Gasgar: "So … you want a piece of him, too. Figures. I've heard about some of the things he's done to you over the years. Let me ask you something … when you were slaughtering gods up on Olympus, why didn't you just take him out then?"
Xena: "The coward ran. I didn't get the chance."
Gasgar: "Hm. Well … he's mortal now, so any of us can kill him. We don't need you … Xena. I sure don't need to split the bounty any more ways."
Xena: "I'm not in this for the gold, it's personal. Besides … what if you're wrong? What if it's just a rumor and he hasn't lost his immortality at all? You'd be stalking the God of War. But, I … I have the ability to kill gods. Wouldn't that make a nice insurance policy? Besides … I know where to find him."
Gabrielle: "Ares, when you gave up your immortality to save me and Eve, that was … that was quite a sacrifice. Thank you."
Ares: "If Eve had died, and Xena had lost the power to kill gods, then Athena would have killed Xena. So, I was saving Eve to save Xena. You were an afterthought."
Gabrielle: "Thanks anyway."
Gabrielle: "How'd it go?"
Xena: "So far so good … you cleared the chimney."
Gabrielle: "Ares did the heavy work."
Ares: "She's exaggerating. She just doesn't want to admit that that she couldn't get me to work any better than you could."
Gabrielle: "A lot of truth in that."
Xena: "You know, my brothers and I used to sit by the fire here and tell ghost stories. My brothers … I miss them sometimes."
Ares: "Xena … the thief is still here. He got my gauntlet this afternoon. Whoever it is, he's good, I mean very, very good. We didn't see a thing."
Gabrielle: "What if there's nothing to see?"
Ares: "Like a ghost?"
Ares: "You mortals go to the most incredible places just to rationalize unexplained phenomena."
Xena: "You know what's wonderful?"
Xena: "It's wonderful that we're sitting here together in front of this cozy fire."
Gabrielle: "That's right. Life on a farm is so peaceful."
Ares: "Are you two insane? The life is incredibly boring, it's horribly uncomfortable and it's hard."
Xena: "Oh, you'll change your tune when you get a few … [rain begins to leak through the ceiling like a sieve] … calluses on your hands."
Ares: [right under a particularly bad leak] … "Let me guess, this is your favorite part."
Xena: "Split up. There has to be one dry room in the house."
Gabrielle: "The kitchen's worse."
Xena: "Hey, it's dry in here. This was my room. Grandpa must have fortified the roof. It's the only dry room in the house."
Ares: "That's a big bed. The three of us can sleep in there."
Gabrielle: "The three of us in one bed?"
Xena: "Well, I suppose we are all grown-ups."
Ares: "We certainly are."
Xena: [waking to Ares' face within inches of her nose] … I think a change in position is in order … [Xena rolls over only to have Ares spoon her] … I meant we should both change positions."
Ares: "Alright." … [rolls onto his back]
Ares: [Gabrielle rolls over and her hand lands squarely on the former God of War's prized jewels. Xena, more than slightly annoyed, moves the offending hand away from a flushed Ares] … "I'm in Tartarus."
Xena: [from a distance] … "Gabrielle! I don't care if it is a ghost. If I can kill gods, maybe I can kill ghosts, too."
Ares: [dragging himself out of bed] … "Oh, thank God I'm a country boy."
Xena: "Wait a minute … drag marks. Look."
Gabrielle: [to Ares who is standing on the balcony of the bedroom] … "The ghost stole her breastplate."
Ares: "It couldn't carry her breastplate. Had to drag it. An ample breastplate to be sure, but …" … [jumps down]
Xena: "This way, come on!"
Xena: "Something buried our stuff."
Gabrielle: "What is this …"
Xena: "Look …" … [pulls her breastplate out of the dirt]
Gabrielle: "Strange … Where are my boots?"
Ares: "It's a wolf."
Gabrielle: "It's not a wolf, it's a dog. Don't they have dogs on Olympus?"
Ares: "Not one-headed ones."
Ares: [the dog jumps for Ares' head and starts slobbering all over him] … "Get him off me!"
Xena: "Hey, he's not attacking you. He's trying to be affectionate."
Ares: "I am not interested in that kind of relationship."
Ares: "Oh, no, no, no. Don't do that. We'll never get rid of it."
Gabrielle: "Maybe we don't want to get rid of him."
Ares: "Is there anything you and I agree on … [Gabrielle sends a wry look towards Xena] … oh, yeah, anything else?"
Xena: "Alright, Ares … you can stay here with your furry little friend and fix the roof. Gabrielle and I are off to town for some supplies."
Ares: "Could it get any worse?"
Greba: "Hello again!"
Ares: "Neighbor lady, hello … [struts down from the roof where he is greeted by an overzealous dog] … you filthy mongrel."
Greba: "Dogs make me go all cuddly."
Ares: "Ah. See the lady? Say hello to the lady, say hello!"
Greba: "My husband and I had a dog, but then he died three years ago in the battles. My husband, not the dog. But then, the dog was run over by the funeral wagon that was carrying his body home. There's been a great gaping hole in my heart ever since that day. Isn't war just terrible?"
Ares: "A crime against humanity."
Greba: "I don't know why people can't just be more like animals. I mean, animals don't go to war, or lie, or cheat, or betray each other. Take this little fellow here, I mean, when he likes you, he just comes up and starts licking you. Why can't we be more like that?"
Ares: "That is a very good question. Maybe we can take him for a very long walk sometime, huh?"
Greba: "They wouldn't mind us borrowing their dog? Your daughters?"
Ares: "You mean slave girls."
Greba: "They don't act like slaves."
Ares: "Yeah, well, I spoil them."
Ares: "So, uh, what made you think they were my daughters?"
Greba: "Well, I mean, you being an older man and everything. Oh, don't get me wrong. You're in great shape and you hold yourself so well. You know, good posture is so very important. It's just that you're, you know, so much more sophisticated than what I'm used to. And, well, with the gray hair I just--"
Ares: "Gray … gray hair? Gray hair."
Greba: "You have a patch of gray just right there."
Ares: "Is that rain? I … fix the roof."
Greba: "Oh, well, goodbye."
Ares: [to his new best friend] … "Think that's funny? Yuk it up."
Ares: [back up on the roof, it starts to creak beneath his feet] … "Of course." ... [falls through the roof]
Xena: "Ares … [sees him lying on the floor] … what are you doing?"
Ares: "Oh, I'm just lying here smelling my mortality, every muscle in my body aching. I have gray hair. And, the dog has its tongue in my mouth."
Xena: [to dog] … "Well, enough of that. Scat! Go!"
Ares: "All due respect, Xena, this is the worst idea you have ever had. I'll never make a convincing farmer."
Xena: "Nonsense. You just need to know how to accessorize. Come on."
[Gabrielle rides in with a wagon full of chickens, a pig, a cow and other assorted farm stuff.]
Ares: "I'm guessing these are the accessories."
Gabrielle: "Look what I found."
Ares: "This dog is incredibly needy."
Gabrielle: "Why don't you pet it? Then maybe it won't be so needy."
Xena: "Ares, I got a job you might like."
Xena: "Why don't you go kill a chicken for dinner."
Ares: [grabbing his sword] … "Alright! Now you're talking!"
Gabrielle: "Only one chicken."
Gabrielle: "Think he'll ever get used to this?"
Xena: "He just has to convince them once. After that, he can hire in some help or get those dancing girls for all I care. And once he is settled, you and I are out of here."
Gabrielle: "Ah, mm-hmm."
Gabrielle: "Xena, I know you want to help Ares, but you're here to relieve you childhood memories."
Xena: "You think?"
Xena: "Maybe you're right. I was happy here. It was peaceful and I felt safe. Ever since, my life has been anything but."
Gabrielle: "I'll say. Let's enjoy it while we can."
[The girls watch Ares chasing the chickens around without much success. Flat on his back again, he gives up his quest for chicken hacking.]
Ares: [to dog who is licking him again] … "Careful … I'm beginning to like that."
Xena: "Uh, Ares? My plan is working perfectly."
Ares: "Your plan to drive me insane?"
Xena: "No, my plan to deal with Gasgar."
Ares: "Are they leaving the valley?"
Xena: "No … they're coming right toward us."
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