If the Shoe Fits

Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer, and Aphrodite team up to help a runaway princess. Gabrielle gets a new look. Xena gets on Gabrielle's last nerve. Joxer invents Disco. Aphrodite gets a lesson on love. And, everyone lives Happily Ever After.

Xena: "Gabrielle ... Gabrielle ... The one morning I ask you to wake me up ... just when I get Zantar right where I want him I go and oversleep. Well, thank you very much! Rope ... rope ..."

Worm your way out of this one, Warrior Princess
Xena: "Gabrielle, what's going on?"
Gabrielle: "I woke up ... I took a bath ... I know I put my shirt on that tree ... it's just gone. Well, It doesn't make any sense ... unless an animal took it ... you know, a fashion sensible beaver, or ... or ... oh, you didn't."

Xena: "Gabrielle, I was in a hurry. We ran out of rope."
Gabrielle: "You stole my favorite shirt? It's the only shirt that goes with this skirt, Xena. You used it to tie up that ... that smelly warlord. That's your excuse? You ran out of rope?"
Xena: "The good news is you found something else to wear."
Gabrielle: "It's a sack."

Xena: "How come you let Joxer sleep in so late?"
Gabrielle: "I was topless."

Joxer: "Good morning! Hi, Gabrielle. New outfit? Looks good."

Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, brown is not my color."
Xena: "Look, I like it. It has that rustic appeal."

Aprhodite: "Now look what you've done, you monster. I told you never to play with the bottle labeled ‘Passion.' It's totally explosive stuff."

Alesia: "Xena!"
Xena: "Alesia?"
Alesia: "Please, you have to save me from my evil Fairy God's Mother."
Xena: "Your evil Fairy God's Mother? Who's that?"
Alesia: "Her (Aphrodite)"

Do these features look evil?
Xena: "Let's hear it, Aphrodite. What's all this about?"
Aprhodite: "The little rugrat wandered in here yesterday and said something about her dad and her wicked step-mom. So, you know me, I was just trying to help. Then she became, like, totally Bizarro. And now, she's calling me ..."
Alesia: " ... my evil Fairy God's Mother."
Aprhodite: "That's it! As if, dear child. Do these features look evil?"

Xena: "Alesia, how did you get here? Did you run away from home?"
Alesia: "Uh huh. Daddy got married. I don't like my step-mother so I came to find my Fairy God's Mother."
Xena: "Well, I think your father would be very worried. Maybe we can take you home. I'm sure we can work this out."
Alesia: "Then you'll be my Fairy God's Mother?"
Xena: "Just for a little while."

King Melos: "Darling, she means everything in the world to me."
Queen Mistria: "Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. It's not you she hates ... it's me."

Xena: "I better go and scout ahead."
Gabrielle: "I'll do it."
Xena: "Alesia, why'd you run away?"
Alesia: "I hate my new step-mother. I want to get rid of her so things can be the way they used to be."
Xena: "Oh."
Alesia: "I thought Aphrodite could help, but she couldn't."
Xena: "Well, maybe I can help."
Alesia: "Really? Okay, don't hurt her too bad."
Xena: "That's not what I had in mind."

Xena: "Listen, I was in your shoes too once. I had a step-father and I never got to know him. Now, I think that was a terrible mistake ... (Gabrielle does a swan dive out of a tree) ... Gabrielle, are you alright?"
Gabrielle: "Fine. What's this about a step-father? You never told me that."
Xena: "Yes I did, didn't I?"
Gabrielle: "No."
Xena: "Well, it's not important. I'm trying to help Alesia."
Gabrielle: "What, and I'm not? Xena, who just climbed that tree looking for Zantar's men?"
Xena: "So what did you see?"
Gabrielle: "They're right behind us."

Xena: "Alesia, I'll be back. Stay here with Gabrielle. She's gonna tell you a story."
Gabrielle: "I will?"
Xena: "Yes, you will. You're good at them."

Hmm, gotta keep it clean ...
Alesia: "I hope it has a happy ending."
Gabrielle: "A happy ending, huh? Alright ..."

Featuring: Gabrielle as the lovely Tyrella
Xena as the evil Step-Mother, Sidero
Aphrodite as the wicked Step-Sister, Pelia

Once when ... once upon a time, there was a sweet, very young girl named ... Tyrella. She was happy even though she lived with her wicked step-mother, the meanest, crankiest, most horrid woman alive.

Step-Sister: "Mommy, look what my stupid step-sister did! She ruined my Calvinius Kleinius."
Both: "Tyrella !!!!"
Tyrella: "Yes, dear Step-Mother?"
Step-Mother: "There's a crease in Pelia's dress. Aren't you forgetting something?"
Tyrella: "I swept the floor, washed the dishes, cleaned the attic, dug up a new well, I've been terribly busy."
Step-Mother: "Well, get over it. You've neglected your most important duty."
Tyrella: "What could that possibly be?
Step-Mother: "My clipping."

Joxer: "Aaaauuuugggghhhhh!!!!!"
Gabrielle: "Joxer ... (smack) !"
Joxer: "But, that foot. What are you trying to do, scare the kid? ... What is it, honey?"
Alesia: "It's only a story, Joxer."

Aprhodite: "My little pookey's slipper ... Admit it, you miss the little monster ... As if, what's there to miss? The noise? The crying? The Fairy God's Mother rap? But, she did have potential ... ‘Fes up, girlfriend. You're suffering from empty nest syndrome. Your little boy, Cupid, is all grown up and now you're lonely ... She was kinda cute, wasn't she? ... No duh, you're problem is you didn't play the ‘mommy' gig long enough, you know ... You mean like stories and cuddles and that kinda stuff? I could do that. Do you think I could do that? ... Totally. She could be your personal mascot, the Demi-Goddess of Puppy Love ... Tubular! I am such a visionary."

Gabrielle: "Tyrella's step-mother reached out with her long, grotesque ..."
Alesia: "Wait. I know what happens next. Tyrella takes the clippers and stabs her evil step-mother over and over and over and over again."
Gabrielle: "Uh, no. No, Tyrella deals with her problems in a more positive way ..."


Step-Sister: "Mommy, my stupid step-sister's ruined everything."
Both: "Tyrella !!!"
Tyrella: "Yes, Step-Mother dear?"
Step-Mother: "Can't you do anything right?"
Tyrella: "There is nothing wrong with the dress. Your anger is misplaced. It's a convenient way for you to avoid your deeper emotions. The same way that your mistreatment of me and my belongings is your way to avoid intimacy. You both need to get in touch with your inner child."
Step-Mother: (to Step-Sister) "You getting any of this?"

Aprhodite: "What a riot!"
Gabrielle: "And I suppose you could do better?"
Aprhodite: "Puh-lease. You didn't know your Auntie Aphrodite could tell stories, did ya? Well, I make them sizzle. Okay, here's what really happened ..."

Featuring: Aphrodite as the hip Step-Mother, Sidero
Xena as the lovely vixen Step-Sister, Pelia
Gabrielle as the dowdy, toothless Tyrella
Joxer as the Prince's messenger

Step-Mother: "If you can't take the heat, boys, get out of my kitchen ... Pelia, where are you, my vixen?"
Step-Sister: "I'm here, Mother. I'm as dry as a lizard. Where's the Hagster to bring us some beverages?"
Step-Mother: "Good question."
Both: "Tyrella !!!"
Step-Mother: "Love the outfit, Tyrella ... NOT!"

Messenger: "Well, hello you cu-cu-crazy chicks. I have a message from that Royal Hipster, The Prince."
Step-Mother: "Ooh, The Prince, I knew I smelled money."
Step-Sister: "The Prince, I knew he couldn't stay away from me forever."
Messenger: "The prince wishes to invite all good looking chics to his Royal Ball tonight. From those, he's going to pick a bride."
Tyrella: "A Royal Party. I'm so excited."
Messenger: "Ooh, that chic is square, baby."
Step-Sister: "Looser."
Step-Mother: "Exsqueeze me, what are you so psyched about? Honey, The prince is looking for a babe not a heifer ... show him, Pelia."
Step-Sister: "Right, ma ..."

Xena: "Stop right there."
Zantar: "Hey, it was just getting good."
Xena: "Don't say another word ... Aphrodite, I thought you were out of this?"
Aprhodite: "I am. I'm done."

Xena: "Still mad at me? Tell you what, I'll cook, you go on with your story."
Alesia: "Gabrielle, who were those men at Tyrella's house?"
Gabrielle: "They ... they were swimming instructors."
Alesia: "Oh. Did Tyrella ever go to the party?"
Gabrielle: "Well, she really wanted to go to the party ..."
Xena: "... Gabrielle, where's the frying pan?"
Gabrielle: "It's in my pack where it always is ... See, Tyrella didn't have anything really pretty to wear ..."
Xena: "... what about the spoons?"
Gabrielle: "It's in the saddlebags ... Tyrella was hoping for a miracle ..."
Xena: "... we got any butter and sugar?"
Gabrielle: "Xena, I'll do it. Joxer, you want to eat, you work for it. You pick up the story telling ... Xena, give me the pan before you hurt someone with it."

Aprhodite: "Hey! Tall, dark and gruesomes."
Zantar's Brother: "Who are you?"
Aprhodite: "Aphrodite, Goddess of Love. I've got a proposition for you ... not that kind of proposition. You guys want your brother back, right? I can help you if you do me a favor."
Zantar's Brother: "What kind of favor?"
Aprhodite: "Xena's got my little girl. You help me get her back, I'll help you get Zantar. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours ... stop it. You know what I mean."

The buck gets passed to Joxer
Joxer: "It was the night of the big party and he was very ..."
Alesia: "... ‘he'? Don't you mean ‘she'?"
Joxer: "How old are you?"
Alesia: "Seven."
Joxer: "You wanna be eight? It was ‘he'."

Featuring: Joxer as the handsome Tyro
Zantar as the evil Step-Father, Sidero
Zantar's brother as the wicked Step-Brother, Pelio
Xena as Harmonia, Tyro's Fairy God's Mother
Gabrielle as the lovely Princess

He was very excited, and his name was ...

Both: "Tyro !!!"
Tyro: "Hello, Step-Father dear, Step-Brother dear."
Step-Father: "Tyro the Clumsy strikes again."
Tyro: "It was an accident."
Step-Brother: "What's with the outfit?"
Tyro: "Oh, ya like it? I was sewing it all day for the Royal ball tonight."
Step-Father: "Well, if that's the case, those pants need adjusting, right Pelio?"
Tyro: "Oh, ya think? I thought they might be a little long in the ... crotch!"
Step-Father: "What do you say to your step-brother?"
Tyro: (an octave or 2 higher) "Thanks, Step-Brother dear."
Step-Father: "Don't be an idiot, Idiot. You can't wear that. You've got no way to get there, no social skills to speak of. In short, you're not going."

Xena: "Maybe we shouldn't let Joxer tell the story."
Gabrielle: "Yes, we should ... Where's the oil?"
Xena: "In the saddlebags ... It's just he's making him sound like such a victim."

Ah yes, a woman of action
Gabrielle: "Oh, I didn't hear you volunteer."
Xena: "No. Well, I'm not much of a story teller, I'm ... uh ... I'm more a woman of action."
Gabrielle: "Take action and get some water."


Harmonia: "Tyro, the Mighty?"
Tyro: "Kick a man when he's down."
Harmonia: "I'm here to help. Of course, if you're not interested in going to the party then I could ..."
Tyro: "... No, I'd love to go. Wait a minute, who are you?"
Harmonia: "Harmonia, Fairy God's Mother at your service. We're going to need a new outfit and a ride and ... what else?"
Tyro: "Well ... um ... social skills."
Harmonia: "Trust me, you'll have many skills."

Where do I sign up for my Fairy God's Mother ?
Harmonia: "My spell only lasts until sun-up. In other words, when the sand runs out, so must you."

Xena: "I saw Zantar's men down across the river. I'm going to go down there and take care of them."
Gabrielle: "What do you want from me? My skirt? My boots? My underwear? Heh-heh."
Xena: "No, that would be too cruel."

Alesia: "What happens next, Joxer?"
Joxer: "Well, the Royal Party was in full swing ..."

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