Nigel: [to camera] … "Xena, Warrior Princess. To many she's seen as a savior, a protector of the downtrodden and innocent. Others, however, see her as nothing more than a butcher, her hands stained with the blood of hundreds -- no, thousands -- of innocent people. Which is it? Tonight, we put that question to the legendary woman herself."
Xena: [inside a television studio] … "Hey!" … [swats a pesky make-up girl away]
Gabrielle: [having a microphone hooked to her top] … "Hey, watch where you put your hands!"
Xena: "Yeah, you watch where you put your hands, buddy."
Nigel: "Xena, welcome. And also with us, Gabrielle, the Battling Bard of Poteidaia, Xena's constant traveling companion and the chronicler of her deeds. Glad you could make it."
Gabrielle: "Um, thank you, it's, uh, good to be here."
Nigel: "Good. Xena, first to you. You don't exactly have the greatest reputation here among the Norsemen. As a Valkyrie, you used Odin's runes to visit a reign of terror on the people of this land."
Gabrielle: "Everyone's seen the tapestry."
Xena: "That was a long time ago."
Nigel: "So why come back now? There's no love lost between you and Odin."
Xena: "That's just it. That's exactly why Gabrielle and I--"
Nigel: "You betrayed Odin, didn't you? Turning his lover, if you will, Grinhilda … [shows a black & white still of the monster] … into a hideous monster."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, but Xena changed her back."
Nigel: "But not before the she-beast and her son Grindl sent many a Viking warrior to Valhalla."
Xena: "Is there a question in this somewhere?"
Nigel: "Xena, is it your intention to kill Odin and have yourself proclaimed a god in his place?"
Nigel: "Do you deny that you stole the Rheingold …"
Nigel: "… and forged that into a ring which gave you the power of a god?"
Xena: "I gave the Rheingold back. You can ask the Rhine Maidens."
Nigel: "What about the Olympian gods? You destroyed them also didn't you?"
Xena: "Not all of them."
Gabrielle: "See, they were trying to kill her daughter."
Nigel: "A daughter who was following very successfully in her mother's bloody footsteps."
Xena: "Now just a doggone minute--"
Nigel: "Xena do you still have the power to kill a god?"
Xena: [rising out of her seat] … "I got the power to kill much lower forms of life than that."
Nigel: "What's the matter, Xena? Uncomfortable with the truth?"
Xena: "The truth? You know what? You wouldn't know the truth if it grew fangs and bit you on the--"
Gabrielle: [covering Xena's mouth with her hand] … "Actually, this interview is over." … [the gals stalk out of the studio]
Nigel: "Come on, Xena. Why don't you just admit it? You've always lusted to have the power of a god and now you're here to kill Odin! Isn't that right, Xena? You're here to kill Odin! … [to camera] … I think that was good. Had her on the ropes."
Nigel: "Xena's protestations of her innocence aside, Odin would do well to fear her, considering the fate of many others who have crossed her in the past and ended up here … on the River Styx in Hades."
The River Styx ...
Charon -- Boatman of the Dead:
Charon: "I can't deny Xena's been good for my business. Wouldn't mind a vacation, but, hey, it's better to be working than not. Right?"
Nigel: "Of course it is. But what you're saying is that most of these passengers are here because of Xena?"
Charon: "Raw numbers? Nah. She's a drop in the bucket. But Xena has sent me some pretty heavy hitters … Elynus of Mycenae, Marc Antony, Velasca, Callisto, you can even make a case for Caesar himself. These people do not lose their mortal coils without a fight."
Caligula: "Hey! Sometime this eternity!"
Charon: "Unlike this guy who's just been asking for a one-way ticket to the Underworld, if you ask me."
Former Emperor of Rome -- Deceased:
Caligula: "Is this going to take long? Because I have been waiting for this stupid barge forever. That boatman? I've been bumped twice already. Peon! Damned arrogant ass doesn't know who I am."
Nigel: "It will only take a moment. I want to ask you a few questions about Xena."
Caligula: "Xena? You just want to ask me about Xena? Fine, I'll tell you. She's a snake. A treacherous deceiver like the rest of her sex. Never turn you back on her. She and that bard of hers -- yeah, like we don't know what's going on there -- they want you to think Xena fights for honor."
Nigel: "And she doesn't?"
Caligula: "Look, I've spilled enough blood in my day to know why anyone doesn't. It's the scent of it, the taste, the thrill. Xena's no different! I'll show you … Hey! Who killed you?"
Dead Guy: "You did. Beg your pardon, I think you were drunk. You slit me from here to there."
Charon: "Come on, Fancy Pants, I though you were in a hurry?"
Caligula: "Get your hands off me! I'm in the middle of a interview, you impudent cur!"
Charon: "Yeah, yeah. You may have been a big shot on earth, but down here you're just dead. Get used to it."
Caligula: "Xena's evil! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! I was a god, a living god … and that bitch took me out."
Charon: "Ooh, there's one more thing I would like to say. At least Xena pays her fare, unlike another so-called super hero I know, more like super-cheapskate. That's right. I'm talking about you, Hercules."
Nigel: [to camera] … " 'I was a god, a living god … and that bitch took me out.'"
Nigel: "Odin declined an interview for this story, but a source within Valhalla did agree to speak with us on a condition of strict anonymity."
Nigel: "I understand that you are masking your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility."
Source: "That is correct."
Nigel: "And that you understand what Xena wants here."
Source: "Oh, I know, alright … apples."
Nigel: "Excuse me, you said apples?"
Source: "What are you, deaf? She wants the Golden Apples."
Nigel: "Oh, I understand. The Golden Apples … [file footage of the aforementioned apples] … protected by Fricka, Odin's sister-in-law. It is rumored that whomever eats the Golden Apples will become a god."
Source: "That's right. Xena wants to be a god, goddess, whatever."
Nigel: "Before we get into that, you claimed to have masked your identity in a magic cloak of invisibility. But, isn't it true that only Odin himself knows the mystical runes whereby he can make himself invisible?"
Source: "Damn it!"
Odin: "Look … I don't mind if you know it's me. I just want to appeal to all loyal Norsemen to do whatever they can to stop Xena from getting into Valhalla and stealing the Golden Apples!"
Nigel: "Why does she want to steal the Golden Apples?"
Odin: "So she can become a god! Look, she will return Ares to Olympus who will in exchange make her his queen."
Nigel: "But, surely, Ares and Xena have an adversarial history."
Odin: "You'd buy that, wouldn't you? Did you ever stop and think why Xena didn't kill Ares when she had the chance, huh? It's because she has a thing for him. She's always had a thing for him. So, Xena's going to be a god, or a goddess, or whatever. Well, it's not gonna happen! You stay away from Valhalla or you know what's going to happen to you! You'll never be a god, Xena!"
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