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'Tonight, we put that question to the legendary woman herself'
Nigel: [to camera] "Xena, Warrior Princess. To many she's seen as a savior, a protector of the downtrodden and innocent. Others, however, see her as nothing more than a butcher, her hands stained with the blood of hundreds -- no, thousands -- of innocent people. Which is it? Tonight, we put that question to the legendary woman herself."


Tonight at 9 ...
Xena: [inside a television studio] "Hey!" [swats a pesky make-up girl away]
Gabrielle: [having a microphone hooked to her top] "Hey, watch where you put your hands!"
Xena: "Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy."

Nigel: "Xena, welcome. And also with us, Gabrielle, the Battling Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's constant traveling companion and the chronicler of her deeds. Glad you could make it."
Gabrielle: "Um, thank you, it's, uh, good to be here."

'Everyone's seen the tapestry'
Nigel: "Good. Xena, first to you. You don't exactly have the greatest reputation here among the Norsemen. As a Valkyrie, you used Odin's runes to visit a reign of terror on the people of this land."
Gabrielle: "Everyone's seen the tapestry."

Xena: "That was a long time ago."
Nigel: "So why come back now? There's no love lost between you and Odin."
Xena: "That's just it. That's exactly why Gabrielle and I--"
Nigel: "You betrayed Odin, didn't you? Turning his lover, if you will, Grinhilda [shows a black & white still of the monster] into a hideous monster."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but Xena changed her back."
Nigel: "But not before the she-beast and her son Grindl sent many a Viking warrior to Valhalla."
Xena: "Is there a question in this somewhere?"
Nigel: "Xena, is it your intention to kill Odin and have yourself proclaimed a god in his place?"
Gabrielle: "What?"
Xena: "Crazy."
Nigel: "Do you deny that you stole the Rheingold "
Xena: "No."
Nigel: " and forged that into a ring which gave you the power of a god?"
Xena: "I gave the Rheingold back. You can ask the Rhine Maidens."
Nigel: "What about the Olympian gods? You destroyed them also didn't you?"
Xena: "Not all of them."
Gabrielle: "See, they were trying to kill her daughter."
Xena: "Right."
Nigel: "A daughter who was following very successfully in her mother's bloody footsteps."
Xena: "Now just a doggone minute--"
Nigel: "Xena do you still have the power to kill a god?"
Xena: [rising out of her seat] "I got the power to kill much lower forms of life than that."

'Actually, this interview is over'
Nigel: "What's the matter, Xena? Uncomfortable with the truth?"
Xena: "The truth? You know what? You wouldn't know the truth if it grew fangs and bit you on the--"
Gabrielle: [covering Xena's mouth with her hand] "Actually, this interview is over." [the gals stalk out of the studio]

Nigel: "Come on, Xena. Why don't you just admit it? You've always lusted to have the power of a god and now you're here to kill Odin! Isn't that right, Xena? You're here to kill Odin! [to camera] I think that was good. Had her on the ropes."


Nigel: "Xena's protestations of her innocence aside, Odin would do well to fear her, considering the fate of many others who have crossed her in the past and ended up here on the River Styx in Hades."

The River Styx ...

'I can't deny Xena's been good for my business'
Charon -- Boatman of the Dead:
Charon: "I can't deny Xena's been good for my business. Wouldn't mind a vacation, but, hey, it's better to be working than not. Right?"

Nigel: "Of course it is. But what you're saying is that most of these passengers are here because of Xena?"
Charon: "Raw numbers? Nah. She's a drop in the bucket. But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters Elynus of Mycenae, Marc Antony, Velasca, Callisto, you can even make a case for Caesar himself. These people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight."
Caligula: "Hey! Sometime this eternity!"
Charon: "Unlike this guy who's just been asking for a one-way ticket to the Underworld, if you ask me."

'Hey!  Sometime this eternity!'
Former Emperor of Rome -- Deceased:
Caligula: "Is this going to take long? Because I have been waiting for this stupid barge forever. That boatman? I've been bumped twice already. Peon! Damned arrogant ass doesn't know who I am."
Nigel: "It will only take a moment. I want to ask you a few questions about Xena."

Caligula: "Xena? You just want to ask me about Xena? Fine, I'll tell you. She's a snake. A treacherous deceiver like the rest of her sex. Never turn you back on her. She and that bard of hers -- yeah, like we don't know what's going on there -- they want you to think Xena fights for honor."
Nigel: "And she doesn't?"
Caligula: "Look, I've spilled enough blood in my day to know why anyone doesn't. It's the scent of it, the taste, the thrill. Xena's no different! I'll show you Hey! Who killed you?"
Dead Guy: "You did. Beg your pardon, I think you were drunk. You slit me from here to there."

'Down here you're just dead'
Charon: "Come on, Fancy Pants, I though you were in a hurry?"
Caligula: "Get your hands off me! I'm in the middle of a interview, you impudent cur!"
Charon: "Yeah, yeah. You may have been a big shot on earth, but down here you're just dead. Get used to it."

Caligula: "Xena's evil! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I was a god, a living god and that bitch took me out."

Charon: "Ooh, there's one more thing I would like to say. At least Xena pays her fare, unlike another so-called super hero I know, more like super-cheapskate. That's right. I'm talking about you, Hercules."

Nigel: [to camera] " 'I was a god, a living god and that bitch took me out.'"


'I understand that you are masking your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility'
Nigel: "Odin declined an interview for this story, but a source within Valhalla did agree to speak with us on a condition of strict anonymity."

Anonymous Source:
Nigel: "I understand that you are masking your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility."
Source: "That is correct."
Nigel: "And that you understand what Xena wants here."
Source: "Oh, I know, alright apples."
Nigel: "Excuse me, you said apples?"
Source: "What are you, deaf? She wants the Golden Apples."
Nigel: "Oh, I understand. The Golden Apples [file footage of the aforementioned apples] protected by Fricka, Odin's sister-in-law. It is rumored that whomever eats the Golden Apples will become a god."
Source: "That's right. Xena wants to be a god, goddess, whatever."
Nigel: "Before we get into that, you claimed to have masked your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility. But, isn't it true that only Odin himself knows the mystical runes whereby he can make himself invisible?"
Source: "Damn it!"

'Look, she will return Ares to Olympus'
Odin: "Look I don't mind if you know it's me. I just want to appeal to all loyal Norsemen to do whatever they can to stop Xena from getting into Valhalla and stealing the Golden Apples!"
Nigel: "Why does she want to steal the Golden Apples?"
Odin: "So she can become a god! Look, she will return Ares to Olympus who will in exchange make her his queen."

Nigel: "But, surely, Ares and Xena have an adversarial history."
Odin: "You'd buy that, wouldn't you? Did you ever stop and think why Xena didn't kill Ares when she had the chance, huh? It's because she has a thing for him. She's always had a thing for him. So, Xena's going to be a god, or a goddess, or whatever. Well, it's not gonna happen! You stay away from Valhalla or you know what's going to happen to you! You'll never be a god, Xena!"


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