Ares: "What say we skip right to the honeymoon?"
Xena: "Wouldn't want to ruin your appetite."
Ares: "You won't regret this, I promise you, Xena."Ares: "I guess we should discuss China. What do you want? The north? The south? I'm easy."
Xena: "I don't want your assets, Ares. But I do have one small demand for our wedding day."
Ares: "Name it."
Xena: "I want the ceremony to take place at the lava pit."
Ares: "Where Gabrielle died? Kinda morbid, don't you think?"
Xena: "No, I think it's fitting. I should be as close as possible to the one person in the world I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with as I give myself over to the one person in the world I would never chose."
Ares: "I know what this is, pre-wedding jitters. All brides get 'em."Ares: "Okay … you can have your fairy tale wedding, Xena. Well, I got to go break it to the folks. Can you imagine, Zeus and Hera are going to be your in-laws."
Xena: "Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse."
Joxer: "Ares, show yourself! … Ares, I, Joxer the Mighty, command you to show yourself! … Hey, jelly-butt, get down here!"
Ares: "So, tell me why I shouldn't kill you."
Joxer: "Did I say 'jelly-butt'? I meant, uh, buns of steel. It's a good thing you showed up, too."
Ares: "Showed up? For what?"
Joxer: "Well, this is your last night as a single god, right?"
Ares: "What?"
Joxer: "Your bachelor party, you big lug."Joxer: "Ta-da! … Miss Athens. Ah, 36-24-36. She loves Greek mythology, kids, and hopes one day all men can be brothers … Next we have Miss Mesopotamia. Ah, an oasis in the desert …[to Ares] … wouldn't you love to take a little dip in that, hm? … And finally, you'll fall for Miss Gaul. Ah, too much for the Roman Empire to handle, but not too much for the God of War."
Ares: "This is it?"
Joxer: "On short notice … you know how it is."
Ares: "Blow. Amscray … You honestly thought you could con me out of marrying Xena with this fistful of harlots? You know what? I got a pre-nup to sign."
Joxer: "Wait! There's more! … [whistles ] … Saving the best for last … [two men wheel in a very large cake] … Got a sweet tooth? You like Baklava? Here's three more layers of pure delight. Bite into this delicacy and it may bite back."Meg: [pops out of the cake wearing only a whipped cream bikini with cherries in the appropriate spots] … "Who's my little bubba? My little bubba. Who's my little bubba? Chookie chookie chookie chookie … Give me an A! A! Give me an R! R! Give me as S! S! Give me an E! E! What do you got? Ares!"
Joxer: "Meg!"
Meg: "Joxer!"
Ares: "Who's Meg?"
Joxer: "It's, uh, a friend."
Meg: "A very good friend."
Ares: "I'm out of here."
Joxer: "No!"Meg: "I'm cookin' in here. I need something to wet my whistle."
Joxer: "Try that." … [hands her his flask of booze]
Meg: "Thanks."Joxer: "Hey, what's with this whole cake thing?"
Meg: "Well, I needed a way to earn a few extra dinars … [swipes some cream from her boob and sticks her finger in Joxer's mouth] … what do you think?"
Joxer: "Banana cream. My favorite."Joxer: "You know, a classy broad like you shouldn't be here. I'm gonna take you away from all this."
Meg: "You are?"
Joxer: "Yeah."
Meg: "Well, what happened to your other good friend, Gabrielle?"
Joxer: "Oh, her? Haven't you heard? She's dead."
Meg: "I'll drink to that."
Joxer: "Can't you see I'm grieving here?"
Meg: "Well, sorry, baby cakes, but dead is dead. You can't change that."
Joxer: "No, but I can try."
Meg: "Hey, wait a minute! These cherries cost five dinars a bushel!"
Fred: "... of course, we at C.H.A.K.R.A.M. were immediately concerned about the authenticity. We weren't interested in supporting a hoax like the Hitler Diaries, or that fan fiction, which claims to be based on legitimate scrolls. We have consulted the world's foremost experts ..."
Harry/Xena: "Annie."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "We thought you might be here."
Annie/Joxer: "Harry, and Harry's ho. What are you doing at the conference? I'd like to see some credentials, please."
Harry/Xena: "Annie, I know you're still a little upset about what happened between us, but you have to listen to me or we could all be in serious danger."
Annie/Joxer: "What are you talking about?"
Harry/Xena: "I know enough about what happens in that scroll to know how it turns out."
Annie/Joxer: "Well, don't ruin it for me. I hate it when people blab the spoilers."
Mattie/Gabrielle: "Annie, you don't understand. There's a very real possibility that Ares might show up here."
Annie/Joxer: "Ares? You mean the 'God of War' Ares?"
Harry/Xena: "None other. If my instincts are correct, he's bound to make an appearance."
[A man speeds down a distant road on a motorcycle. Dogs bark. Flowers die. Gee, wonder who he could be?]
Joxer: [knocking on the door] … "It's, uh, it's Joxer … are you decent?"
Xena: "I don't know about that. Come in anyway."
Joxer: "Wow, you look really beautiful, um … despite the bleakness of the situation, I mean."Joxer: "Look, Xena, is there nothing I can say to make you not marry Ares?"
Xena: "I don't know what else to do, Joxer. Look, you don't have to stay for the ceremony. You won't be letting me down."
Joxer: "If you're really going to go through with this, you must really believe Gabrielle's alive, huh?"
Xena: "I do. Yes."
Joxer: "Okay, then so do I. Won't need this anymore … [tosses his flask of booze away] … I'm sorry I was such a downer."
Xena: "I guess we all deal with loss our own way."Joxer: "Look, I know this is a marriage made in Hades, but I figure we don't have to abandon every tradition, so here … Something old. It's a lock of Gabrielle's hair. It's weird, I know. I got it when she got a haircut last and I want you to have it."
Xena: "I don't know what to say."
Joxer: "And, uh, something new … [hands Xena a flower] … I picked it this morning. First bloom of the season … Something borrowed, uh … my lucky rabbit's foot. I'm sure it will bring you more luck than the rabbit I chopped it off."
Xena: "I guess we need something blue now, huh?"
Joxer: "That's easy … that's me."
Xena: [hugging her blue friend] … Everything's going to be fine, Joxer, I promise."
Ares: "You are absolutely breathtaking."
Xena: "Yeah? Then how come you're still breathing?"Clotho: "We have been called here today to witness the union of this god, Ares, and this mortal woman, Xena."
Lachesis: "The union which Ares and Xena are about to enter into shall be eternal and unbreakable by gods or mortals. Any breach in their vows will result in anguish for both."
Atropos: "In the name of Zeus, do you, Ares, God of War, take this mortal woman, Xena, for your eternal partner?"
Ares: "Yes. Yes, I do."
Atropos: "And in the name of our Mother, Goddess Hera, do you, Xena of Amphipolis, take Ares, God of War, for your eternal partner?"
Xena: "I do … not. That's a promise I just couldn't keep." … [grabs the marriage scroll and runs further into the temple]
Joxer: "You tell him, Xena. Xena … you're running the wrong way!"
Ares: "Well, this is embarrassing."
Joxer: "Deal's off, Ares. Let her go."Xena: [standing at the edge of the lava pit] … "I'm coming, Gabrielle."
Ares: "Don't tempt the Fates, Xena."
Xena: "The honeymoon is over, Ares." … [jumps into the chasm]
Joxer: "Xena? … No!"
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