Nigel: [to the camera] "It seems that we are witnessing as epic struggle here. On one hand, Odin and his precious Golden Apples, and on the other, Xena seemingly determined to possess them for herself. But why?"
[Slinking through the forest, Nigel comes across a half naked, bathing Gabrielle.]
Nigel: "Gabrielle! Gabrielle, can you tell me if there is a sexual relationship going on between Ares and Xena?"
Gabrielle: "What are you doing here?!" [begins beating him with her sponge]
Nigel: "Is Xena Ares' love slave?" [Gabrielle pushes him face first into the mud]
Nigel: [to the camera] "But there was one other person who could shed some light on the twisted, co-dependent relationship between the Warrior Princess and the God of War." [strolls up to farm house and begins banging on the door]
Ares: "Go away! I said, get lost!"
Nigel: "There is definitely someone in there. I'm going to keep trying."
Ares: "What do you want?! I'm busy!" [opens door with a beer mug in his hand]
Nigel: "Are you Ares the former God of War?"
Ares: "Who wants to know?"
Nigel: "We're here asking a few questions about Xena. Why does she want to steal the Golden Apples?"
Ares: "I got nothing to say about Xena."
Nigel: "Odin believes it's because she wants to restore you to Olympus."
Ares: "That'd be damn nice. As you can see, I haven't exactly got the hang of this whole mortal gig. But let me make it straight -- Xena owes me nothing."
Nigel: "According to Odin, you and she have cut a deal whereby she will reign by your side as your queen."
Ares: "Ha! Xena's had plenty of opportunities to be my queen. Frankly, the job doesn't interest her."
Nigel: "Have you spoken with Xena recently?"
Ares: "Listen, buddy, I wasn't the only god sent down from Olympus, so why are you bugging me?"
Nigel: "Are you saying there are other gods who survived Xena's attack?"
Xena: [from behind the door] "Yo, Ares!"
Nigel: "Who's that? Can I I think we should go in there." [barges past Ares into the farmhouse]
Ares: "Hey! This is private property!"
Nigel: [to camera] "Follow me [looking around] Check it out."
Ares: "Alright, ya happy? You see what the God of War has come to? Well, have a good look. Laugh it up!"
Xena: [barging in through the back door] "Ares, what's the You! What are you doing here?"
Nigel: "Xena, I was right. You and Ares are plotting together."
Xena: "Stay out of my business, Nigel."
Nigel: "Xena, are you in love with Ares?"
Ares: "Alright, that's it. Get out! [starts shoving Nigel out] Get the Hell out! You're animals! Scavengers! Get out of here!" [the camera goes black]
Nigel: "Do you think Odin has anything to fear from Xena?"
Michael: "Let me put it this way, if it were my tail feathers on the line, I wouldn't trust Xena."
Nigel: "That's not a very charitable attitude coming from an angel."
Nigel: "Archangel, sorry. Surely, as an archangel you are a creature of light, ethereal and pure. Isn't it your job to believe in the essential goodness of man?"
Michael: [chuckles] "Please, we help mankind to achieve goodness, but we're not stupid. Mankind has free will and Xena, she exercises hers with abandon."
Nigel: "Would you care to give us an example?"
Michael: "She puts her own self-interests ahead of the Greater Good. Did you know she risked unleashing Hell on earth to protect her own daughter?"
Nigel: "But, surely, she prevented that by killing Mephistopheles on earth."
Michael: "And by doing that, she fated herself to take his place in Hell ... Get this she cast one our own, Archangel Lucifer, down into Hell to take her place."
Nigel: "Xena corrupted an angel?"
Michael: "Archangel! And if she's capable of doing that, into seducing an archangel into assuming the throne of Hell, you tell me who wouldn't she be willing to screw over?"
Nigel: [to camera] "Who indeed?" [falls off his perch and plummets from Heaven]
Nigel: [picking himself off the ground, to the camera] "Hello. I'm here, in Hell, and I'm about to do what no other reporter has ever done. I'm going to interview Lucifer Excuse me, sir! Sir, um, horned one, is it true that you are the Prince of Darkness?"
Lucifer: "What are you?"
Nigel: "Please, try not to avoid the question. The public want the truth, a portrait of the real demon behind the myth."
Lucifer: "The real demon?"
Nigel: "Please, try not to cover anything up."
Lucifer: "Cover anything up? I'm the Devil, you idiot! I'm really bad. I'm evil incarnate. What do I have to cover up?"
Nigel: "Right, you have a point there."
Lucifer: "What are you doing here, anyway? Are you one of mine?"
Nigel: "No! No, no, no, no. I'm part of a journalistic investigation, an investigation of Xena."
Lucifer: "Xena! You dare mention her name in my kingdom?!"
Nigel: "So, you're not a fan of the Warrior Princess?"
Lucifer: "Let me ask you something? Do I look like a guy who enjoys his present position? Do you think I asked for this gig? I used to be an archangel on the way up, and then she came along."
Nigel: "So, you're confirming the report that Xena, in order to avoid her own responsibilities in Hell, fooled an archangel into assuming the throne of the Underworld?"
Lucifer: "She'll defend herself saying my pride and ambition brought me down, but I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her lies and deceit."
Nigel: "Then you believe the word of Xena isn't to be trusted?"
Lucifer: "She's a lying sack! How I wish I could get her down here, mete out some serious everlasting punishment."
Nigel: "Well, that's not an impossible dream. Given Xena's exploits on earth, I'm sure that she's bought herself a one-way ticket to Hell."
Lucifer: "I wish. All her do-gooding, I'm afraid she's escaped my wrath."
Nigel: "In a sense, you're defending her character, which is what Satan would do, try to defend one of his own demons on earth."
Lucifer: "You're a real pain. I can't wait to get you down here."
Nigel: "Uh, with respect, sir, that's not going to happen. I'm not a murdering warlord. No, no, no. I'm an award winning investigative journalist. I'm a member of the fifth estate."
Lucifer: "Like I said, I can't wait to get my claws into you."
Nigel: [to camera] "And so, we conclude a rather disturbing interview with the Prince of Darkness." [passes out]
Nigel: [coming across a group of people praying in the woods] "There she is. Follow me . Excuse me, are you Eve?"
Eve: "Do you wish to join our prayer circle?"
Nigel: "No, no today, thanks. I'd like to ask you a couple of questions about your mother, Xena."
Eve: "Whatever you wish to know, my mother can answer for herself."
Nigel: "It's just a few questions. Is Xena trying to make herself into a god?"
Eve: "There is only one god, the god of Eli. He teaches us to walk the path of love."
Nigel: "I see, and does your mother walk the path of love?"
Eve: "My mother respects our faith. She would do nothing to offend it."
Nigel: "Not even for Ares?"
Eve: "What about Ares?"
Nigel: "Xena wants to restore him to Olympus. She's cut a deal to rule with him by his side."
Eve: "The time of the many gods has passed."
Nigel: "Then why is Xena trying to steal the Golden Apples? And why is she shacked up with Ares? Did you know that? That's the same Ares that killed Eli while your mother stood by and did nothing."
Eve: "You want to know about my mother? [gives him a good shove] I will tell you about my mother, you little sh*t! If my mother is with Ares, you can bet she's got a pretty f*cking good reason!"
Nigel: "Are you still jealous that Ares was obsessed with your mother the entire time he was sleeping with you?"
Eve: [being held back by her fellow prayer partners] "You f*cking brat! Stay the Hell away from my mother! You stay the f*ck away from me or I will kick your f*cking ass!"
Nigel: [to camera] "Not the kind of words you would expect to hear from Eve, the Messenger of Eli [following in Eve's wake] Whatever happened to walking the path of light, Eve?"
Eve: "F*ck off!"
Nigel: "You want your mother on Olympus, don't you? You want to see the God of War put back on his throne so Xena and Ares can continue your bloody mιnage et trois [gets decked by the Messenger, to camera] Tell me you got that. You got that, didn't you?"
Nigel: [to the camera] "A shocking display from the Messenger of Eli, but not as shocking, perhaps, coming from the daughter of Xena. For Xena provokes strong emotions for those who cross her path feelings of intense fear and hatred among her enemies, and equally intense feelings of loyalty among her friends. It is perhaps this loyalty which brings the person sitting opposite me this evening in to the studio."
Gabrielle -- Xena's Sidekick:
Nigel: "Gabrielle, thank you for talking to us."
Gabrielle: "Well, you're welcome, but don't thank me. I'm here to tell you that you're wrong about Xena."
Nigel: "Wrong in what way?"
Gabrielle: "In every way. Xena you know, you make it sound like Ares and Xena have this conspiracy to try to rule the world."
Nigel: "But they don't?"
Gabrielle: "No. Xena wants to save the world. That's why she needs the Golden Apples."
Nigel: "And I suppose that Ares wants to save the world also?"
Gabrielle: "It's hard to explain, he--"
Nigel: "Well, maybe it's not so hard to explain, Gabrielle. Maybe it's quite simple. Maybe it's not Xena's lust for war that drives her, but Xena's lust for the God of War."
Gabrielle: "What?! Xena doesn't lust after Ares."
Nigel: "Gabrielle, kindly direct your attention to the monitor." [said monitor shows clips of a lot of lusting between Xena and Ares]
Gabrielle: "So they have a history. It doesn't mean anything."
Nigel: "Gabrielle, isn't it possible you are confused about your own feelings for Xena?"
Gabrielle: "By my feelings for Xena?"
Nigel: "Come on, Gabrielle. I know that Xena is more to you than just a friend."
Gabrielle: "Oh, okay, you're right. She's my best friend."
Nigel: "Well, what would you say, Gabrielle, if I told you that not too long ago I found your 'friend' Xena in a tumble-down little love-shack at the edge of town in the arms of Ares?"
Gabrielle: "I "
Nigel: "How do your feel about that, Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle: "I don't know how I feel."
Nigel: "Tell us all the truth. You and Xena are lovers, aren't you? Or should I say, you were lovers until you were replaced by Ares. Gabrielle?"
Gabrielle: "I "
Nigel: "Gabrielle, are you in love with Xena?"
Gabrielle: "I don't love Xena."
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