The Xena Scrolls

The time is 1942. The setting is in Macedonia. Two archeologists (who bear amazing resemblances to two adventurers from ancient Greece) search for the lost Xena Scrolls. Enter one bumbling Frenchman, and you have Indiana Jones and the Lost Scrolls.

Janice: "Now that's no way to treat a lady. Run along now, boys. I don't have time to play."

Janice: "They think this tomb is haunted. Of course, murder's not real good for morale either."

Janice Covington and Mel Pappas
Mel: "What's in that tomb that would drive a man to murder?"
Janice: "The most important find of the century, something that will revolutionize the way we look at the ancient world. It has the power to turn myth into history and history into myth ... the Xena Scrolls."

Jacques S'er: (to goons) "We French make love, not war. But, in your case I shall make an exception."

Mel: "‘All ye who enter, beware the rock of the God of War'"
Janice: "Legend has it that Xena and Ares were bound by some deep bond."

Smythe: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Jacques S'er: "What did I tell you? This place is cursed."
Janice: "There are no curses. This is obviously a case of dormant embers being hit by oxygen resulting in spontaneous combustion."
Jacques S'er: "What? Embers don't lie dormant for thousands of years. It's obviously some sort of curse. What are we going to do? I know, we'll stand with our rear ends facing each other ... no ... curses don't know fronts from rears ... we could counter curse it. You must know some kind of curse. My grandmother, she was a witch and ... boil, boil ... no ... there is not enough Oxygen ... I'm beginning to panic ..."
Janice: (smack) "Get a grip, man."

The Irrepressible Lord of Leather
Ares: (to Smythe and his goons) "Go ahead ... take your best shot."

Smythe: "Who are you?"
Ares: "The last sight you'll ever see."

Ares: (to Jacques S'er) "I see you kept your family's reputation for undiluted idiocy in tact."

Janice: "What do you want from us?"
Ares: "A simple favor. It's written that only a descendant of Xena can release me back into the world. I want out."

Ares: "Oh, you're related to someone in the scrolls, but it's not Xena."
Janice: "Who?"
Ares: "I'll give you a hint ... think irritating blond."

Wow!  She's baaaack
Ares: "If the world thinks it knows death and destruction ... wait ‘till they get a load of me."
Xena: "Think again, Ares."
Ares: "It's been too long."
Xena: "Not long enough."

Ares: "I'm in your blood. You know you can't fight me."
Xena: "Ares, the answer is no."
Ares: "Why don't you just give me what I've wanted for centuries?"
Xena: (whomp!) "Enjoy."

Xena: "You alright?"
Janice: "Yeah."
Xena: "Good."
Janice: "You are Xena."
Xena: "Yeah."
Janice: "Mel is your descendant. How could I think it was me? My father is a thief. My mother ran out on us. And, I'm related to the useless, tag-along Gabrielle."
Xena: "Now you listen to me. Gabrielle was never useless. She cared for others more than herself. She was the finest friend anyone could ever have had."
Janice: "You make her sound important."
Xena: "She is to me. Be proud you're a part of her family. I am."

Jacques S'er: "You Jane's just gonna leave me in there?"
Xena: "No, that'd be awful. People are trying to rest in there."

Xena: "There's no room for you in this world anymore, Ares."
Ares: "Oh, you're wrong. The world has become a glorious place. The weapons more lethal. The people more hateful. And, there's a new leader with a new vision, lot of potential, his name's Hitler."

Ares: "You could have had it all, but now I'm mad."

Hollywood 1992

Jack: "These are the scrolls, man."
Rob Tapert: "Scrolls? What scrolls?"
Jack: "The Xena Scrolls. It's about this guy, Joxer. These were in my grandfather's attic and he had them translated, dude. I mean listen, we don't have to make this thing like big budget. You know, we can shoot in a third world country using the locals."
Rob Tapert: "This is pretty interesting stuff. Tell me more about this Xena."

And so, the myth was born

She was Xena, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle..."

DISCLAIMER: No Hollywood Producers were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

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