Xena & Gabrielle enact the first ever Witness Protection Plan. Ares discovers that being a farmer sucks almost as much as being mortal. The girls have a lover's spat. And, Ares makes a new friend.
Gabrielle: [entering a seedy tavern] … "Xena, I'm beginning to lose my appetite."
Xena: "Let's give it a try. Sometimes these places have great food."
Xena: "Won't be a sec … [walks up to a questionable looking band of soldiers] … Pardon me, didn't you ride with Ahab the Lame?"
Brute: "Yeah, but I've moved on to better things."
Xena: "You look like the self-improvement type … and aren't those Attila's colors your wearing? Some color … and you, I could swear your Turkestan's boy … What is this? A scumbag convention?"
Xena: "What brings you cutthroats together?"
Brute: "I don't have to tell you that."
Xena: "Oh, but you do." … [puts the pinch on the poor dumb brute]
Silly Scumbag: "Get her!"
[Needless to say, the Warrior Princess and her Battling Bard kick some serious bad guy butt.]
Xena: "Alright, you got seconds to live, so spit it out."
Brute: "The warlords of Greece, Macedonia and Thrace have put a price on his head. We're united under Gasgar the Terrible to hunt him down and split the bounty."
Xena: [un-pinches the brute] … "Alright, hunt down who?"
Brute: "The God of War … Ares. He's mortal, and now the warlords that he crossed when he was a god are having their revenge."
[Ares strolls down a path stiffly, trying to work out the kinks in his very mortal joints.]
Siki: "Ares, prepare to die … [Xena and Gabrielle appear] … Who are you?"
Xena: "Who are you?"
Siki: "They call me 'Battling Siki'."
Xena: "Nobody ever called you that. You just made that up. But if you don't want to be known as 'Dead Siki' you'll be moving on."
Siki: "Alright, but the gold is mine, Ares."
Ares: "I've been getting a lot of that lately. So, what brings you here? Animal magnetism?"
Xena: "I'm here to save your butt. The word is out that you're mortal. There's a price on your head, Ares, and every scumbag in the world is looking to cash in."
Gabrielle: "Gasgar the Terrible. Lombar. The Howl Brothers. Mosher."
Gabrielle: "The Beast of Turkestan."
Ares: "It'll be great fighting by your side. We'll take no prisoners."
Xena: "No, we're not here to participate in a blood bath. We're here to offer you a new life."
Ares: "You're a little ahead of me."
Xena: "Ares, you're going to spend the rest of your life a hunted man unless you assume a new identity."
Gabrielle: "You need to go undercover as someone else."
Ares: "Reinvent myself. Well, I'm not opposed to the idea. I've given a lot of thought to how I'm going to spend the rest of my mortal life. A king. A priest … if the cult was sexy enough."
Xena: "Ares, you've got to do something that no one would ever suspect of you."
Ares: "Like what?"
Xena: "How are you at shoveling sh*t?"
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