In Sickness and In Hell

Xena and Gabrielle battle their toughest opponents yet: lice, foot rot, a stomach virus, a rabid bunny, a stubborn horse and a couple of ugly dudes. It's the ancient world meets Monty Python. Remarkably, Joxer saves the day. A town rejoices. And, Xena gets her pony back.

Gabrielle: "Xena...wake up..."
Xena: "Hmm, what is it?"
Gabrielle: "Foot rot!"

Gabrielle: "Why can't you just leave your horse in a barn like a normal person?"
Xena: "Argo doesn't like being cooped up. Besides, this valley's her home. It has plenty of space to run, lots of grass to eat."
Gabrielle: "Plenty of bugs, lots of infestations..."
Xena: "Hey! I didn't stop looking for you and the same goes for Argo."

Hold still!
Gabrielle: "What was that?"
Xena: "What?"
Gabrielle: "Something just popped out of your bedroll...hold still."
Xena: "What is it ... a bald spot?"
Gabrielle: "No ... it's lice."
Xena: "I have not got lice. You think I wouldn't know if I had lice? Lice...I don't think so."

Gabrielle: "Maybe if we put your bedroll in the river ..."
Xena: "This way."
Gabrielle: "Let it soak, then slap against a rock or two. That would probably get rid of the little buggers."
Xena: "This is Argo's trail, I'm sure of it."
Gabrielle: "Then again, it could be too late. There might be a family of badgers living in there by now."
Xena: "Give it a rest, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "No, not until you clean up your act, Xena."
Xena: "Hey, I'm not the one with the fungus among us."
Gabrielle: "Oh, yeah, that's poetic. Did one of your bug friends whisper that in your ear?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, you want a piece of me, huh? Fine ... I'll give you a piece of me."

Joxer: "I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too easy to follow. Any idiot could find you."
Xena: "Evidently."

Gabrielle: "So, let me guess, you want our help?"
Joxer: "No, no, I've got things completely under control."
Xena: "When do you want us to start?"
Joxer: "How's ‘now' sound?"

Joxer: "Okay, then it's settled. We're a team, Joxer the Mighty and his mighty band of mighty men ... girls .. .um ... Joxer the Mighty and his fighting, mighty women fighters."

Xena: "That's strange, Argo seems to be deliberately avoiding me. Something's wrong."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, you're telling me. Xena, it's red, it's green, it's on the move."
Xena: "Something's bothering Argo."
Gabrielle: "Hey! Hey, human suffering here. Xena, my fungus is spreading like wildfire."

Gabrielle: "I'll catch the rabbit."
Xena: "What? You're gonna catch the rabbit?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, after all these years of watching you slaughter nature's creatures, I think I can do this. Look, I don't want you near the food. A lice infested rabbit is not on my diet."
Xena: "I do not have lice. It's dandruff, a minor scalp irritation, that's all."
Gabrielle: "Whatever. I'll catch the rabbit."
Xena: "Well, go ahead. It's no skin off my back."
Gabrielle: "Har-de-har-har."

Joxer: "Hey, wait a minute. Those villagers hired me, and only Joxer the Mighty is going to stop the Scythians."
Xena: "Joxer, I once new a warrior who tried to stop them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens and Carthage."
Joxer: "What do you mean?"
Xena: "They buried him in Sparta ... Athens ... and Carthage ... think about it, Joxer."

Xena: "Joxer, have you noticed anything about my hair?"
Joxer: "Oh ... uh ... it looks lovely."
Xena: "No, Gabrielle, she had this crazy idea about bugs or something."
Joxer: "Oh, your lice. Yeah, I can see them from here."
Xena: "I don't have lice."
Joxer: "Hey, listen, I just thought you liked looking filthy. It made you look tougher or something."
Xena: "I'm not filthy."
Joxer: "Hey, I'm not the one who has lice."
Xena: "I don't have lice!"

Joxer: "Someone let the widdle wabbit get away."
Gabrielle: "Joxer, you're lucky it was me back there. That little bunny would have ripped your head off. I'm serious. That was one tough rabbit."

Xena: "That's not my chakram that you're scratching your fungus on, is it?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, yeah, it's your chakram."
Xena: "Gabrielle ..."
Gabrielle: "Look, my finger nails are worn to the nubs. I need to scratch."
Xena: "No, you shouldn't be scratching, it will only make things worse."
Gabrielle: "I'm not going to give it to you."

Go ahead, make my day
Xena: "Don't make me hurt you, Scabrielle."
Gabrielle: "Alright, Eczema, what are you going to do, huh? You going to use your pressure points? Go on. Go ahead. Go for it. You can't touch me. C'mon. C'mon, you're really tough now Warrior Princess."

Gabrielle: "Alright, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap your head off. It's my fungus talking. Joxer, come on, you know how I feel about you."
Joxer: "How do you feel about me?"
Gabrielle: "Well, you know, I value your ..."
Joxer: "My what? What? What did you say?"
Gabrielle: "Um ... I don't think this is a really good time right now."
Joxer: "Oh, sure it is, Gabrielle. Go on, spit it out."
Gabrielle: (Ghack!)

Gabrielle: "Oh, Argo, Argo, Argo. Somebody walked by with an apple and she followed him home."
Xena: "Hah!"
Gabrielle: "That's what horses do."

Xena: "I don't ask for much. I just want my pony back. Where's Gabrielle?"
Joxer: "Nature called."
Gabrielle: "No, it screamed like a wild banshee."

Gabrielle: "What did you put in my breakfast?"
Joxer: "Just radishes and water. Why?"
Gabrielle: "My stomach feels like Monday morning in Tartarus."
Joxer: "You know, I just think your feeling a little puffy, bloated and irritable today."

Every entrance should leave a great impression
Joxer: "I've recruited two great warriors for you. Meet Xena, the Warrior Princess, and her sidekick, Gabrielle!"

Joxer: "Listen, would you guys stop scratching and picking for one minute. Everyone's getting nervous. Would you go out there and flex a little warrior muscle and maybe kill...something."

Xena: "I need a volunteer ... I pick you."
Villager: "Hmm?"
Xena: "Yeah, don't be shy. Your mother wasn't"

Joxer: "Good news! I've spoken with the villagers and they've decided not to stone you ... decided not to stone me."

Gabrielle: "She (Argo) doesn't like me, does she? What is it? Is it my personality, my hair color ... the fact I talk about her like she's a real person."

Xena: "You know, we have to watch out for that inn keeper."
Gabrielle: "Why? What does he have ...what ... what ... ringworm?"
Xena: "No, he's in with the Scythians."

Xena: "What are you drinking?"
Gabrielle: "Linseed root. You said it was good for my skin."
Xena: "On your skin. You're not supposed to drink it."

Gabrielle, wait, don't drink that ... nevermind
Gabrielle: "Oh, so, I mean, what could happen?"
Xena: "You mouth could go numb."
Gabrielle: "I cant eel my tung. Ena, cant eel my tung."
Xena: "The numbness should go away in a few days."
Gabrielle: "Whut? Sun-uf-a-nitch!"

Escarius: "You don't know my brother. He's not going to let me rot in this jail cell."
Xena: "Don't tell us about rot."

Xena: "I can't believe that Argo would let someone else ride her. What we had was such a beautiful thing. I ruined it."

Xena: "Joxer, you're the secret weapon."
Joxer: "Me?"
Xena: "You're going to neutralize the army while I get my horse back."

Gabrielle: "I don't know if my lice has fungus, or my fungus has lice."

Joxer: "You know, I'm a graduate from the Royal Athens Academy of Cooking. I cooked for the King ... before he died."

Xena: "Nobody touches my horse."

Xena: (to Argo) "How did Ascius win you over? What? Apples? You left me for apples? Thanks, pal."

Xena: "If you think about it, Joxer brought down the entire Scythian army without spilling a drop of blood."
Joxer: "True."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, you have talent ... it's contagious."

Joxer: "Joxer the Mighty, never gets a fever, he's eager as a beaver, he's Joxer, Joxer the ... ohhh ...."

Xena and her many friends
Xena: "This week's been kind of tough on everyone, I guess. But, you know, I'm always there for you, and you're always there for me. We're ..."
Gabrielle: (Snore)
Xena: "Friends. Ooh, I got all the friends I need."

DISCLAIMER: "No Leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during the production of this motion picture.

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