Nigel: "Wait … You mean, you don't love Xena?"
Camera Man: "Hey! This is a closed set!"
Xena: [barging through the door of the studio] … "Closed set my butt! Get out of my way!"
Gabrielle: "Xena, I was just trying to stop him from telling lies about you."
Xena: "I know. Let's go."
Nigel: "No, wait. Wait! Xena, are you in love with Gabrielle?"
Xena: "You got some pair on you, mister."
Nigel: "Hey, I'm just trying to do my job."
Xena: "And I'm just trying to do mine!" … [puts the pinch on poor Nigel]
Xena: "If you've done your research, you'll know that I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You got thirty seconds to listen to what I have to say. Understand?"
Nigel: [gurgles painfully]
Xena: "You want to know if I love Gabrielle. Well, let me ask you a question. Do you love anybody? Do you love your wife? Do you love your dog? Do you love your self? Is there anyone in this world that you love with all your heart? There isn't, is there? Because, you can't love. None of us can. The world has lost the greatest gift the gods ever gave us, and I'm gonna get it back. That's your story … [un-pinches the poor fool] … You hear me, Odin?! I'm coming for ya!"
Gabrielle: [walking outside at the studio] … "So, what's the plan?"
Xena: "I'm going after Odin."
Gabrielle: "There's got to be more to it than that."
Xena: "Why do you do that?"
Gabrielle: "Do what?"
Xena: "Ask me to spell out the plan! You'd think after all these years you could maybe join the dots yourself."
Gabrielle: "Why do I have to drag it out of you? You know, I wish I knew the 'pinch'. I would force you to share you're little plan with me."
Xena: "No, no, no. You can take the 'pinch' off, but you're not allowed to put the 'pinch' on."
Gabrielle: "I'm not allowed? Oh, that's right. I'm the sidekick. You go ahead, Xena, I'll walk ten paces behind your horse."
Xena: "You could walk beside my horse."
Gabrielle: "That's really big of you, Xena!"
Xena: "Gabrielle, stop it. What's going on? This isn't us."
Gabrielle: "We're saying things that people who love each other would never say."
Xena: "Yeah. We've got to get Love back into the world, Gabrielle, and fast."
Gabrielle: "Right. So what's the plan?"
Norse Tavern ...
Nigel: [to the camera] … "A world without Love … a world where the skills of the delicious goddess no longer lift us to heights of almost intolerable pleasure. Well, anything is possible. But, surely … [a group of cute babes just short of throw themselves at him] … Excuse me, excuse me, I'm trying to report here … The truth is … [trying to shake off the babes] … thank you … that both Xena and Ares are plotting … [gets goosed] … thank you! … both Xena and Ares are plotting to divert this reporter from getting to the truth. So, we've decided … excuse me, excuse me, that's it, hands, hands, hands … [finally breaking free of the babes] … so we've decided to come to the one place where love is rarely in short supply."
Madam: "Take a number … Did you take a number? Can you count?"
Nigel: "Excuse, me … Excuse me, over here!"
Madam: "Alright, I know you're there … Now, you go after him."
Nigel: "Hi there, I wonder if we might have word."
Madam: "Well, what will it be tonight? We're running a little special on a little number we call Thor's Hammer, or for a little bit extra, you could get the Ride of the Valkyrie."
Nigel: "Ride of the Valkyrie? That' sounds … Well, uh, business seems to be booming here."
Madam: "Well, look around. My boys know where to come to dock their longboats, if you catch my drift."
Nigel: "So, you would say that there's been no sudden shortage of love in the world?"
Madam: "Oh, I didn't say that, now."
Nigel: "You did say business was booming."
Madam: "My business has never been about love. If these boys were looking for love, they'd be wooing their sweethearts or at home with their wives. The less love I have to deal with, the fatter my purse."
Madam: "Calling number 27! One Thor's Hammer! We'll make you feel like the God of Thunder!"
Ares: "27! Yo, I got 27!"
Nigel: "Ares, the former God of War!"
Ares: "No, I'm not … crap!" … [hightails it out of the tavern]
Nigel: [to camera] … "We found Ares, the former God of War, half naked and stinking of booze in a bordello."
Ares: "I'm trying to get laid! I'm not a criminal!"
A Cave ...
Nigel: [to camera] … "As news of our investigation has spread, we've been contacted by a source who claims to have some answers."
Woman: "Halt! Come no further."
Nigel: "The source … [seeing a woman in a dark cloak] … Who are you?"
Woman: "That's not important, but what I have to tell you is. You're following the wrong story."
Nigel: "What do you mean?"
Woman: "Xena's trying to put a god back on Olympus, alright, but not the one you think."
Nigel: "But … which god?"
Woman: "You'll have to find that out for yourself."
Woman: "I am in great danger. If Odin discovers I have betrayed him …"
Nigel: "Alright, here's what I'll do, I'll mention each god by name and then I will count five seconds. If within that period you fail to respond, I'll assume the answer is yes. Understand?"
Woman: "Five seconds … what?"
Nigel: "Okay, I'm counting. Hades … one hippopotamus … two hippopotamus … three hippopotamus … four--"
Woman: "Forget it! I don't have time for this."
Nigel: "Wait! If Xena and Ares aren't conspiring, what are they doing together?"
Woman: "This isn't about Xena and Ares. Xena will play whatever card she needs to get what she desires."
Nigel: "What if she desires to be a goddess?"
Woman: "Fool! Xena doesn't want to rule the world. She wants to save it."
Nigel: "How can you be so sure?"
Woman: "Because she saved me."
Nigel: "Wait! Where do I go from here?"
Woman: "Follow the Love."
Nigel: [to camera] … "Follow … the Love. Hmm."
Nigel: [to camera] … "Follow the Love. A bizarre command in a world seemingly devoid of love … yet something has brought these desperate people to this place … [motioning toward a small mob of people surrounding a woman in pink lingerie] … in the hope that here they will find whatever is missing in their lives. They, too, are responding to the unspoken command to follow the Love."
Nigel: "Excuse me, excuse me, can I get through here, please? … Media here. Media … Excuse me … Thank you … May I ask you a few questions?"
Aphrodite: "I said keep your mortal meat hooks … Oh, my! What's this?"
Aphrodite: "Hello, there … [shoving a mortal away from her] … Hey, get off!"
Nigel: [to camera] … "I'm here with Aphrodite, the former Goddess of Love … Aphrodite, forgive me, but didn't you completely lose your mind after what happened with Caligula?"
Aphrodite: "Oh, yeah, I did. But Xena helped pull me out of my madness and gave me back my life … if you can call this earthbound existence living … destined to grow old and wrinkled … and saggy."
Nigel: "Aphrodite, these people, what are they all doing here?"
Aphrodite: "Can you see this?"
Aphrodite: "This line. How can you not see it? My face looks like a Roman road map."
Nigel: "Well, I can really hardly see--"
Aphrodite: "You can see it!"
Nigel: "No, no, uh … Aphrodite, these people, what is it they want?"
Aphrodite: "Oh, well, when I left Olympus, the world was full of my love, but with me no longer there to replenish it, it's just faded away, squandered by those who failed to see how precious it was and spurned by others who thought they didn't nee it. Now it's all gone. Poof."
Nigel: [to camera] … "Poof, indeed ... But, how could we not have noticed?"
Aphrodite: "You mortals take love for granted. It slipped through your fingers so subtly no one even noticed it was gone, except for these few who are still drawn to me for the last breath of love that still clings to me. But, soon there won't even be that."
Nigel: "Aphrodite, is there nothing that you can do?"
Aphrodite: "As a mortal, no. My powers are tied to Olympus, and there is no way for me to get back there. Xena made sure of that."
Nigel: [at the base of Valhalla] …"Gabrielle, where's Xena?"
Gabrielle: "What are you doing here? … Aphrodite, it's good to see you."
Nigel: "Where's Xena?"
Gabrielle: "Will you get lost!"
Nigel: "Look, where is she? I've got to talk to her."
Gabrielle: "You just missed her."
Beowulf: "She's gone in to face Odin."
Nigel: "Is she going to kill him?"
Gabrielle: "Xena doesn't have the power to kill gods, not anymore … but Odin can kill her." … [light flashes from the inside of Valhalla as Xena and Odin battle it out]
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