A Tale of Two Muses

Xena & Gabrielle stumble upon a village in which dancing is outlawed. Yes, folks, it's the ancient world meets Footloose. With the help of the King of Thieves and Tara (who is only slightly less annoying than she was in Forgiven) our girls "liberate" the town. Gabrielle gets a terrible case of "dance" fever. It is rumored, that Autolycus' performance as Philipon the Reformer has inspired the likes of Pat Robertson and Billy Graham. And, yes it is true that Xena does have many skills, but, sadly, dancing aint one of them.

Trudging through the desert
Gabrielle: "The despair of Winter is followed by the hope of Spring. The infernal heat of Summer abolished by a gentle Autumn breeze. Life's brutal Truths are softened by its tender mercies."
Xena: "You know, I like that.

Gabrielle: "Thank you. My writing has allowed me to express my most inner feelings. I don't know how I'd survive without it. I wish you had something like that, Xena."
Xena: "Are you kidding? I've got this (twirling her trusty chakram)"
Gabrielle: "It's ... perfect."

Just thought this image was really cute
Gabrielle: "More hot sand. Touring the world is sure tough on shoes."
Xena: "Yeah, I gotta get Argo to a blacksmith in the next town."
Gabrielle: "Actually, I was talking about my shoes."

Xena: "Tara?! I don't want to hurt you or your people, but I'm not going to let you beat this girl with a whip. So call off your lynch mob and go home."
Istafan: "This is no mob. It's the town militia and I am the chief magistrate."
Gabrielle: "Tara, what did you do?"
Istafan: "A crime so insidious we must punish it quickly and severely."
Gabrielle: "That's great, Tara, you really messed this up."
Istafan: "She danced."
Gabrielle: "What?"
Istafan: "She danced."
Xena: "Danced?"
Istafan: "Danced."

Gabrielle: "I don't get that place. Since when is Calliope the muse of not dancing?"
Tara: "It goes back into their history. Something about a fire that burned down most of the city sixty years ago."

Xena: "What are you doing?"
Gabrielle: "Ever since I heard that it's not allowed, I've never wanted to dance so badly in all my life. It just feels so good."
Xena: "Let's just try to get some sleep, huh?"

This one's just too easy ...
Gabrielle: "Aye yi yi ... is the plan under way?"
Xena: "Humpf"
Gabrielle: "Huh? I gotta dance."
Xena: "(thwap!) Go to sleep."

Gabrielle: "I travel ... a lot. I don't want some half-hearted patch job. I just want something that will last."
Repair man: "It will take me at least three days."
Gabrielle: "Three days?!"
Repair man: "You didn't hear? Philipon the Reformer is coming. People have been talking about it all morning. He's supposed to be a great preacher of Righteousness."
Gabrielle: "Exactly what this town needs, another Holier-than-thou preacher."

Philipon the Reformer?
Autolycus: "Don't tell me this is another one of virtue-is-it's-own-reward jobs. Oh Xena, I thought better of you, I really did. You know, I might as well go back to Ormand. I've got a good thing going with the King's sister. I'm this close to the crown jewels and he doesn't suspect a thing."
Xena: "He does now."

Xena: "People of Peleos, may I present to you Philipon of Crete, Reformer of warlords, dancers and evil people. It's said that he once convinced the King of Thieves himself to do a good deed for no reward other than his own virtue."

Istafan: "The King of Thieves, that degenerate blowhard."
Autolycus as Philipon: "Beg your pardon?"
Istafan: "Sinners like him never have the courage to be really successful. I'm sure he's just a fraud and an idiot."

One really smug Warrior Princess
Autolycus as Philipon: "Ha ha ha, no doubt. Would you excuse me ... (to Xena) ... this plan of yours, does it involve humiliating that horse's ass?"
Xena: "Yep."
Autolycus: "Then I'm in."

Autolycus as Philipon: "Good citizens of Peleos, heed my words. You know how it happens. It all starts with a tune rolling around in your head. Next thing you know, you're humming it at work, aint ya? You've done it. You've heard it. We've all been there. Then, you know what? Your toe starts to tap and your heel followed by you knee, ‘cause they're all connected. It moves on up and then you start gyrating. The next thing you know, you gotta let go. Trust me, good people, for I know from where I speak. For I myself was on that rocky road to Tartarus. That's right, brothers and sisters, in my wild and misspent youth I too danced. But, then an amazing event transpired. The goddess Calliope came into my life and claimed it as her own."

Autolycus as Philipon: "Is it enough to simply eliminate dancing? How about singing? Painting? I see embroidery! For shame! I'm telling you, people, extremism in the name of piety is no vice. Get ‘em up and praise her. Get ‘em up and praise her. Praise Calliope!"

Autolycus as Philipon: "This is exactly what I'm talking about, Istafan. Look at that filth."
Andros: "What's wrong with it? My father painted that. It's where he was born."
Autolycus as Philipon: "You painted that?"
Telamon: "Well, I know it's not very good ..."
Autolycus as Philipon: "Good? It's an abomination. Don't tell me you don't see it. Look. Look at the firmness of those rounded peaks. The cleft in that valley."
Istafan: "The tower thrusting skyward. Philipon is right, it's obscene."

Autolycus as Philipon: "Even good men can fall prey to bad influences."

Xena: "So off you go again. It was all about the cute guy, wasn't it?"
Andros: "Hey, it wasn't her idea to leave. I asked Tara to come with me."
Xena: "Really?"
Andros: "I've had it. I've had it with their backward ideas, their rules, their laws. My brother found a great job in Athens, that's where we're headed."
Xena: "Hmpf, and after that? You mean you didn't tell him, Tara?"
Andros: "Tell me what?"
Xena: "That running away isn't a solution. It's what cowards do when they're not willing to fight for what they believe in. Isn't that right, Tara? Look, Andros, I understand that you want to leave, but you should understand what it means. It means you never stop. It means no home and no family, and your father has to lose another son ... and it means not sticking around to help the ones you claim to really care about. Now, Tara, I got involved in this because I thought I sensed a change in you somehow (followed by a really disgusted look from our favorite baby blues)."

Gabrielle: (tapping her toes to a beat that sounds remarkably like ‘We Will Rock You,' now we know where Freddy Mercury got his inspiration) "I'm really getting into these metal patches. I like steel."

Stricken with 'dance' fever .. or is it?
Autolycus: "Gabrielle, I sense that there's some pent up energy, some frustration eating at you, some unresolved desire. I can tell that you need to get..."
Gabrielle: "Dancing! I just want to dance!"
Autolycus: "Ah, well, actually I was on a different track."

Istafan: "Do you really think military training is what our children need?"
Autolycus as Philipon: "Of course. All that excessive energy that used to be squandered on degenerate dance can now be channeled into marshal discipline. I guarantee it'll work. See, I talked Xena into leading the drill herself. She'll whoop them into shape."

Xena, Warrior Drill Sergeant
Drill Sergeant Xena: "Alright, now let's get this going. We're here to purify your minds. We're here to give you a little bit of focus. That's very important for you, focus. So, some of you think dancing is a way to express your innermost feelings, that dancing's an art. Well, Philipon has asked me to show you a real art ... the art of War!"

Drill Sergeant Xena: "The first move is called ‘defense of the perimeter.' It ensures that anyone who gets in your space loses an arm, a leg or a vital body part. Ha ha!"

Telamon: "We need change or our children will leave us ... and our town will die."

Telamon: "How did I do with your speech?"
Gabrielle: "Fine. You left out the line about ‘everlasting judgement of prosperity.'"
Telamon: "Well, I thought it was a little over the top."
Gabrielle: "Oh, really?"
Xena: "Let it go, Gabrielle."

Let the games begin
Xena: "This man would do anything to remain in power including lying, murdering and brutalizing your children."
Istafan: "It's all lies. Everything I've done, it's all been for the children."
Xena: "Then it will be interesting to see how you deal with this ... (Snap! Snap! Snap!)"

Istafan: "Militia, arrest them all."
Xena: "Come and get some."

Autolycus lets loose
Autolycus as Philipon: "Wait! I have seen the light. Calliope has spoken to me. The scales have fallen from my eyes ... Yahoo! ... YeeHaw! ... Yodle-odle-lay-he-hoo! ... Let's dance!"

DISCLAIMER: No self-righteous magistrates intent on suppressing the basic human right of freedom of expression were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

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