Here She Comes ...
Miss Amphipolis
- Page 5 -

[Just as Xena looks at Lord Clairon, he suspiciously looks up towards the beam above Miss Skiros. Xena follows his gaze and realizing that Miss Skiros is in mortal danger switches into warrior princess mode. She flips onto the stage. Pushes poor Miss Skiros out of the way and kicks the snake in the head. When the dust clears, Xena is standing on the falling hunk of ceiling with the unconscious cobra in her hands.]

Xena: "Thank you. Ta-da."

[While walking through a poorly lit area of the castle, the Doge of Messini is knocked out by an unknown assailant.]

Salmoneus: "What does she think she's doing, huh? She certainly picked a fine time to go touring around the castle. Doesn't she know it's dangerous out there?"
Gabrielle: "She'll be fine."

[While walking through a poorly lit area of the castle, the Palatine of Parnassus is knocked out by an unknown assailant.]

'Unless something happens to her'
Gabrielle: "Now, the good news is that she's a cinch to win. Then, this is over and we're home free."
Salmoneus: "Unless something happens to her, then we're not so 'home free'."

[While walking through a poorly lit area of the castle, the Doge of Messini is knocked out by an unknown assailant.]

Gabrielle: "No on else knows she's in the castle. It's perfectly safe. Now, just don't worry."

[The Matron of the Pageant suspiciously lurks in the shadows as Gabrielle and Salmoneus walk by.]

'What are you doing?'
Lord Clairon: "Miss Amphipolis, I'm Lord Clairon. Congratulations. I'd stake my life that the judges will chose you as the winner."
Xena: "Well, that's very kind of you to say."
Lord Clairon: "Not at all. In fact, kindness has nothing to do with it. I said that I'd stake my life, where in fact, I'm staking yours." … [whips out a big, bad dagger]

Xena: "What are you doing?"
Lord Clairon: "You wouldn't understand. You weren't here for the war when our neutrality made this country rich."
Xena: "You made a profit out of death and suffering?"
Lord Clairon: "Let's just say, we filled a need. And then the Peace came and the good times were gone. That's why we need another war … to bring back the prosperity. And, that's why you have to die."

'So you're the one who's sabotaging this pageant'
Xena: "So you're the one who's sabotaging this pageant."
Lord Clairon: "Can you think of a better way to get these fools to fight again without arousing suspicion?"
Xena: "As a matter of fact, I can't. But why don't we ask the fools themselves."… [Pulls a cloth off a nearby table to reveal the Doge, Palatine and Regent tied and gagged underneath.]

Lord Clairon: "You surprise me. I had no idea that a beauty contestant could be more than the sum her well-assembled parts."
Xena: "Neither did I."
Lord Clairon: "Now be smart and maybe I won't have to disassemble you."
Xena: "Trust me, you don't want to make me angry."
Lord Clairon: "Oh, on the contrary, I'm looking forward to it."
Xena: "Okay … [easily thwarts Clairon's attempts to skewer her] … Are we having fun yet?"

Xena: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

[It goes without saying that Xena mops the floor with poor, misled Lord Clairon.]

Lord Clairon: "But, how did you--"
Xena: "Know it was you? Only the guy who rigged it could have looked up at that beam. And, as for the security you were adding, well, there wasn't a guard in sight."

Gabrielle: "Xena!"
Gagged Guys Under the Table: "Xena?!"
Gabrielle: "I mean … Miss Amphipolis."
Xena: "It's alright, Gabriele. I think we all know who's who now."
Gabrielle: "Not quite. The judges have voted. They're ready to crown the a winner."

'She's withdrawn from the pageant'
Salmoneus: "I have here the results of the first Miss Known World Pageant. Now, if for any reason the winner is unable to perform her duties … Like she isn't here!, then the crown will got the first runner-up and so on down the line. Is that understood?!
Xena: "Perfectly."

Salmoneus: "Xena, what have you done with Miss Amphipolis?"
Xena: "She's withdrawn from the pageant. She told me to say that she's learned a lot from all of you. But, it's time that she moved on."
Salmoneus: "But, she can't. I have the ballot right here. Uh-oh, she won, see? She can't quit now."
Xena: "She just did."
Salmoneus: "Right."

'Turns out all I need is myself'
Salmoneus: "That means the winner will be our 1st runner-up, and that is-"
Miss Skiros: "Wait. I quit, too."
Regent of Skiros: "What?!"
Miss Skiros: "That's right. I thought I needed this crown to get away from a lot of bad luck. Turns out all I need is myself … and maybe someone to remind me of that once in a while."

Salmoneus: "Okay, moving on down the line … Ah, I see that our winner is--"
Miss Messini: "Wait. Me, too. I quit, too."
Salmoneus: "What, is this catching?"
Doge of Messini: "You heard her. She wants to quit. You got a problem with that?"
Salmoneus: "No, Sir. Especially because I think we have a winner right here--"
Miss Parnassus: "Then think again."

Palatine of Parnassus: "We had a deal! You'd put yourself before your village? You'd let them starve?"
Miss Parnassus: "No, I won't let them starve. I'll help them plant, and plow, and harvest year after year until we get through this. But to give away my pride and my dignity for one winter's food, where's the good in that?"
Salmoneus: "She has a point, which means that our winner is … Miss Artiphys!"

Salmoneus: "Thank you. You really saved my assets. You are something else."
Miss Artiphys: "You have no idea."

Salmoneus: "Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you on her inaugural walk down our runway, your Miss Known World!"

'Stand back and let her through...'
"Stand back and let her through, she's the one girl who
A beauty so mythic, her figure's terrific
She's Miss Known World."

'She's Miss Known World'
"With a face and form so sublime
She's a legend within her own time
So stand back, make way, let her smile make your day
She's Miss Known World."

'Beauty is beauty'
Gabrielle: "So Miss Know World is a man?"
Xena: "Yep."
Gabrielle: "It's kinda funny, huh?"
Xena: "Why? Beauty is beauty."
Gabrielle: "And peace is peace."

Xena: "Are you going to write about this?
Gabrielle: "Oh yeah. I was thinking about calling it 'Queen for a ...'"
Xena: "Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "What a drag--"
Xena: "Gabrielle…"
Gabrielle: "Okay, okay."

DISCLAIMER: No ribbons were harmed during the making of this motion picture. However several experienced severe motion sickness.

Images courtesy of Mega Xena: Warrior Princess

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