The Play's The Thing

Gabrielle falls prey to her ego again when she gets conned into producing one of her scrolls into a play. Minya makes an interesting discovery about herself. Joxer gets hung out to dry. And, after all that talk of Love and Peace, Xena finally gets to bash in some skulls.

Oh, Great Goddess of Sub-text, hear our prayers
Gabrielle: "It's no use, I can't get it out of my mind ... even with yoga."
Xena: "Well, you can't say that you didn't try ... and you can't say that I didn't try."

Gabrielle: "Xena, it was one of my favorite scrolls, a new one charting our history through the prism of time, a ..."
Xena: "... more intimate examination of our relationship and on and on ..."

Gabrielle: "I can't recreate the beauty, the essence."
Xena: "Then, Gabrielle, go back for it."

Gabrielle: "Are you sure?"
Xena: "Sure I'm sure. Go on, make us both happy."
Gabrielle: "Thank you."
Xena: "Don't mention it."
Gabrielle: "Okay."
Xena: "Well, when I say ‘don't mention it,' I mean ... you can mention it ... it's just a figure of speech, you don't have to take it so literally ... wouldn't kill you to look back or something ... alright, Argo, it's just you and me."

Waiter: "Lousy drunk!"
Joxer: "I'm not drunk, I just trip over things like that."

Joxer: "Gabrielle, wow! Your hair ... did that hurt? ... what's that you're wearing?"
Gabrielle: "Sorry."
Joxer: "Don't apologize, it looks good."

Gabrielle: "Joxer, I'm looking for something. It's very important. It's close to my heart and I know it's here somewhere."
Joxer: "Oh, you mean like a feeling? Do you get it often ... like now, for example?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, because I know the scroll is around here somewhere."

Gabrielle: "Pireus is the Great Appian Way, you know. I could spend a week going to all these plays."
Joxer: "Yeah, I love the theater myself ... Euripliclese and Sophamore."
Gabrielle: "Euripidese and Sophocles."
Joxer: "Those guys, too."

Gabrielle: "Joxer, I really have to find my ..."
Zhera: "Masterpiece!"

Enter the Queen of Cons and her trusy sidekick, Milo
Gabrielle: "My scroll! This is it! Thank you, thank you. Where did you find it?"
Zhera: "I was sitting in the little girl's house and there it was, right beside me."

Zhera: "I am Zhera, a producer ... of plays."

Zhera: "I must say, in that stall I saw Greatness. Your scroll ... I was swept away by the majesty of your words, the brilliance, the soul changing dynamics of your vision. This work must be seen on the stage ... and I ... I would be so humbled if you would allow me to produce it."

Xena needs to install a cooty meter in Gabrielle
Gabrielle: "If I were to rewrite it for the stage, I could show people all the lessons I learned in India, about peace and happiness ... I'll do it."

Milo: "Zhera, baby, what scam are you up to now? Usually I can smell the money, but I'm not sure what I'm smelling here."
Zhera: "What if I told you we found the Golden Fleece and her name is Gabrielle?"
Milo: "You bad girl. What are you up to? If the village witnesses this garbage they'll throw your playwright right out of town."
Zhera: "Oh, Dear Heart, if she's lucky ... the people I'm thinking about are liable to kill her."

Joxer: "Wow! This place is great, even the warlords love the theater."

Let the auditions begin
Gabrielle: "I didn't realize casting Gabrielle would be so difficult. There's just ... a subtlety to character ... Zhera ... Zhera!?"
Zhera: (removing her earplugs) "Sorry , my dear. Your beautiful prose already rings in my head."

Gabrielle: "You ... you look like Xena. Can you act?"
Paulina: "Erhem ... 'You are right, Gabrielle, how could I have been so blind?' "
Gabrielle: "Alright, now try it like Xena would."
Paulina: (performs a couple of flying back flips) " 'You are right, Gabrielle, how could I have been so blind?' "
Gabrielle: "She'll do."

Gabrielle: "Minya, what are you doing here?"

Minya: "Auditioning. Now my dream of becoming Xena can finally come true."
Gabrielle: "I'm sorry, Minya, but the part's been cast."
Minya: "What? This bag of bones? She couldn't shoe a mule, let alone bust heads."
Paulina: "I can to shoe a mule ... Shoo!"

Gabrielle: "Minya, how about playing a villain? They usually have the best roles. I can write something for you."
Minya: "Well, I could still use my Xena Dark Side, couldn't I?"

Gabrielle: "Oh, my gods ... a centaur."
Dustinus: "I understand you are putting on a play. My name is Dustinus Hoofmanus. I wish to audition."
Gabrielle: "Centaurs don't do plays. There isn't a centaur in the entire Appian Way. Incredible."
Dustinus: "Yes, I am."

Dustinus: "Oh, by the way, I do not play quadrupeds. Make sure the role reflects that."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Dustinus: "I do not play four-legged creatures."
Gabrielle: "But, you're a centaur."
Dustinus: "I am an Actor. I refuse to limit myself."

Gabrielle: "A brand new Sophocles play? It's opening opposite mine."
Joxer: "Yeah, everyone was talking about it. Great art, huh?"
Gabrielle: "Sophocles is the master of prose, of feeling, of plumbing the emotional depths of human existence."
Joxer: "Writes good, too."

Gabrielle: "That's it! Who cares who sees my play as long as the right people see it. This warlord, he wants to hear my message of peace. That's who my play speaks to. Fantastic! It's the artist's dream."

Kaelus: "Arts, Schmarts, all I care about is getting my money so I can buy those weapons my army needs."

Milo: "My Little Bowl of Vipers, let me get this right, you sold 75% of the profits to Kaelus the Conqueror, right?"
Zhera: "Yes, Dearest."
Milo: "But, you also sold 75% to the warlord Therax the Terrible. Doesn't quite add up. If the play is a success ..."
Zhera: "... if it was a success, they would both want their money, 75% each ... but you've read that play. It can't possibly succeed, and if it's a failure ..."
Milo: "... they won't even try to collect. We keep the investments."
Zhera: "Ooh, they'll try to collect, alright ... but it won't be from us."

Gabrielle: (to Joxer) "You?! The producer of my play? Not in this world ... not in this life ... not on this stage!"
Zhera: "Gabrielle, please. Producers have no weight in this community. The stage is for artists. We are merely functionaries."
Gabrielle: "Does this require him to spend time outside the theater?"
Zhera: "Almost exclusively."
Gabrielle: "Okay."

Okay, no redeeming value to this image, just a nice 'ab' shot
Gabrielle: "Joxer, selling a show takes more than just hanging posters. You really need to get inside the minds of the people and find out what they want."
Joxer: "Hey, I'm a people. I know what I want. I know what I like."
Gabrielle: "It doesn't matter anyway. I know who my audience is."
Joxer: "Well, that's great, it's perfect. You're the creative side and I'm the business guy."

Gabrielle: "What are you doing?!"
Joxer: "This is the worst field I've ever seen."
Gabrielle: "Because it's an ocean!"

A motley group
Gabrielle: "I want you all to know that this is a collaboration ..."
Joxer: "... that's right ..."
Gabrielle: "... the success or failure of this show rides on all of us, not one of us."

Minya: "Well, I'm not going to take the blame if she turns out to be a lousy Xena."
Paulina: "Ow! It wouldn't be my fault, it'd be the Gabrielle, she's got all the lines. Hey, who did get that part?"
Gabrielle: "Finding the right Gabrielle proved to be more difficult than I expected ..."
Joxer: "... very difficult ..."
Gabrielle: "... I realized that only one person can fully capture the spiritual essence of Gabrielle, someone who actually lived that Truth ..."
Joxer: "... lived the Truth ..."
Gabrielle: "... so I cast myself."
Joxer: "... so she ... huh?"
Minya: "Couldn't see that one coming, could we?"

Gabrielle: "‘So remember, Xena, Faith is not a jump in the night, but a walk in the Light.' "
Paulina: "‘Look, it's King Whatsis approaching on his ...' "
Minya: "... horse ..."
Polina: "... ‘horse.' "
Dustinus: "‘Hello there, friends, Gabrielle and Xena. I seek your help. A warlord, Humongous, is acting in a destructive way, no doubt as a result of his upbringing and other societal factors beyond his control.' "
Paulina: "‘Here he comes now.' "
Actor: "‘I am the warlord Humongous. Are you Xena?' "
Paulina: "‘I am. Come, sit down. We wish to give you ...' "
Everyone: "... ‘a message of peace.' "
Actor: "‘Okay.' "
Gabrielle: "And curtain ... Could that have gone better? Great work. Great drama!"

Um ... maybe you should stick to poetry, Gabs
Gabrielle: "Let's keep going ... Minya. C'mon, it's your big scene."
Minya: "Yeah, my big scene where I talk my issues out more. Seems like all we do is talk. You know, maybe the play would be even better if we just clobbered some skulls."
Gabrielle: "No, Xena doesn't do that. Her message is of Peace."

Joxer: "Gabrielle, the play is great ... um ... maybe if we just had a different title."
Gabrielle: "Like what? Springtime for Warlords?
Joxer: "Well, or Blood, Guts & Babes."
Minya: "Wild Men in Rubber!"
Actor: "Big Boys in Boxers!"
Paulina: "That would be great!"
Joxer: "We're on the right track!"
Dustinus: "Showgirls!"
Gabrielle: "Stop it ... Stop it! ... STOP IT!!! This is my play. Now, I am in charge here. Now, I say we can make a few changes, but we will not ruin my ‘vision'!"

Joxer: "Well, well, well, aren't you all ashamed of yourselves? Gabrielle put her heart and soul into this play, and as a producer I am ashamed for all of you. But, as a producer I have a few little changes to make."

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