Joxer: "Now you've taken away both my best friends. My only … the only people I know!" … [pulls out his sword to attack]Fred: "Xena made off with the contract. She hid it inside another scroll, the one I've been reading from, the one that was authored by Joxer, and hidden at the bottom of the Ionian Sea to prevent Ares from claiming her as his bride in an afterlife … As we know, Xena and Gabrielle were reunited in Poteidaia …"
Ares: "Right." … [disappears as Joxer attacks him, who runs into the wall of the cave and is henceforth knocked unconscious]
[Ares materializes in the pit and catches Xena.]
Ares: "Get cold feet."
Xena: "More like I got an idea, one that paid off. You know, it always bothered me that you didn't intervene to save Hope. She was carrying your baby after all. Then you showed up acting all interested in my search for Gabrielle, and I knew you had to have something to do with it. I just had to play along with your little game to expose the truth."
Ares: "So what exactly did you uncover, Xena?"
Xena: "You saved me from the fall, Ares. There's no way you didn't do the same for Hope. A wedding in front of the Fates, that was a nice touch. That way you could prevent me from finding Hope and killing her. But you didn't just save Hope, did you? You saved Gabrielle as well. Yes, you thought she'd make a good bargaining chip, knowing that she was the only thing in the world that would induce me into making a deal with you."
Ares: "That is some detective work, and you're close, real close, but not quite."
Ares: "See, Gabrielle made a deal with me. In exchange for Hope's life, she offered me her soul. Yeah, you're right, it is quite a bargaining chip … unless we cut a new deal. So, I have Gabrielle's soul. What do you possibly have that I would exchange for that?"
Xena: "You want my soul."
Ares: "That could work. I let Gabrielle live, but you must be my wife in your next life, and I guess, seeing as how it was one of those in-front-of-the-Fates kind of deals, that would be forever, eternity."
Xena: "And you would let Gabrielle and me live out this life in peace?"
Ares: "Okay, sounds like a deal, 'cause you know, she'd do it for you."
Ares: "Oh, thumbprint right here on the bottom line … that didn't hurt, did it? And there it is, my free-access pass to your soul. And, as long as I have this, you're pretty much mine." … [sticks the scroll in his back pocket]
Xena: "Wait! The other half of the deal, I don't see Gabrielle."
Ares: "Oh, I let her go, but you have to find her. I can't do everything for you."
Xena: "Oh, I'll find her."
Ares: "Just out of curiosity, what would have happed here today if I'd really been asking for your hand in marriage, no strings attached?" … [Xena kisses him fiercely]
Xena: "Guess you'll never know."
Ares: [walking away with shaky knees, and less one scroll] … "Call me."Gabrielle: "Xena?"Fred: "… and I am happy to say that Ares never did locate the scroll. We got to it first." … [a man on a motorcycle bursts into the room]
Xena: "Gabrielle … hey … oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry." -- Family Affair
Ares: "First, second, what does it matter? It's mine now."
Roxanne: "Did you schedule any celebrity appearances?"
Fred: "No, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was too much money."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "Harry was right."
Annie/Joxer: "Matching the thumbprint on the contract is all Ares needs to claim Xena as his own."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "Where the Hell is Harry?" … [answer: on the throne purging a few goat cheese milkshakes]
Mattie/Gabrielle: "Hold on, man."
Ares: "Oh, the sidekick and the comic relief. This ought to be good."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "I don't appreciate being called a sidekick."
Ares: "Don't blame me."
Annie/Joxer: "Listen, Mr. Harbinger of Doom, we're not going to let you get away with this."
Ares: "Okay." … [swats both of them aside]
Ares: "Hey there … [pointing at the scroll] … May I? … [Fred hands him the scroll] … Thank you … Leave quickly."
Harry/Xena: "Hold it right there, Ares."
Ares: "Xena, just in time. I have been waiting an eternity for this. I guess this makes me your … [performs a very bad James Brown imitation] … soul man, once I renew my signature."
Harry/Xena: "Over my dead spirit."
[Ares and Harry/Xena battle it out. Ares gets the upper hand, and tosses Harry/Xena into a pile with Annie/Joxer and Mattie/Gabrielle.]
Ares: "Xena in that body for an eternity. This I did not bargain for. I want Xena's soul in Xena's body. Everybody gets their proper souls back … [puts Xena's soul into Annie's body and Joxer's soul into Harry's body] … Now that I can live with forever."
Ares: "Hey, sugar."
Annie/Xena: "Oh, no, you're not taking this body. This one works much better." … [attacks]
Ares: "To the moon, Xena! … Hey, I was just wondering, Gabrielle, what's it like to have the person who gave up their life for you just lose hers forever?" … [Mattie/Gabrielle responds by attacking him with a microphone stand]
Ares: [Harry/Joxer tries to sneak up behind him] … "You would strike a man from behind?" … [tosses Harry/Joxer headfirst into the wall, where he gets stuck]
Annie/Xena: "Workin' out the bugs."
Ares: "Oh, baby! Is that any way to treat an old flame?"
Annie/Xena: "It's time this flame was extinguished."
[Ares tosses a few fireballs at Xena/Annie, who manages to snatch up the contract in the melee.]
Xena Fan #1: "Hey, what's wrong with the special effects?"
Xena Fan #2: "Yeah, they're really cheesy."
Ares: "Stay right there … [tries to zap Xena/Annie, who holds out the contract, which is incinerated] … Un-freakin' believable!"
Annie/Xena: "Ares made it, Ares destroyed it. I guess this means you ain't got no soul."
Ares: "You might win the battle, Xena, but I'll win the war. Until next time, Xena--"
Annie/Xena: "Oh, you think there's gonna be one?"
Xena: "Joxer! … [pulls him out of the wall] … Are you alright?"
Joxer: "Fine. I'm fine. It's just my head."
Gabrielle: "Xena, no matter how hard Ares has tried, he has never been able to break us up."
Xena: "And he never will, I promise."
Xena: "What do you say we call it a day?"
Joxer: "Sounds good."
Xena: "I liked you better blonde, but I can go with this."
Joxer: "Hey, anything I should know about this new body of mine?"
Xena: "Yeah, don't stray to far from the bathroom."
Joxer: "Oh, dear god, what did you eat?"
DISCLAIMER: Joxer's process of elimination was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
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