Old Ares had a Farm
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Xena: [changing into her leathers with the help of a bard] "Alright, Ares, if you can pull this one off and convince them you're a farmer, they'll leave and you'll have your cover."
Ares: "But Gasgar and Attila know what I look like."
Xena: "That's the beauty of it. I've asked around. They're the only ones who know what you look like, and they won't be a part of the search party."

Demetrius: [from outside] "You inside! Show yourself!"

'Suck it in'
Xena: "Okay, the official story Ares passed by here a couple of days ago "
Gabrielle: "Suck it in."
Xena: " and when he left, he was headed for the Hurata Pass."

Demetrius: [from outside] .. "I said, get out here!"
Xena: "Alright, you're on. I'll be out back. Wouldn't do to find a warrior princess hanging out on a farm."

Demetrius: "If you don't come out here, things are going to get ugly!"

Gabrielle: "Go on out there."
Ares: "No, no, no. I'm going to need a moment. Stall."
Gabrielle: "Stall?"
[Gabrielle musses up her hair and rips open her shirt.]

Demetrius: "Torch the place."

[Gabrielle saunters out of the house breathing heavily and half exposed.]

'I was ... um ... busy'
Gabrielle: "Sorry, I was um busy."
Demetrius: "Come down here pretty one. Would you like to help us?"
Gabrielle: "Of course."

Demetrius: "We're looking for somebody. His name is Ares. Her probably doesn't go by that now. I've never seen him, but they say his looks are dark and women like the look of him."
Gabrielle: "There are a lot of men whose looks I like."

'Get back in the house, woman'
Ares: "Josa! What are you doing?! Get back in the house, woman Harlot!"

Ares: "What do you want?"
Demetrius: "I want you to drop the attitude, farm boy. And then, I want you to tell me if you've seen anybody suspicious around here."
Ares: "Yes, sir. Yes, I have. That'd be you oof!"
Demetrius: "Now give me an answer. Have you seen any tall, dark, handsome guy around here? I'm sure your woman over there would have been all over him if you did."

Xena: [riding up on Argo] ... "Wait a minute! If he's out cold how can we question him?"
Demetrius: "He's pretty feisty for a farmer. How do we know he's not Ares himself?"
Xena: "Are you kidding? Ares is much younger than this."
Demetrius: "Oh, yeah. You've seen him. The question is, has he seen him?"
Xena: "That's exactly what I'm going to find out."

Demetrius: "Put the pinch on him. I've never seen it."
Xena: "It's not exactly a spectator sport."
Demetrius: "Yeah, but I've heard it makes the nose gush blood Are you gonna do it or not?"

[Xena gives in to peer pressure and puts the pinch on poor Ares. As she does so, Ares' new best friend jumps up and bites Xena right on her pretty little ass.]

Xena: "You are going to be dead in thirty seconds, you and your little dog, too, if you don't tell me. Have you seen Ares, God of War?"
Ares: "He stayed here a couple of nights ago and went to the Hurata Pass."
Xena: "The Hurata Pass."
Demetrius: "Good work. I'll let Gasgar know right away."
Xena: "I'm gonna head for the Hurata Pass." [rides off behind the house]

Gabrielle: "Ares you shouldn't have come out with such an attitude."
Ares: "My woman was about to take on an entire army. I think even a farmer would have just a little bit of an attitude about that, don't you?"
Gabrielle: "I was playing with my character. I just used the first thing that popped into my head."
Ares: "I think that says a lot about you."

Xena: "Well done, Ares. You fooled them. They're gone [tosses her chakram at the dog who is up on the back of Gabrielle's horse] Get down from there."
Ares: "Hey! Do not be throwing things at my dog."
Xena: "What do you mean? He bit me! Did you say, 'your dog'?"
Ares: "He is the only one who stood up for me just now. I think I'll call you Horace. Horace, let's go kill some chickens."

'He's bonded with the dog'
Gabrielle: "It's amazing. He's bonded with the dog."
Xena: "Well, the dog worships him. That's a relationship Ares can understand."


Gabrielle: "I see you use the pull-and-squeeze method. I prefer the double-squeeze."
Xena: "Double-squeeze takes too long."
Gabrielle: "No, you get more milk that way. It's easier on the cow."

'The Warrior Princess and the Battling Bard discussing the correct technique for milking a cow'
Ares: "The Warrior Princess and the Battling Bard discussing the correct technique for milking a cow - absurd, and yet at the same time ridiculous."
Xena: "It's important."

Salesman: "Hello is anybody there?!"
Ares: [Horace jumps off Ares' lap and runs out of the barn] "Horace! Where ya going buddy?"
Gabrielle: "In here!"
Salesman: "I'm sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if anyone had seen my dog."
Ares: "Your dog?"
Salesman: "I'm a traveling salesman. I was passing through here a couple of weeks ago and my dog ran off during a thunderstorm. I was just trying to find him. You can't miss him. He's got two different colored eyes."
Ares: "One gray, one blue?"
Salesman: "Yes."
Ares: "I've never seen him."

Salesman: [hears a bark and looks out the window] "That's him that's him!"
Ares: "That's not a dog, it's a horse. We breed them small around here."
Salesman: "No, no, it's really him. Jake! Jake! Come back!"
Ares: "Run, Horace, run."


Demetrius: "Get out of the way."
Salesman: "Oh, I'll be with you later Now, how may I help you gentlemen?"
Gasgar: [motions towards the dog] "What's he chewing on?"
Salesman: "It's funny you should ask that, because this is one of the most precious items here. Look at that [Gasgar snatches it out of his hand] It's available, for a price."
Gasgar: "Looks like Ares' gauntlet. Where'd you get it?"
Salesman: "Now, that's a very interesting thing in itself, you see--"
Gasgar: "Where'd you get it?!"
Salesman: "My dog found it on a farm."
Gasgar: "What farm?"
Salesman: "A farm."


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