Season 3 ...
"You don't gamble? Xena, who are we kidding here? Everyday of your life is a roll of the dice."
"‘Rise and shine.' Yeah yeah, I'll rise, but I refuse to shine."
"So you're saying that today is actually yesterday for you, but for us, you're saying that today is today because we can't remember that yesterday was today, right? ... I don't get it."
"I wonder what would have happened if I had met you before, before ... you know."
"Am I really who I am, or am I who you made me?"
"Ah, another day. Rise and shine! Hm, I guess I am a morning person."
"I don't think I have ever been part of a true disaster before."
"But what is a mountain, but just a bunch of boulders, right? And what is a rock, but a large grain of sand? And what is a large grain of sand ... I mean, do you see my theory here?"
"You know her? Of course you know her, you're the ‘who's who' of warriors."
"That's okay, the gods I know are trouble enough."
"It's hard for people to believe in something that they can't see, or touch, or hear."
"Xena taught me that if you let someone take advantage of you, they will."
"She (Xena) hardly knows me. She probably doesn't even know I'm gone. I mean, she hardly knows when I'm around. Come to think of it, she doesn't even know my name."
"Hey, could I have some cherries, too, please? ... and some beef jerky ... hmm, pork livers, if you've got it. I mean don't over cook it. I like it bloody ... you know, if you melt some cheese over it that would be perfect ... Can I have some more goat's cream, please? ... Hey, if you have any chicken gizzards, you just fry them in sheep lard ... send them my way."
"I'm glad I could help get you a deal on the things you need to commit a murder."
"You owe someone so much that you would just throw away these last few years?"
"Can we talk? Of course not. I betrayed you. The pathetic thing is, I thought I was saving you. My reverence for life kept a brutal tyrant in power and led to my best friend's execution. I know you hate me Xena, no more than I hate myself."
"Three hours Joxer, I waited for you for three hours with a bunch of drunken, horny half-wits. I have been grabbed more times than the Golden Fleece!"
"Xena, Warrior Princess, meet Leah, the Priestess...the Hestian Priestess...the Hestian virgin Priestess."
"Believe me, if I have to go the rest of my life without companionship, knowing myself won't be a problem."
"I love starting a new scroll...the feel of it in your hands...the look...so clean...so perfectly empty...listen...the way it crinkles the first time you open it...and that smell...it's just a special untouched scent...try."
"Where's Xena...who were those...what are you...wait a minute...'Xena had gone...the lone warrior, Gabrielle...five barbarians...she started twirling her staff delivering kicks of such fury...deflected the thrust of a sword with her mighty abs'...I wrote this!"
"See there, all the food is free and the drinks are on the...I think I have to be more careful with my wording."
"Slow learner, huh, Xena? I had that problem with basket weaving."
"Stopping an army -- isn't that something you try about 300 times before you actually do it?"
"No serum ... no militia ... you know, Xena, they say that bad things come in three's. How about that armory, huh?"
"I didn't know that I qualified as an army."
"The first thing is the ‘greater good.' You taught me that. You taught me that there are things is life worth dying for. Things that hold a higher meaning than our own existence."
"I know that I am going to die. Why can't you accept that? A long time ago, I accepted the consequences of our life together ... that it might one day come to this ... it has. I'm not afraid."
"Why not use your chakram...ricochet it off a couple of rocks, slice off a piece of her ear and scare her witless."
"Oh no. I knew you were evil, but you were obnoxious too?"
"Xena, if you can say with a straight face that you believe in her, it will go a long way with a confused kid like that. It did with me. It's easier to believe in yourself after someone else has believed in you first."
"I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna rip out her throat. I'm gonna eat her eyeballs..."
"You're making me be a part of murder and you're being so casual about it."
"I don't know what's happening to me, Xena. I did something that I never thought I would do. I played judge, jury and executioner."
"I wanted to get there before Xena so that I could betray her. I wanted to betray her. I gave her everything and it had meant nothing to her. I hated her for loving someone else. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted her to be punished."
"It's very strange. In every story you tell me, this thing I'm wearing gets smaller. Is it enchanted?"
"It's beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! Don't you think it's beautiful? The way it dips and curves ... Parchment? Uh ... no, the cloud behind it. Don't you think it looks like my nose, you know, the way it dips down and has that cute little curve to the side?"
"Very funny. Fortunately, I have a brilliant sense of humor."
"That's ridiculous. My opinion of myself hasn't changed one iota since ... (Xena unsheathes her shiny and amazingly reflective sword) ... oh, oh yeah, lookin' good."
"I still don't see why we didn't bring Argo. I'm getting calluses ... perfect calluses."
"You know, Xena, I've been thinking about rewriting this scroll. It just doesn't have a point of view. You know, it needs more verve, more character, more ... more of me. It doesn't sing to me like this. Actually, that's a great idea, a scroll should be sung, not told ..."
"Well ... listen to m' story 'bout Gabrielle, cute little gal that's looking pretty swell,
Perfect hair, such a lovely lass, nice round breasts and a firm young ..."
"It's just wonderful. It's flawless. I feel right at home here."
"You'd like that, wouldn't you? No, I'm sorry, Joxer, I take my clothes off, I could kill you. Beauty can do that ... Did I just say that? Is Xena right? Have I gone to far? Am I obsessed with myself? ... No, what's not to like!"
"She wants me to fist a fish? I can barely say it, much less do it. She just doesn't truly appreciate the great work of art that I am."
"It was like my reflection embraced me. I sank into it. I was surrounded by it. And then, you pulled me up and ... I looked into your eyes and, Xena, I finally realized that there can be only one person for me in my life ... me. Hey, I let you save me."
"Xena! I have something really important I need to speak with you about ... Do these boots work with this skirt?"
"You're jealous ... of me. All this time, Xena, I have tried to let it go, you know, and it hasn't been easy. I have tried to be humble with you, but you pushed me too far."
"No. Don't. I haven't seen this diamond. Yes, you say that it's stolen, and I took your word for it. But you bring me here where no one can appreciate my radiance. No one. No competition for you."
"Oh, no no no no, that's mine (a pink nighty? ... I wonder who she wears that for?). A garment of this quality can only adorn a perfect body."
"She's come for me. I knew she would. She can't live without me for a minute. Not that I can blame her."
"Xena, you saved me. The world will thank you for rescuing such an unbridled beauty. Your name will be legendary ... like Gabrielle the Great, Gabrielle of Troy, or Lady Gabrielle, Gabrielle of the Nile ... wait, there's more ... Gabrielle of Olympus, Gabrielle and the four seasons ..."
"Hold it boys. Do you think that I'm not used to men chasing me? Same old story. I can't believe I'm beginning to chafe. Okay, look. I'm sure that even people of your ilk can appreciate perfection, right?"
"This body. Are you insane? Have you no understanding of absolute inviolate cuddliness?"
"Sorry, Xena, but I really don't pay that much attention to you. I have much more important things to do with my time."
"This plan will go to Tartarus in a reed basket if he's not here."