Salmoneus: "Xena, is that really you? ... Acckk! ... brilliant disguise."
Salmoneus: "What happened? You were almost disqualified."
Xena: "Which is exactly what someone wanted."
Gabrielle: "Did she tell you she was locked in the steam room?"
Salmoneus: "Someone tried to sauté you?"
Xena: "Yes [holds up an earring] and I think I know who."
Xena: "Looking for this? [Miss Artiphys tries to move past Xena, but Xena reaches up and snatches Miss Artiphys' wig clean off her um, his head] Now, I want some straight answers."
Miss Artiphys: "You've got the wrong girl. Okay, okay. I was just kidding. Where's your sense of humor?"
Xena: "Gee, I must have sweated it out. That your idea of funny, too?"
Miss Artiphys: "I was just trying to scare you."
Xena: "Why'd you want to scare me?"
Miss Artiphys: "Because I knew you knew, you know, about me, and I didn't want you telling anyone. But when I came back to unlock the door, you'd already gone."
Xena: "What made you think I'd tell?"
Miss Artiphys: "You really don't get it, do you? Being born a woman, I guess you wouldn't. This is a chance to use a part of people usually laugh at, or worse. A part I usually have to hide, only here, that part works for me, see?"
Xena: "I don't think so."
Miss Artiphys: "Look, I don't expect you to understand, and I'm sorry I got you steamed. I just hope you let me quit the pageant in private, instead of going public with it."
Xena: "No way may the best person win."
Lord Clairon: "What else can I do? We've always been neutral, even during the war. That's why there's no army to call out, just some reserves and I'm using all I've got."
Palatine of Parnassus: "Then you'd better draft more or I'll be forced to bring in my own men."
Regent of Skiros: "He brings in his own men, so do I."
Doge of Messini: "And I."
Gabrielle as The Marchesa: "Will you listen to yourselves? How do you think the contestants feel under all this pressure?"
Regent of Skiros: "Who cares? As long as mine wins."
Palatine of Parnassus: "I told mine I didn't care if she wins I just don't want her to lose."
Gabrielle as The Marchesa: "Very understanding."
Doge of Messini: "What did you tell yours?"
Gabrielle as The Marchesa: "I do not tell her anything. We are a team. I ask."
Palatine of Parnassus: "Yeah, right!"
Palatine of Parnassus: "One more incident and I'm bringing in my troops."
Regent of Skiros: "That makes two of us."
Lord Clairon: "I'll send out a call for more volunteers."
Doge of Messini: "Marchesa, that asking stuff, it works for you?"
Gabrielle: "Every time."
Gabrielle: "Remember, a beauty pageant is like a war. To win you have to be fired with the heat of competition ... the power ... the passion ... the desire to win."
Xena: "Gabrielle, we're not here to win. We're here to stop a war."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, sure. But there's no harm in winning, right?"
Salmoneus: "Follow your moves, keep it warm, and whatever happens, try to stay upright. Okay, let's hit it one two three "
"Like soft gentle winds that will blow through your hair
Like fire that warms you when no one else cares
Like flowers that bloom from the earth in the spring
A Woman's a natural thing."
"Like flora and fauna that brightens your day
Like the water we drink and the sea where we play
Like dragonflies riding the air on their wings
A Woman's a natural thing."
"So give thanks and give praise to the gods for their wonderful bounty
And thanks to our leaders from city and county
But most of all, honor their goddess, Demeter
With flowers and songs and crops that will feed her
To her we will lift up our cups as we sing
A Woman's a natural thing ... yeah!"
Salmoneus: "Okay, take five. I'll work with you in small groups."
Palatine of Parnassus: "You move very well."
Palatine of Parnassus: "You look familiar. Have we met before?"
Xena: "I'm sure I would have remembered."
Palatine of Parnassus: "Then allow me to introduce myself. I am the Palatine of Parnassus."
Xena: "Miss Amphipolis."
[Xena extends her hand to shake it with the Palatine, who then proceeds to kiss it repeatedly and in a less than seductive way.]
Xena: "You keep your greasy lips off my arm and apologize."
Palatine of Parnassus: [gasping] "I'm sorry."
Xena: "Not to me [nods towards a glaring Miss Parnassus] to her."
Palatine of Parnassus: "We're not done, you and me, not by a long shot."
Salmoneus: "Next we have Miss Skiros. As cool as the marble her country is known for, Miss Skiros' hobbies include music, exotic dancing and making sacrifices to the gods! Her favorite deity Aphrodite! Let's hear it for Miss Skiros, everybody!"
Salmoneus: "Next up, we have Miss Amphipolis. A country girl at heart, Miss Amphipolis enjoys the simple things in life ... weaving tapestries, making candles, and doing volunteer work with her local Hestian virgins. Put 'em together for the phenomenal Miss Amphipolis!"
Palatine of Parnassus: "Wait! That woman, she's not a contestant! That's Xena, Warrior Princess!"
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