Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5

Season 1 ...

"Now listen, I'm fierce and I have a lust for blood. As a matter of fact, if a couple of days go by and I haven't shed some blood I get very depressed. Blood and me go together like a horse and chariot. I once bathed in a tub of blood. My nickname is Bloody Joxer."

Season 2 ...

"Yeah, I play the Lyre. Don't advertise it all over town. I have a reputation to maintain."

"No! Don't ask her any questions. Are you kidding me? Anything she says is going to propel her into a Bacchaean frenzy. You better give me this. (snatching staff) I'm going to sharpen it into a point...Okay...fine. But, when she bites you head off in the middle of the night, don't come running to me."

"Nothing like stalking a Bacchae to get the blood flowing."

"We could all travel around together. Xena and I could be like a father and mother to you."

"The monster is dead! I killed it! Me, Joxer...ow...the new God of War! You may bow."

"My sword is always ready to pleasure you, my lady."

"Each of you is like a rose in the garden of life. But, I have come to sample just one."

"Come, your destiny lies at the point of my sword."

"I think you're jealous. I mean, I can understand that. You want to be the hero so bad you can't stand the thought of me saving the day. Gabrielle, there's nothing wrong with being a sidekick."

"Joxer the Mighty, he roams through the countryside.
He never needs a place to hide
with Gabby as his sidekick,
fighting with her little stick,
righting wrongs and singing songs,
being mighty all day long,
he's Joxer, Joxer the Mighty."

Season 3 ...

"Well, as you know, Xena, we warriors always have Second Sight. We always know when something's about to ... oof!"

"Wait a minute, what if, like, none of this really is happening and we're inside someone else's head and they're just making us up?"

"Oh, come on! It's a great plan. I know a lot of people who have bonded over their mutual hatred for me ... you two for example."

"Hear me, cowards! I ... we are your true enemies. We spit on your houses ... pituy! We curse your names. We laugh at your ancestors ... ha ha ha. (to the girls) Now's where they bond." (the arrows fly)

"Don't worry, she's gone but you can still be my sidekick."

"The woman I love is working here. I've got to stop her. On the other hand, I am just a small business transaction away from pressing my lips against her."

"Joxer, the Mighty: master of geography
Here to guide you on your way.
Stick with me you'll never stray.
If you're in a land that's new
I'm the man who'll get you through,
Even when you're slightly nude.
I'm Joxer! Joxer the Mighty!"

"Look, I just want the old Gabrielle back. You know, the one who used to smack me on the forehead and gouge out my eyes. Just forget everything I've told you. It's not who you are. Except the part about dancing in the rain nude, that is you."

"Ah Ah. I Attus, King of Trout and Ruler of its people. I set you free ... huh? ... ha ha ha ha ha ... you tell good joke, Trout Brother. But now I must have tribute. Go. Swim. Be free. Go. Go."

"Now I take you to Raging River where for three moons we make furious zug-zug."

"Oh! Great White Monkey Xena come for Princess Gaia ... Animals! Animals of the Jungle! Listen to me! Billy Goats! Form running positions! Elephants! Suck water from Great River! Form moat! Great Eagle! Come down and collect me so that I may swoop down upon her! ... Come down and collect me so that I may swoop down upon her! ... OOH! Damn You! You ungrateful animals!"

Season 4 ...

While counting sheep: "1138 ... 1139 ... (Achoo!) ... great, lost count again ... one ... two ... three ... fou- ... (snore)."

"Okay, then it's settled. We're a team, Joxer the Mighty and his mighty band of mighty men ... girls ... um ... Joxer the Mighty and his fighting, mighty women fighters."

"Listen, would you guys stop scratching and picking for one minute. Everyone's getting nervous. Would you go out there and flex a little warrior muscle and maybe kill ... something."

"Good news! I've spoken with the villagers and they've decided not to stone you ... us ... decided not to stone me."

"You know, I'm a graduate from the Royal Athens Academy of Cooking. I cooked for the King ... before he died."

"Joxer the Mighty, never gets a fever, he's eager as a beaver, he's Joxer, Joxer the ... ohhh ...."

"I worked it out and it's all even-Steven. I get half, she gets half and you get half."

"Well, at least that nutty broad, Aphrodite, isn't around. What an airhead. Talk about your half-wits, and half dressed ... hello, Aphrodite."

"Look, Xena, I'm sidekicking, ya know? I'm your comrade in arms ... your wing man ... you're the comet and I'm Ajax ... you're Achilles and I'm your heel. Don't you see? With these fists of fury you'll have no problem beating anyone. Watch ... hyah! ... every muscle is tight ... notice the action ... OW!"

"Sidekick ... I am ten times the sidekick Gabrielle is. Now Zantar, if I ever see that big, fat porker, bulbous behemoth of a hippo I'm gonna tell him ... what a great guy he is."

"I'm not drunk, I just trip over things like that.

"I just figured, you know, a little eye candy, what's the harm? Doesn't affect the whole ‘vision' thing, it's all still the same story."

"And a hot tub, I've got the guys working on it in the back. I thought to myself, ‘Joxer, what is it that you like?' And, I figured that's what the public wants."

"You know what, Xena? You're always in everybody's business."

"It's a lie, you know, my whole life. I'm not a warrior. What kind of warrior kills somebody and then has nightmares about it every night?"

"Aha! So you admit you knew her? Maybe you like those horseys a little too much ... let me rephrase that ... Raveneka killed a few horseys, you got mad and now she's dead ... Oh C'mon, people. Do I have to spell it out for you? Minya in the bedroom with a knife."

"So you're saying it was Cyrene in the bed room with a kitchen knife ... In the kitchen with a bedroom knife?"

"Oh, wait a minute now. Sure, sure it looks bad. Lila in the bedroom with a knife, but it's obvious that may seem ... please, I'm trying to help you out here ... Now look, Lila couldn't have killed Raveneka. Why, at the time her whereabouts were completely, unequivicably, without a doubt unknown. Which is not to say that she was anywhere near the bedroom at the time of the murder."

"Hey, when I left her, she was stained but standing."

Season 5 ...

"What do you know about guys? You're an Amazon. All you know about is shopping for bows and arrows and emasculation."

"Women, can't live with ‘em ... can't chain ‘em in the yard."

"No no. Gabrielle, look, with me around to handle the smaller and more indispensable aspects of life, that leaves you to handle the larger and more important ones."

"Hey, never underestimate cooks."

"Wait a minute. No offense, but Gabby doesn't know Shallot from Shellfish, you know?."

"He don't speak Greek too good, do he?"

"Yep. I won two awards for this at the Thebian Cooking Academy. Of course, the Thebians' legendary flatulence had nothing to do with this."

"Who was going to pull their swords first, me or them? I looked them in the eye, and then -- Whang! Ten of them went down right then and there before me! ... Well, bravery really isn't the word for it. It's more like incredible chivalry. Because right then and there, wave after wave came! Wham! Hiyah! Ahh! Hoo! Haa! Blood everywhere! Then, right in front of me -- Kahn's entire army. Hund- ... Thou- ... Thous- ... Hundreds of thousands of them came after me! I ... Wham! ... ten of them went down! Whang! Whop! Wham! Ten, spurting blood everywhere! And they ran. I dropped my sword, but then Kahn came right towards me! I looked at him, took my hand, reached into him, and pulled out his beating heart!"

"Do birds fly? Do bees buzz? Do I take a bath once a month whether I need it or not? You bet."

"Oh, Pregnant Woman's hungry -- there's news ... Ow!"

"Giants ... ha ha ha ... Hades, that's the least of your problems. Let's see, there's Dryads ... Harpies ... Bacchae ... oh sure, that kid of yours is going to encounter a host of problems. Let's see -- pestilence, disease, foot rot, misery. But, you know what, Xena? That kid's got something he couldn't get anywhere else ... You."

"... well, it all started when I was a child. I was a happy kid, at first. But, then Mom and Dad started fighting. He'd get tanked and take the chariot ... no matter who tried to stop him. One day, Mom took it hard. And then, she took a couple of arrows from Dad's creditors and died. It's just not fair!"

"Must be Lachrymose intolerant."

"Why is everyone telling me to think? I think. I just don't show it."

"No, wait! I didn't explain myself. I need to use the little warrior's room. Look, you can either take me to those bushes over there, or … help me by dropping my pants right here … Ow!"

"Oh, hi. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to look at you. I don't even like looking at naked girls. I don't. Can you please get Xena? I've been here a really long time. I'm so sor-- … (Rhea bares her barely covered body) … Hello, name's Joxer. Spelled J-O-X-E-Rrrrrr. Know what I mean? I'm a warrior. I've killed a lot of people. That turn you on, killing people?"

"Hey, listen - we're not just machines, you know, you can use to … Besides, you know, we can't just do it on command. We need stuff like cheap motel rooms, and dirty pictures and lingerie - stuff like that. We're not animals … but I can get those things."

"Hey, it's not my fault if a bunch of half-naked woman are bathing and I just happen to be watching them from the bushes for a really long time. Ow!"

"Hi there. Remember me? The name's Joxer, J-O-X-E-R. The 'X' is extra-super sexy'."

"No, you're - you're very attractive. I just don't think this is going to work. Look, you're a Pagan, I'm a Zoroastrian. How will we raise our kids?"

"Oh, I get it. I was a sexual object, used and then tossed away. The baloney pony. A disposable stud … Alright!"

"Yeah, see? So … uh … it's all settled. I'll go get my armor and delouse my sword, and, hey, you know, it'll be like old times again."

"Wow … 18, 19, 20 … to one. Good odds."

"No … problem. Spill that infidel's blood. Personally, I never like to kill infidels before noon … though in your cases, I'll make an excep-- … oh, hey, that is sharp."

"What? What's the matter with you guys? I'll be fine. I'm a little cold -- but it doesn't hurt anymore."

"Ow! Man! Materializing is not like it is in the brochure … Hi."