Old Ares had a Farm
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'No one would suspect the God of War to be living on a country farm'
Gabrielle: "Ares, what's wrong with being a farmer?"
Ares: "For a rube, nothing. But for the God of War--"
Xena: "Former God of War."

Ares: "Xena, let's you and I go crazy on Gasgar and his boys. I am talking about slaughter and mayhem."
Xena: "Ares, do you really want to fight every warrior who wants to make a fortune?"
Ares: "Okay, it's getting to be a chore."
Gabrielle: "If we set you up as a farmer, you can come and go as you please."
Ares: "Really?"
Gabrielle: "No one would suspect the God of War to be living on a country farm."
Xena: "Gabrielle and I will stay with you, just until you get the swing of things."
Ares: "Yeah, plantation, some slaves, half a dozen flute playing girls "
Xena: "Just what I was thinking."


'Well, this is it'
Xena: [riding up to a very run-down house] "There it is, just as I remembered it. The Elysian Fields on earth Come on, come on. Well, this is it."
Ares: "What, the outhouse?"
Gabrielle: "It's beautiful."
Ares: "Hello! We're looking at a hovel."

'It's still there'
Xena: "Look [hopping up on the porch] here. I carved my initial in this pole. Here."
Gabrielle: "Let's see. It's still there."

Xena: "My grandma used to sit in this chair. She'd rock and she'd tell us stories about the Olympian gods."
Ares: "Bet you never thought you'd grow up to kill most of them, did you?"
Xena: [ignoring Ares] "But wait the best is yet to come." [goes inside]
Gabrielle: "Come on."

Gabrielle: "Xena, it's charming."
Xena: "It even smells the way I remember it."
Ares: "I don't want to spoil your waltz down Memory Lane, but Ares ain't living here. Now, you can tell us all about your pastoral childhood on the way back to civilization."
Xena: "Ares, it's a little run-down, but we can fix it."
Ares: "When I was a god, I couldn't have fixed this place."
Gabrielle: [trying with little success to upright a table] "It's nothing that a little hard work can't put right."
Ares: "See, now you're scaring me."
Xena: "More than a band of cutthroats who are after your blood?"
Ares: "Do I have to answer right away?"
Xena: "Gabrielle, come check out the stove."


Siki: "So, I get the God of War down, and I wouldn't listen to his pleas for mercy. And then I I cut his throat."
Girl: "What did he look like?"
Siki: "You know, he wasn't as mean looking as everyone says. Kind of a dark, handsome guy dressed all in black with a beard, and he had this gray vest -- oof!"

Gasgar: "You didn't kill anyone, you little pimple. But, you might have seen something. That description of Ares was pretty good."
Siki: "I - I did see him."
Gasgar: "Where?"
Siki: "Outside of Ipeiros. I followed them as far as the Lakawan Valley. Then I lost my nerve."
Gasgar: "What do you mean 'them'? Does he have an army with him?"
Siki: "No, a couple of women."
Gasgar: "Ares always did have a weakness for the ladies. Probably looking for a place to shack up with them. Pass the word. We're headed for the Lakawan Valley."


'I was doing ... a thing'
Xena: [from inside] "Ares, hurry up with those rags!"
Ares: "You know what [hides rags under floorboard of porch] I, uh, just can't seem to find them anywhere."
Xena: "Well, that doesn't make sense. Come on, then, we'll do something else."
Ares: "I was doing ... a thing."

Gabrielle: "Has anyone seen that saw I left out here?"
Ares: "Well, don't look at me. I try to touch tools of common labor as little as possible."
Xena: "Well, that's gonna change. Let's go." [drives Ares inside with a few quick whips of her apron]
Ares: "Not the butt if that leaves a mark "
Gabrielle: [still obsessing] "I know I left the saw on the railing."

Xena: "Alright, Ares, I want you to get up here on the mantelpiece and nail those boards to the ceiling."
Ares: [staring at a very shapely piece of warrior princess ass] "After you."
Xena: "Ares come on."
Ares: "Okay, what did you want me to do with the rags?"
Xena: "I wanted you to stuff them in the holes in the outside wall to keep the wind from coming though."
Ares: "I'd rather do that."

Xena: "Alright, what are you looking for?"
Ares: "Okay, I hid the rags. I thought you were going to get me to mop the floor or do some other demeaning job I'd rather die than do."
Gabrielle: "That's strange. I left both my boots out here and now one of them's gone."
Ares: "Okay, where's my wineskin."
Xena: "Something's out there."

Greba: "Excuse me! Hello! My name is Greba. I'm your neighbor."
Xena: "Oh, hi."
Ares: [perking right up] "Hel-lo."
Greba: "I just came from Ipeiros. There's an army heading toward the valley led by the warlord Gasgar. That Gasgar he's a bad one. You know what they say his favorite sport is? To take a young, beautiful, helpless maiden and despoil her chastity again and again and again."
Ares: [a little short of breath] "Oh, the beast."
Xena: "Thanks, Greba."
Greba: "It makes me shudder just thinking about it, being a young widow on my own without a man to take care of my wants and needs, alone in my house over the fence, just over there."
Xena & Gabrielle: "Thank you, Greba."

'Hey, drop by again when the news is better.'
Ares: "Hey, drop by again when the news is better. We'll have a glass of wine, swap stories on raising root vegetables."
Greba: "Well, goodbye."

'Where's my belt?'
Xena: "Alright, you two take care of the thief, I'm going to talk to Gasgar." [walks inside to change]
Ares: "Oh, so you still get to be a warrior!"
Xena: [emerges fully dressed in her leathers :) ] "Uh-huh. But, believe me, I would much rather stay here and work on the house."
Ares: "You know the sad thing? I believe you where's my belt?"
Xena: "Definitely take care of that one."


Demetrius: "Gasgar Xena's here."
Gasgar: "Xena?"
Xena: "Gasgar, I've come to present you with a little gift."
Gasgar: "What is it?"
Xena: "Ares' head on a platter."


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