The Key to the Kingdom

Meg, Joxer & Autolycus team up to steal the legendary Crown of Athena. There's just one slight problem, Meg has her own agenda. The King of Thieves gets duped. Joxer ... well ... is Joxer. And, Xena proves once again that she has impeccable timing.

Autolycus: "Well, not the worst drop I've ever made, but by far the most profitable ... Oof! That gets harder every year."

Autolycus: "Xena? Ha ha ha! Hey, small world, huh? You have business here? Everything seems to be closed. Say, how'd you like to grab a bite to eat? I know this great little place, you'd ... C'mon, Xena, it's just a lousy little ruby. It's not even worth talking about. They won't even know that it's gone."
Gaurd from afar: "Look! The ruby! It's gone!"
Autolycus: "Ah, alright ..."
Gaurd from afar: "The ruby! It's back!"
Autolycus: "I gave it back. You happy now?"
Xena(?): "What are ya? Stupid or something? That thing was worth a fortune!"

Xena?  Have you done something new with your hair?
Joxer: Whoa whoa whoa, Meg, ya little minx, you. Sorry, he's usually a brilliant thief."
Autolycus: "Meg? Who's Meg?"
Xena ... er ... Meg: "Meg's me, and whose brilliant? Cuz it aint you, Mr. Stinky."

Autolycus: "You're saying that's not Xena?"
Joxer: "No."
Autolycus: "So let me get this right. I threw that precious stone over the wall for no good reason, huh? Heh, can you imagine that ... I'll kill ya, you moron!"

Autolycus: "So what's all this about?"
Meg: "I don't know if I want to tell ya. After all, you haven't made much of an impression on me ... yet."

Meg: "You'd be surprised what a young, nubile guard will scream out when he's about to ..."
Joxer: "... meet his maker."

Joxer: "I worked it out and it's all even-Steven. I get half, she gets half and you get half."

Joxer: "Look, Joxer the Mighty brings Xena Warrior Princess and Autolycus the King of Thieves ..."
Meg: "... a.k.a. Mr. Stinky ..."
Joxer: "... in chains."
Autolycus: "In chains?"
Joxer: "Look look look, let me explain it to you. They're grateful. They make me a lord of the realm and ruler of the treasury. ‘More wine, m'lord?' No no. Ha ha! See? I sneak into the treasury, take the key from one of the guards, say something like, ‘What's that over there?!' You know? Then I free you two and we walk off rich into the sunset. What do ya think?"
Autolycus: "I think it's inbreeding."

Autolycus: "Now listen, you two. I'm the expert here. There's nothing I haven't been able to break into or out of."
Meg: "Oh c'mon, there's nothing so appealing to a woman as a man who can admit his flaws."
Autolycus: "Well ... uh ... just between you and me, I have this little problem with these Scithian double-latch locks. For some reason, they're not my forte."

Geez, don't quit your day jobs ...

 ... um ... night jobs
Tax Collector: "Who are you?"
Autolycus: "We're villains."
Joxer: "Bad ... We'll kill you ... We'll cut you ... Then we'll ..."
Autolycus: "I think they get the idea. Give us all your money, tax collector."
Xena ... er ... Meg: "This is a good day to die."
Autolycus: "It is the warrior, Xena."
Joxer: "What, oh what, shall we do?"
Autolycus: "We must attempt to fight her."
Joxer: "I will ram her through with my sword ... aahhh! She took my hand!"
Autolycus: "Spare us, Xena."
Xena ... er ... Meg: "Now, go away from this place and don't come back or you will suffer the wrath of Xener!"

Autolycus: "With a body like that and brains like mine there are definitely some possibilities here."
Joxer: "Hey, that's my girl you're talking about."
Autolycus: "That's anybody's girl I'm talking about. C'mon she doesn't have one ounce of loyalty for any one man. Trust me, I know the type. I love the type."
Joxer: "Hey, if it makes a difference, she's also missing something."
Autolycus: "Yeah, me pressed right up against her."

Xena ... er ... Meg: "Does this window face East?"
Ormestin: "Yeah, why?"
Xena ... er ... Meg: "Well, if you don't know, I"m not going to tell you."

Autolycus: "Meg, there's no key, there's just some kid, some baby kid."
Meg: "The baby kid is the key, Mr. Stinky. Guards!"

Auto gets duped
Autolycus: "What are you doing?"
Xena ... er ... Meg: "Autolycus, will you ever learn? Why don't you tell them that it was all my idea, huh? Tell them that it was all my plan to come in here and steal the Key. No, better yet, why don't you tell them that I'm not the real Xena? That's his usual line."
Ormestin: "Take him away. Lock him in the dungeon."
Xena ... er ... Meg: "In stocks ... with double-latched Scithian locks. It's not his ‘fertay.'"

Autolycus: (to Gryphira) "Xena is this warrior. She goes around saving people and righting wrongs. It's all pretty sappy, but she seems to get her kicks out of it. The problem is that was not Xena. It was an exact look-a-like, some lady named Meg, soon to be the late Meg if I get my hands on her."

Old Man: "You're trying to steal the Crown of Athena. You're sure to fail."
Autolycus: "Oh, and I was doing so well."

Old Man: "The Key will point to the door, to the Crown of Athena and more."
Autolycus: "Go on."
Old Man: "Once the Key opens the door, the child will be no more."
Autolycus: "That's very poetic, but it doesn't sound good for the kid. Then again, once I find the door, when have I ever needed a key?"

Joxer: "Hey! You used me, and you used Autolycus, and you used him (baby) . Tell me that's not what happened."
Meg: "Naw, that pretty much so sums it up."

Meg: "I didn't lie to you, I just tricked ya."

Meg and her little man
Meg: "Oh, little man, it's been a mighty big day. Sorry, things have been pretty crazy, huh? But, you know, we'll go somewhere, we'll settle down, just you and me ... and Joxer, cuz he's funny. You're the best baby, you're the first baby, and the only baby I've ever had."

Meg: "Mr. Stinky, I presume."
Autolycus: "That's right, Meg, it's me, Mr. Stinky."
Meg: "So, you got out, huh? Well, I knew you would. I wouldn't have done that if I didn't think the old King of Thieves couldn't handle it."
Autolycus: "Give me that baby. I don't do kidnappings. I'm gonna take that thing in and I'm gonna get a big, fat reward."
Meg: "Over my dead body."
Autolycus: "That can be arranged."

Meg and her trusty shamrock
Meg: "I've got a shamrock and I know how to use it!"
Autolycus: "First of all, it's a chakram, and that thing's made out of wood."

Meg: "Mommy's here, Punkin."
Punkin: "Uh oh."

Autolycus: "This is going to slant my reputation. Why, Meg? Why this baby? Why now?"
Meg: "When I heard about the baby, there was no one to love him, no one to hold him, no one to tell him stories. Well, I just reckon that's a lousy way to grow up."

Meg: "They just don't understand, Punkin. Well, they can't possibly know how it is. See, what I had, it wasn't so good. My father, he died when I was real young and my mom, she tried hard, but, well it just didn't work out. Well, I was left alone to do what I wanted. I made all my own decisions and I guess I wasn't too good at that neither. Things are going to be different for you.

Meg showing a little depth
Meg: "You see those ... they're stars. When I was a little girl, I used to think that all those little lights came from houses in the sky and each one of those houses had a happy family around a cozy fire, and the lights came from all the open windows. And I used to think that at every window there was a little girl just like me looking out at the other lights, and I wondered what it would be like to be one of them. Well, one day we're gonna be one of those little lights ... that's a promise."

Autolycus: "You know when I said that Meg doesn't have an ounce of loyalty for just one man?"
Joxer: "Yeah."
Autolycus: "I was wrong."

Joxer: "Let's poke it with a stick or something."
Autolycus: "No, the old man said ‘the Key can point to the door, to the Crown of Athena and more. Once the baby opens the door, the Key will ...' drool and wet itself on the floor."
Joxer: "That's the worse legend I've ever heard."

Autolycus: "Look, I didn't tell you everything. The legend says that once the Key opens the door, the child will be no more. I wasn't going to risk the kid, I just had to know where the door was."

Joxer: "Meg! Nice moves!"
Autolycus: "That's not Meg, you moron, that's Xena."

Autolycus: "How did you get here?"
Xena: "Gryphira, the old nurse. When you told her about me she came to find me ... King Cleades, the child is no more."

King Cleades: "I was a fool. My people were so good, so hard working. But I took all that for granted and slowly started to treat them ..."
Autolycus: "Yeah, like animals. We saw what happened to your kingdom. You know, your people are basically bankrupt."
King Cleades: "Yes, through the eyes of a child, I saw."
Joxer: "Why did Athena make you a baby?"
Xena: "The eyes of a child are innocent. They can see the world in ways that we have long forgotten. Athena gave him the chance to learn and gain wisdom."

King Cleades: (to Meg) "I wouldn't be here today if someone hadn't risked everything for me. I had to see love, and you showed it to me."

Enter the REAL Warrior Princess and gang
Kryptos: "Xena?! Two Xena's?!"
Xena: "That's right, makes you want to cry like a baby, doesn't it?"

Kryptos: (to King Cleades) "Your people? Since when did they ever matter to you?"
Xena: "Since he was a baby."

Xena: "Athena made King Cleades young so he could see anew, and she made Gryphira old to teach her how to care."

Xena: "What's the matter with you?"
Joxer: "(sob) They grow up so fast."

Meg: "Well, everything worked out alright. Everybody's happy. I really thought I had something in there."
Xena: "You do. You've got a warm, caring heart with a lot of love to give."
Meg: "For the right price. Everyone knows that's Meg."
Xena: "Who do you think you're fooling, huh? You've got so much depth that it scares you when it comes out."
Meg: "Well, look who's talking. There's a million little lights in the sky and a million cozy homes, and I aint never going to be part of one of them."
Xena: "Meg, one day it's going to happen for you and you'll have a family of you own, not a borrowed one, a family of your own."
Meg: "I can't have children."
Xena: "You did a wonderful thing here, Meg. You helped a lot of people because you chose to love one child, and I can't believe that with all the little lights in the sky there isn't one waiting for someone like you."

DISCLAIMER: No Priceless Porkers, of either organic or ceramic origins, were harmed during the filming of this motion picture.

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