Old Ares had a Farm

Xena & Gabrielle enact the first ever Witness Protection Plan. Ares discovers that being a farmer sucks almost as much as being mortal. The girls have a lover's spat. And, Ares makes a new friend.


Gabrielle: [entering a seedy tavern] "Xena, I'm beginning to lose my appetite."
Xena: "Let's give it a try. Sometimes these places have great food."

Xena: "Won't be a sec [walks up to a questionable looking band of soldiers] Pardon me, didn't you ride with Ahab the Lame?"
Brute: "Yeah, but I've moved on to better things."
Xena: "You look like the self-improvement type and aren't those Attila's colors your wearing? Some color and you, I could swear your Turkestan's boy What is this? A scumbag convention?"

'What is this?  A scumbag convention?'
Xena: "What brings you cutthroats together?"
Brute: "I don't have to tell you that."
Xena: "Oh, but you do." [puts the pinch on the poor dumb brute]
Silly Scumbag: "Get her!"

[Needless to say, the Warrior Princess and her Battling Bard kick some serious bad guy butt.]

Xena: "Alright, you got seconds to live, so spit it out."
Brute: "The warlords of Greece, Macedonia and Thrace have put a price on his head. We're united under Gasgar the Terrible to hunt him down and split the bounty."
Xena: [un-pinches the brute] "Alright, hunt down who?"
Brute: "The God of War Ares. He's mortal, and now the warlords that he crossed when he was a god are having their revenge."


[Ares strolls down a path stiffly, trying to work out the kinks in his very mortal joints.]

'Who are you?'
Siki: "Ares, prepare to die [Xena and Gabrielle appear] Who are you?"
Xena: "Who are you?"
Siki: "They call me 'Battling Siki'."
Xena: "Nobody ever called you that. You just made that up. But if you don't want to be known as 'Dead Siki' you'll be moving on."

'So, what brings you here?'
Siki: "Alright, but the gold is mine, Ares."
Ares: "I've been getting a lot of that lately. So, what brings you here? Animal magnetism?"

Xena: "I'm here to save your butt. The word is out that you're mortal. There's a price on your head, Ares, and every scumbag in the world is looking to cash in."
Gabrielle: "Gasgar the Terrible. Lombar. The Howl Brothers. Mosher."
Xena: "Attila."
Gabrielle: "The Beast of Turkestan."
Ares: "It'll be great fighting by your side. We'll take no prisoners."
Xena: "No, we're not here to participate in a blood bath. We're here to offer you a new life."
Ares: "You're a little ahead of me."
Xena: "Ares, you're going to spend the rest of your life a hunted man unless you assume a new identity."
Gabrielle: "You need to go undercover as someone else."
Ares: "Reinvent myself. Well, I'm not opposed to the idea. I've given a lot of thought to how I'm going to spend the rest of my mortal life. A king. A priest if the cult was sexy enough."

'How are you at shoveling sh*t?'
Xena: "Ares, you've got to do something that no one would ever suspect of you."
Ares: "Like what?"
Xena: "How are you at shoveling sh*t?"


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