Vanishing Act

Xena, Gabrielle and Autolycus team up to steal back the statue of Pax (peace). But, the thief is none other than the man who killed Autolycus' brother (such is the world of coincidences and irony in the Xenaverse). The statue is restored to its rightful owners, and the crown of the King of Thieves is restored to its rightful, handsome head. As a side note, Xena's mole was put on display at the Cosmopolitopolis Beauty Institute.

Xena: "Things don't just vanish, Aydar. Someone stole it."
Aydar: "It's taller than a house. Who could have stolen it?"
Xena: "I think we have a suspect."

There's only one problem
Autolycus: "Well, it is impressive, isn't it? I mean, a statue that size just disappearing like that. It would not be immodest to say that that is the greatest theft ever. There's only one problem."
Xena: "And what's that, genius?"
Autolycus: "I didn't do it."

Autolycus: "I did not steal that statue ... granted, I can't believe I didn't steal the statue."

Autolycus: "I don't know who stole that statue. What's worse, I don't know how they stole it. So if I don't find out who did it and steal it back ..."
Xena: "You're no longer the King of Thieves."
Autolycus: "Exactly. Which is why I'm gonna let you work with me on this."
Xena: "Oh thanks, but no thanks."

Autolycus: "It takes a thief to catch a thief."

Autolycus pestering Xena to the point of submission
Autolycus: "Like what have I done for you lately, huh? Nothing besides letting you live inside my body while I risked my life to steal back your shapely corpse all the while having to listen to Gabrielle whining and crying twenty-four hours a day about how much she misses Xena..."
Xena: "Are you quite finished?"
Autolycus: "That depends, did it work?"
Xena: "It worked."
Autolycus: "Then I'm finished."

Autolycus: "It's got to be done my way."
Xena: "Huh?"
Autolycus: "My reputation as the King of Thieves is not going to be restored if you sling you chakram and poke people with swords. It's got to be done the Autolycus way."

Xena: "Autolycus became a thief to right a terrible wrong."
Gabrielle: "I know, he told me. He stole everything from the man who killed his brother. He left him with nothing, just a broken man."
Xena: "You see, that was Autolycus' defining moment. He'll always think of himself as a thief."

Autolycus: "Now, I happen to have a plan, and if it works, I will be a legend and you two will be a legend's helpers"

Good Centurion, Bad Centurion
Autolycus: "Good Centurion, bad Centurion ... put a little pressure on him."
Xena: "Right you are ... (jab jab jab) ... now tell us who shipped out that statue."
Autolycus: "You don't have to answer that ... what are you doing?"
Xena: "Putting a little pressure on him."
Autolycus: "Psychological pressure."

Gabrielle: "Tarsus, I presume."
Tarsus: "And you are?"
Gabrielle: "Myopia, the Fence. I ... fence."

Gabrielle: "You can't melt the statue down."
Tarsus: "Why not?"
Gabrielle: "Because it ... because it gets gooey. I do not pay for goo."

1 warrrior princess + 1 mole = 1 Fence from ... New Joysey?
Xena (as Ezra): "Myopia, I've heard of you. They say you used to be good looking."

Xena (as Ezra): "This is my assistant ... Bentley."

Xena: "You just had to outbid me, didn't ya?"
Gabrielle: "You outbid me first."
Xena: "It's no wonder you didn't go even higher."
Gabrielle: "Right, like I can top the Ring of Apollo."

Xena (as Ezra): "Hold everything! The party starts here."

Thea: "Forgive me for staring, but I just can't help but to notice your ..."
Autolycus: "Smile?"
Thea: "To be honest, I was actually referring to your hump. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?"
Autolycus: "Well ... sure ... go ahead. What do you want to know?"
Thea: "Would you mind if I touched it?"
Autolycus: "Oh ... no, I would rather if you didn't."
Thea: "Why? Does it hurt?"
Autolycus: "Well, of course it hurts. Why do you think camels are so miserable?"

Tarsus: "The world belongs to those who make it their own."

Xena (as Ezra): "Auto, Auto baby, you promised me this was gonna work. You're supposed to be the King of Thieves. My father, my father told me he was a looser and a fraud with his phony disguises and that silly mustache, but I will always love you. Oh, you gotta believe me. He put me up to this. You know how he is, with that charm of his, he's so shallow yet so persuasive. I'm not really a bad person. I just fell in love with the wrong man at the wrong time."

Tarsus: "That's twenty feet of the strongest chain wrapped around you, Autolycus, fastened by two hundred of the best locks in the world."
Autolycus: "Good, I enjoy a challenge."

Gabrielle: "So, where is he?"
Xena: "Somewhere in the castle, someplace chained and manacled with two hundred locks."
Gabrielle: "Two hundred locks?"
Xena: "Yes."
Gabrielle: "No."
Xena: "It's going to take him at least an hour to get out of that."

Gabrielle: "Where is he? Xena, why don't you go look for him?"
Xena: "Look, this wouldn't be ..."
Gabrielle: "His way. Yes, I know. But, this plan will go to Tartarus in a reed basket if he's not here."

Gabrielle: "He got revenge on Tarsus before by stealing from him."
Xena: "Now he plans on finishing the job."
Gabrielle: "Xena, Autolycus isn't a killer, not even to avenge his brother's death."
Xena: "He'd be a good one. Think about it, with his skills of disguise and escape he'd be on of the best."
Gabrielle: "That's if he crosses the line."
Xena: "We're not going to let him."

Tarsus: "Look, Autolycus, I can't bring your brother back, but I can offer you money, lots of money."
Autolycus: "Money, I do love money. How much?"
Tarsus: "Everything I have."
Autolycus: "Not enough, but thanks for trying."

I wouldn't mind seeing this in my window
Xena: "Tarsus may have created to thief, but it was Mallachus who gave the thief his heart. Was it the heart of a killer?"

Autolycus: "Alright, Xena, you've been waiting for this moment since we started ... some good - ole - fashioned - kick - butt - that's - my - warrior - princess action."

Xena: "C'mon ... come play with me."

Undeniably still The King
Autolycus: (to Tarsus) "You stole it? Now how can that be? It's not even here. Unless someone stole it from you, like ... um ... what's his name ... Autolycus, the King of Thieves."

Gabrielle: "That's what makes doing work like this worthwhile."
Autolycus: "Yes, half naked men running through the square."

Autolycus: "Xena?"
Xena: "Autolycus, baby."
Autolycus: "I tried to thank you back there at the castle, but you're not an easy person to thank."
Xena: "I don't need any thanks."

Autolycus: "You are the second best thief I have ever met and if you ever need to get into my body again, you just look me up."

Auto's leaky scuba gear
DISCLAIMER: Upon the completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' scuba gear was placed on display at the Athens' Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to come.

Season 3 Episodes

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