Mack: "But why?"
Alti: "Well, I've spent countless incarnations enjoying the fact that Xena's reputation as a do-gooder was lost for an eternity. After she died, I hid the scrolls. And I thought I could just sit back and enjoy the unchecked evolution of evil on Earth. It's really hit a few high points in the last century. But then, this hideous TV show starts celebrating her as a defender of righteousness. Well, we'll see how long that reputation lasts."
Breaking News …
Sandy Radford: "Reports are flooding in of a reign of terror sweeping through the downtown area. A woman dressed like the television character, Xena, Warrior Princess, has broken into the city jail and freed another woman dressed as Gabrielle, the Warrior Princess' sidekick …"
Lea: "She's plenty more than just a sidekick."
Polly: "Would you give that stuff a rest?"
Sandy Radford: "… witness are shaken."
Bob Eastwick, Corrections Officer: "We got concussions. We got broken bones. We got blood on the floor. Crazy chick. She's got the strangest damn round weapon, kind of like a Frisbee."
Sandy Radford: "The public is warned that this woman is armed and highly dangerous, and should not be approached under any circumstances ..."
Alti: "I couldn't have written it better myself."
Lea: "You cloned an evil Xena to discredit her."
Alti: "Oh, you catch on fast."
Sandy Radford: "… Eyewitnesses describe her leaping from car to car leading to high speed collisions and multiple pile-ups ..."
Alti: "Xena wasn't always an angel in the early days, but she gets 22 episodes of a TV show, and everyone thinks she's a great hero. Well, they'll soon know the real truth."
Sandy Radford: "… Swat teams have been mobilized …"
Alti: "Once she's alienated herself from everything good and decent, she'll follow me, and together we'll rule the world … Let's go."
Polly: [running out the door] … "Why didn't you try to stop her?!"
Mack: "You stop her."
Sandy Radford: "… lawlessness."
Edwin B. Stalter, Animal Enthusiast: "Okay, well, um, I was just like, watching my giraffes and, like, Xena turns up, and it's her, it's f*cking her! There's cops all over the place, you know, and Xena's just like 'Ho-ha!' and then she's like 'Ha!'. She totally f*cking deals with the heat, man. Then she jumps over the fence, lands on the back of this crazy-ass, like, horse, and she's f*cking gone. It was awesome, man. Xena's, like, hot, too, you know."
 |
Gabrielle: [to Xena who is buffing out a new weapon with a power drill] … "What is that?!" |
Xena: "I'm making me some new weapons … [holding up a 9mm] … These things are hopeless in hand-to-hand combat … [accidentally fires the gun] … see what I mean? And these? … [holding up a bent sword] … merely toys."
Gabrielle: "Xena, you could have killed someone at the city dungeon."
Xena: "They had you locked up. What did you want to do, rot there the rest of your life?"
Gabrielle: "You know, we can't just walk--"
Xena: "If they want trouble, they're gonna get it."
[Alti and her reluctant minions drive up to the relatively abandoned junkyard in her red Firebird.]
 |
Alti: "I hear you've been busy, Xena." |
Alti: "Help me, and I'll make you the Destroyer of Nations."Alti: "Remember the thrill of conquest you had, hm? Before she came into your life …"Xena: [having killed all the Amazons] … "Alright, I delivered."
Alti: "You did, indeed." -- Adventures in the Sin TradeAlti: "I am the Destroyer of Nations." -- Past Imperfect
[Xena chases a few Valkyrie through the heavens on her flying horse in The Rhinegold]Gabrielle: "Don't listen to her."
Alti: "Doesn't her little voice remind you of her betrayal? …"
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry, Xena. I couldn't let you do this." -- The Debt
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Alti: "… What her lies did to your son." |
Xena: "Solon? … Solon? … Hey, hey, Solon … Solon."Alti: "… and how much you enjoyed avenging that deed, huh?"
Gabrielle: "Xena? … No ... No … No."
Xena: "Get out."
Gabrielle: "Xena …"
Xena: "Go! … Solon … Solon, please. I'm here, now. Your mama's here now, just like you always wanted." -- Maternal Instincts
Xena: [right after the infamous Gabdrag] …"Vengeance!" -- The Bitter Suite
 |
Xena: "Why did you bring her back?" |
[Xena saves a few kids from imminent death in Past Imperfect and Amphipolis Under Siege.]Xena: "Gabrielle …"
Gabrielle: "… Xena, the good that we did for each other."
Gabrielle: "After all we've been through? I am with you till the end." -- Sacrifice[Enraged, Xena attacks Alti and they begin to duke it out. Alti hops in her Firebird and chases Xena around the junkyard a few times.]Xena: "When I reach down inside myself and do things that I'm not capable of, it's because of you." -- One Against an Army
Xena: "You talk about trying to find your way, but to me, you are my way." -- Family Affair
Xena: "I'm sorry for all the times I didn't treat you right."
Gabrielle: "Xena, you've brought out the best in me. You saved me, Xena." -- Ides of MarchGabrielle: "I'm a part of you. I want it to be like that forever. I love you." -- The Abyss
Xena: "You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You gave my life meaning and joy. You will be a part of me forever." -- Sacrifice
Xena: "For an old bird, you sure move fast."
[Xena finally gets the upper hand and yanks Alti out of the car. Meanwhile, a live electrical wire contacts the car, electrifying it.]
Alti: "Nice move, Xena. You'll make a great sidekick."
Xena: "I'll give you `sidekick'." - [Xena uses her chakram to sever the chain holding up a car which just so happens to be hanging right over Alti]
Alti: [of course, it's hard to kill someone who's not really alive] … "Nice work, Xena. Haven't lost your touch."
Polly: [seeing her idol get a bit of a bruising] …"Runt!"
Gabrielle: "Wait! No!"
Polly: "Now you'll have to deal with me." … [which takes about three seconds]
[Xena and Alti fight it out a little more. Xena gets the upper hand and tosses Alti onto the electrified car. She is promptly bar-b-qued. A spark ignites some fuel, which trails from the barrels where Gabrielle and the Xenites are hanging out.]
Xena: "Run! Come on! Let's go! Now!"
[Xena and Gabrielle help the others up to safety, but don't have enough time to climb up themselves. The place explodes. From their vantage point, the Xenites can see no trace of their heroes.]
Polly: "There was nothing left of them."
Lea: "I guess clones just break up easy."
Mack: "Well, maybe it was for the best. I mean, we were messing with nature."
Lea: "Are you kidding? We had the greatest heroes in history here, and now they're gone."
Polly: "You know, to be honest, I was a bit disappointed anyway. I mean, they just seemed to be so much more dynamic on TV."
Lea: "On TV, yeah."
Polly: "Yeah."
 |
[A taxi passes by them with two women in the back seat who bear an awfully big resemblence to our dynamic duo.] |
Mack: "Hey, do you guys think they're gonna believe us at the conventions?"
Lea: "Are you kidding?"
Polly: "Not a chance."
Mack: "Hey, we could do someone else. You know, I've got some of Dr. Spock's toenails at home from when I was a Trekkie?"
Lea: "You were a Trekkie?"
Mack: "Yeah."
Lea: "You really are a nerd."
Mack: "Hey, I'm not proud of it, okay?"
DISCLAIMER: No Xena fans were harmed during the making of this motion picture.
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