After Xena is struck by a mysterious poisoned dart, Gabrielle masquerades as the Warrior Princess in an effort to save Salmoneus' greedy posterior. Gabrielle is forced to reconcile her differences with Argo and finally gets to kick some serious bad guy butt!
Xena: "I wish you two would just get along."
Gabrielle: "It's not like we're at constant war or anything. Argo doesn't like me."
Xena: "Sometimes you have to have patience with things that annoy you."
Gabrielle: "I never said she annoyed me."
Xena: "I wasn't talking to you."
Gabrielle: "You stupid, coniving, four-footed daughter of a ... mare."
Gabrielle: "Do you know what this is? Water ... fizzy water."
Salmoneus: "He's after my secret elixir. Before I came to this town, the people had no zip. I mean, let's face it, there get up and go just kind of laid there and pffk. But, after my magic elixir they felt better. Productivity went up. Living conditions improved."
Salmoneus: "You want something done right, you have to buy the right people."
Talmadeus: "I had her. I had her!"
Soldier: "Maybe it's a trap."
Talmadeus: "No, I saw the fear in her eyes. She's running for her life."
Salmoneus: "Okay, I've been thinking about things and I've made some decisions."
Gabrielle: "You have?"
Salmoneus: "Yes. Somebody has to take charge, someone who has the initiative to get us out of this mess. Somebody has to take command. Now, any ideas where we can find this person?"
Xena: "Now Gabrielle, listen carefully. I know you've been in battle before, but this one is different. I want you riding in and out of this quickly."
Gabrielle: "Riding? That would mean Argo. No, she doesn't like me."
Xena: "She doesn't hate you...I thought you had a pony when you were young."
Gabrielle: "I did. His name was Tepany."
Xena: "Did you leave Tepany with your sister?"
Gabrielle: "No. Actually, he got really sick one day. Well, I thought he would get better, but that's just what happens to things you love. Sometimes they just leave you."
Gabrielle: "Now look, we have to call a truce. Okay?"
Gabrielle: "Hah! Thought you'd come back for more, did you?"
Soldier: "Does she seem smaller than before?"
Gabrielle: "This is your only warning. Either leave this valley or suffer the wrath of Xena!"
Soldier: "Whoever gets her, gets her!"
Gabrielle: "Xena, can't you just stop thinking of everyone else for a second. There's got to be something I can do for you."
Xena: "Don't worry about me. What did I tell you? Focus."
Gabrielle: "Xena, are you gonna die?"
Xena: "It's not about me. It's about these people. That's why we're hear. People like this used to be my victims. I keep that in mind every time we come up against a warlord like Talmadeus. It's the greater good. Remember that."
Xena: "I hate uninvited guests."
Talmadeus: "I can't help but to admire your bravery. Too bad I have to kill you."
Gabrielle: "Y-you don't have to."
Salmoneus: "Proud warrioress ... I will miss you."
Gabrielle: "This is not about you or me, Salmoneus. It's about these people, and that's why we're here, why Xena was here. We are staying and fighting for the greater good."
Talmadeus: "Xena dead and a whole village of slaves to be sold. It's turned out to be a good day!"
Talmadeus: "Who killed Xena?"
Salmoneus: "I don't know."
Talmadeus:"You don't know? It's obvious and soon the entire world will know ... I killed her!"
Talmadeus: "You fight well, I might ask you to join."
Gabrielle: "I'm taking her home to her brother."
Talmadeus: "I can see you're determined. How long do you think you can keep this up? The moment your head turns, the moment your eyes flicker I've got you and you know it. You don't even know how to hold a sword."
Talmadeus: "You people are pathetic. Such nobility. Such a waste of time."
Talmadeus: "That's Xena's horse. Kill it!"
Xena: (to soldier) "Don't you ever touch my horse again."
Gabrielle: "Glad to have you back. Don't ever do this again."
Xena: "Gabrielle, we're in the middle of a FIGHT!"
Talmadeus: I'm glad you're not dead. It would have robbed me of this."
Xena: Well, it would have saved me from your breath."
Xena: "I'm glad to see you two getting along."
Gabrielle: "Well, the best of friends are made in strange situations. Argo's okay. I mean, at least I know she doesn't hate me. She's still too tall, though."
Xena: "Gabrielle, when you thought I was dead, you risked your life to try and take me back home."
Gabrielle: "It was your last wish. For all that you've given me and all the times you've saved my life, I would go to Tartarus and back just to carry it out."
Xena: "I used to wonder if I would ever make it back. Now I know that one way or another I'm going home one day. Thank you."
DISCLAIMER: Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure. Play it safe."