The Royal Couple of Thieves

The King of Thieves and The Warrior Princess combine forces to steal back the ultimate weapon (which just so happens to be the fabled Ark of the Covenant). If Xena ever has to give up being a warrior, she can always become an exotic dancer. And, Gabrielle is held at finger-point (I guess the writers felt that she deserved a brief break from sharp, pointy objects).

Autolycus: "I know what you want, but I'm afraid a broken heart is all I can give you at the moment."
Xena: "We need to talk."
Autolycus: "Talk is cheap, and I have an expensive ear."

Autolycus: "I applaud your attempt, but it's not quite that easy to catch ... the King of Thieves ... oof! ... not easy to catch, but not impossible."

Xena: "Will you help?"
Autolycus: "No, not because I wouldn't want to do your bidding, that's another subject."

Gabrielle: "A really good thief would jump at the chance to steal from Malthus."
Xena: "Well, only if he deserved the reputation of the greatest thief that ever lived."
Gabrielle: "I thought Hercules said it was this guy?"
Xena: "Apparently he was wrong. I heard that Malaceous of Amphesus is good and available."
Autolycus: "Ha ha ha, you're trying to use my ego against me."
Gabrielle: "I didn't think it would work."
Autolycus: "No, it worked. I'll do it."

Gabrielle: "Is money the only thing in your life?"
Autolycus: "I believe it is."

Autolycus: "So tell me about this ... uh ... Sinteres."
Gabrielle: "Well, I've only heard a few stories. He's known as the Warrior Philosopher. Everything he says sounds philosophical ... and he always chews on toothpicks."
Autolycus: "Hm, toothpicks ..."
Gabrielle: "And he's deadly. He once killed a man with a rose petal."

Any less, and there wouldn't be ... what's wrong with that?
Autolycus: "Ah, Xena ... heh heh heh ... I think I found your disguise. The assistant of Sinteres would wear no less."
Gabrielle: "Any less, and there wouldn't be."
Xena: "Stick to the philosophy and not the fantasy."

Autolycus: "A challenge without humor ... brings mirth without blood."

Autolycus: "Allow me to introduce my assist ... um ... concubine, Cherish. She's just a little nervous, you see, because she's never been on a ship before. So, I bought her some new clothes. Why don't you go below and step into this. You'll feel much better."

Autolycus: "Of course, the trick to killing someone with an apricot is really in the wrist. The drawback is that it kills instantly so there's no time to gather information. So for situations like that, well, I use a muffin."

Autolycus shows excellent taste in ... um ... evening wear
Autolycus: "Well, very nice ... like to gentle dew of the morning breath clinging lightly to your heaving ..."
Xena: "What do you think you're doing?"
Autolycus: "Oh come on, do you really think those people over their would believe that a guy like Sinteres would have someone like you without having someone like you?"

Autolycus: "Well, that worked up and appetite. And hunger is the gods' way of saying ... eat."

Belart: "Where's your woman, did she drown?"
Autolycus: "No, she didn't drown. She should be here momentarily. She's newly conquered territory. You know how it is."
Belart: "Virgin ground."
Autolycus: "Yes, you see, a woman's chastity is like a new hat, a beautiful thing that's ... going to kill me."

You left something hanging on the line
Autolycus: "What took you so long, my dear, finishing up my laundry?"
Xena: "Yes, you left something hanging on the line."

Xena: "Magmar told me that his former boss has a big ego ... almost as big as yours."
Autolycus: "Nothing is as big as mine."

The scintilating Dance of the Three Veils
Xena: "I got you here, now what?"
Autolycus: "Now, I need a distraction for my work. Erhem! Lord Malthus, your hospitality is graciously accepted, but please accept a gift of my own for the entertainment of all ... my very own Cherish and her dance of the three veils. (To Xena) Keep them interested and make me proud."
Xena: "You've got two veils."

Autolycus: "Multi-million dinar castle and no closets."

Arkel: "What are you doing here?"
Xena: "I'm here because ... a man was killed in this very room, and the thought of it makes my blood boil."

Sinteres: "Death to those who dare resist. Any more pressure and she's (Gabrielle) dead. I am Sinteres ... the real Sinteres."

Sinteres: "Death has a thousand doors to let out life, and, Prognese, I saved one just for you."

Xena: "How's your head?"
Gabrielle: "Have you ever had a headache so painful you wish you were dead? Well, I wish I had one of those right now."
Xena: "Come here. Put your head down."
Gabrielle: "Owww. Now I wish I was dead."

Autolycus: "Is your life always like this?"
Xena: "Pretty much."
Autolycus: "Sheesh!"

Xena: "Hercules isn't as blind as you think. But neither one of us wants to fool ourselves."
Autolycus: "And then there are those of us who live to fool ourselves."

Autolycus: "Should I concentrate on anyone in particular, or do we hate them all?"
Xena: "Every last one."

A fond farewell from the King of Thieves
Autolycus: "‘Thou shalt not covet. Thou shalt not steal?' Who could live by those laws?"

Autolycus: "I've never had a partner in crime before, and after this ... I never will."

DISCLAIMER: No ancient and inflexible rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

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