Nigel: [to camera] … "We're here before the walls of Valhalla. Xena entered just minutes ago. You can hear the sounds of an epic struggle as Xena, possibly the greatest human warrior in the history of the world, battles with Odin, King of the Norse gods."
Aphrodite: "Gabrielle, I have to say I'm glad to see you're still traveling with Xena. I was afraid with me away from Olympus you two may not be so close."
Gabrielle: "No, we're partners."
Nigel: [to camera] … "Xena is attempting to wrestle the Golden Apples from Odin, but the question still remains … should she succeed in getting these apples, on whom will she bestow the gift of godhood? … Wait! Something appears to be happening inside Valhalla."
Beowulf: "The day may be decided."
Xena: [shoving a weary looking Odin down the side of Valhalla] … "Down there … hurry up!"
Gabrielle: "Xena, are you alright?!"
Xena: [holding up the Golden Apples] … "Couldn't be better!"
Beowulf: "Incredible. You have beaten Odin."
Xena: "Don't rub his nose in it."
Xena: "You know, you could have saved yourself a world of trouble if you just had coughed up the fruit in the first place."
Odin: "My pain is almost over. Eat! Then you can destroy me and your victory will be complete."
Xena: "We gotta move on."
Nigel: "Xena! Xena … you're not gonna eat that apple are you?"
Xena: "Why ever not?"
Nigel: "Because you don't plan to install yourself as a goddess on Olympus. No, your plan is to bring Love back into the world. That apple is for Aphrodite, isn't it?"
Xena: "Give this apple to Aphrodite and bring Love back into the world? That's a novel and very unselfish idea. No, it's not something the Xena you know would do."
Nigel: "Well, maybe before, I was reporting on the wrong Xena, Xena."
Ares: "And, maybe not."
Nigel: "Ares! Xena, no! You can't send Ares back to Olympus!"
Xena: "Now he's telling em what I can't do. I think I can." … [Ares takes a bite out of one of the apples]
Ares: "It's juicy. Oh, here it comes. Alright. Yeah!" … [shoots off a few practice fireballs]
Nigel: "I knew it! You were in this for yourself all along."
Odin: "Of course she was, you moron. Who wouldn't want to be a god?"
Ares: "Who wouldn't want to be a god? … [lifting the apple to Xena's mouth] … Go ahead. Tastes good."
Ares: "Hey, there's nothing for you here."
Ares: "You know, the weasel had a good idea … become a goddess, we could have some kicks."
Xena: "I wouldn't want you to be alone on Olympus."
Gabrielle: "Xena, don't."
Xena: "Aphrodite will keep you company."
Aphrodite: "Thank you, Xena."
[Aphrodite takes a bite of the Golden Apple and gives a whole new meaning to the term 'Love is in the air.']
Beowulf: "It really is good to see you again, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "You've got that gleam in your eye again, Beowulf."
Aphrodite: "Shall we leave these mortal to their business, Ares?"
Ares: [to Xena] … "Aphrodite gave you back the power to love. Think about it, Xena. Think about the possibilities."
Xena: "Odin … [hands him the apples] … keep these someplace safe."
Ares: "I guess you know I'll never stop trying."
Xena: "I'd expect nothing less."
Aphrodite: "Come on, let's go home."
Odin: "Xena, I've been preparing for your arrival for weeks. How did you breach our defenses?"
Xena: "I cheated."
Xena: "I had a little help from a friend." … [the woman in the dark cloak reveals herself to be …]
Grinhilda -- Valkyrie:
Grinhilda: "Xena saved me, you know. She changed me back from the horrible creature I'd become."
Nigel: "This would be the horrible creature that she turned you into in the first place."
Grinhilda: "That was a different Xena, the dark, evil Xena. But the real Xena restored my human form and returned me to Valhalla, and she asked me to unmake the legacy of bloodshed she herself had left for Odin's people."
Nigel: "When Ares was expelled from Mount Olympus, that must have made your job a lot easier. Why did Xena send him back?"
Xena: "You know why? Because you can't have Love without Hate. You can't have violence and you certainly can't have forgiveness without anger. I knew I just couldn't send Aphrodite back to Olympus without Ares. It would have thrown the whole world out of balance."
Grinhilda: "It is my people's lust for living that makes us who we are, the two competing forces of their fierceness and passion that define us. Xena knew that. So, I sent you after Aphrodite while I rounded up Ares."
Nigel: "You sent me after Aphrodite?"
Grinhilda: " 'Follow the Love.'"
Nigel: "You're the mysterious voice in the cave."
Grinhilda: "Xena wanted you out of her hair for a while. She figured she might as well put you to work getting Aphrodite for her. I have to go. Odin's still pretty sore at me."
Eve: "We're heartily sorry for our behavior. It isn't in our teachings. We wandered from our path of Love."
Nigel: "But you're back on that path now?"
Eve: "Yes. We're here to atone for the sins that we committed against you."
Nigel: "That really isn't necessary. What are you doing? What are these?"
Eve: [holding up a switch] … "You may flagellate us for the sins that we committed against you."
Nigel: "No, no, no. That's alright."
Eve: "We insist."
Nigel: "No, really, you don't have to--"
Eve: "Do it!"
Ares: "Do I think she did it because of how she feels about me? No. I mean, don't get me wrong, there were sparks. You could see that, right? No, she pretty much did it for the same reason she always does -- redeeming herself, her evil past, 'oh, I killed so many people,' the pain, the pain. But my offer, it was genuine. There's a place for her here … [looking around] … It's not what it used to be though … Okay, chuckles, let's cut it! Okay? Out of here … Do not make me zap you!"
Nigel: "Gabrielle, Xena … I have only one more question left. The question that Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening. The question that has never been answered. Are you two lovers?"
Xena: "You're asking if--"
Nigel: "That's right. I'm asking, are you two lovers?"
Xena: "That's none of your beeswax, Nigel."
Gabrielle: "Okay, Xena, you know, you just risked everything to bring love back into the world."
Xena: "So what?"
Gabrielle: "I think you should answer the question."
Xena: "You do, do you?"
Nigel: "Wait! Hold it! … [to camera] … And now, ladies and gentlemen, a world exclusive -- for the first time anywhere, Xena and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship … Gabrielle, Xena, are you two lovers?"
Xena: "You want the truth?"
Nigel: "That's right, Xena, we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth."
Xena: "It's like this, technically--" … [the camera begins to fade in and out]
Nigel: "What?! It's dead?! The battery! This is the world's greatest story and you're telling me the battery is dead?! I don't believe this! Oh, man!"
DISCLAIMER: The concept of linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
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