A Fistful of Dinars

Xena and Gabrielle go a'treasure huntin' with Xena's former betrothed, Petracles, and the assassin, Thersites. Xena must prevent Ambrosia from falling into the wrong hands (mainly, a certain assassin psychopath). Gabrielle practices the proper etiquette for being held at knife-point, again. Poor Petracles, had he not received the kiss of death from Gabrielle, he might have made it to another episode.

Xena: "Have you ever heard of the lost treasure Sumaria?"
Gabrielle: "Have I? The entire wealth of the Sumerians hidden away ... more wealth than mortal men can dream of ... yeah, you might say that I've heard of it."

Gabrielle: "So, what's this Petracles like?"
Xena: "He's a warlord. He's an ambitious, ruthless, dominating, conniving liar. He'll say anything he can to get a woman to fall for him and when she does, he uses her."
Gabrielle: "So you've met."
Xena: "We were to be married."

Xena told me never to turn my back on you
Petracles: "Why do you keep looking at me?"
Gabrielle: "Xena told me never to turn my back on you."
Petracles: "She really hates me, doesn't she?"
Gabrielle: "Hate's a strong word ... but it might be the right one."

Petracles: "Some people consider me the King of Sweet Talk."
Gabrielle: "Well, hand over the crown, ‘cause you've just met your match. When I was five, I talked my parents into giving me my own pony."
Petracles: "When I was fifteen, I talked a warlord into giving me his army."
Gabrielle: "I once talked a Cyclops out of his dinner ... and I was the dinner."
Petracles: "I talked Xena into marrying me."
Gabrielle: "You can keep your crown."

Petracles: "When Xena and I met, we were very young. Neither of us knew what love was. We confused possession with passion. We had to own each other. I was a little better at it than she was. I asked her to marry me because I thought it was the best way to conquer her."
Gabrielle: "I bet you had a surprise coming."
Petracles: "No, Gabrielle, it worked. She was mine, and when I realized I had her, I didn't want her anymore."
Gabrielle: "That's incredibly cruel."
Petracles: "Yes, but I judged everything in terms of the battle field. And, the funny thing was, when any battle was won, I lost interest in the spoils."
Gabrielle: "It must have been a very empty experience."

Xena: "Don't mess with my friend"
Petracles: "What makes you think I am?"
Xena: "I've seen your line of seduction before, remember? Your giving her all the same looks you used on me. It's very familiar territory."
Petracles: "If you didn't have your fingers pressed against my life at the moment, I'd say you were jealous. Are you?"
Xena: "You hurt my friend and I will rip your throat out."

Petracles: "Do you remember our wedding bracelets?"
Xena: "Yes, I threw it in the fire ... like I do all of my garbage."

Priest: "You are strangers here. What's your purpose?"
Gabrielle: "Purpose? Why, to pay homage to the mother of the earth, the goddess of fawn, Demeter. We are from your sister temple in ... No-namia."

Priest: "You have committed the most horrible sacrilege. For this, you will die. Your limbs will be torn from your bodies, your eyes from your skulls. But first, we will inflict on you the severest torture before ending your pathetic lives. Your doom is assured ... however, I could be mistaken."

Thersites: "Great God Thersites, kinda has a ring to it, don't you think?"
Gabrielle: "Definitely. If you let me go, I'll build a temple for you with my share of the treasure."

Thersites: "Do you know what my first god-like act is going to be?"
Gabrielle: "Cure world hunger?"

Alas, poor red-shirted Petracles
Petracles: "Xena, I'm sorry I hurt you."
Xena: "It doesn't matter anymore."
Petracles: "It matters to me. I was a fool not to appreciate what I had."

Xena: "I was wrong about Petracles. He was a good man."
Gabrielle: "He was."

DISCLAIMER: No Ambrosia was Spilled, Spoiled or in any way harmed during the making of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.)

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