Xena and Gabrielle battle their toughest opponents yet: lice, foot rot, a stomach virus, a rabid bunny, a stubborn horse and a couple of ugly dudes. It's the ancient world meets Monty Python. Remarkably, Joxer saves the day. A town rejoices. And, Xena gets her pony back.
Gabrielle: "Xena...wake up..."
Xena: "Hmm, what is it?"
Gabrielle: "Foot rot!"
Gabrielle: "Why can't you just leave your horse in a barn like a normal person?"
Xena: "Argo doesn't like being cooped up. Besides, this valley's her home. It has plenty of space to run, lots of grass to eat."
Gabrielle: "Plenty of bugs, lots of infestations..."
Xena: "Hey! I didn't stop looking for you and the same goes for Argo."
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Gabrielle: "What was that?" |
Gabrielle: "Maybe if we put your bedroll in the river ..."
Xena: "This way."
Gabrielle: "Let it soak, then slap against a rock or two. That would probably get rid of the little buggers."
Xena: "This is Argo's trail, I'm sure of it."
Gabrielle: "Then again, it could be too late. There might be a family of badgers living in there by now."
Xena: "Give it a rest, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "No, not until you clean up your act, Xena."
Xena: "Hey, I'm not the one with the fungus among us."
Gabrielle: "Oh, yeah, that's poetic. Did one of your bug friends whisper that in your ear?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, you want a piece of me, huh? Fine ... I'll give you a piece of me."
Joxer: "I figured I'd find you guys here. The trail was too easy to follow. Any idiot could find you."
Xena: "Evidently."
Gabrielle: "So, let me guess, you want our help?"
Joxer: "No, no, I've got things completely under control."
Xena: "When do you want us to start?"
Joxer: "How's ‘now' sound?"
Joxer: "Okay, then it's settled. We're a team, Joxer the Mighty and his mighty band of mighty men ... girls .. .um ... Joxer the Mighty and his fighting, mighty women fighters."
Xena: "That's strange, Argo seems to be deliberately avoiding me. Something's wrong."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, you're telling me. Xena, it's red, it's green, it's on the move."
Xena: "Something's bothering Argo."
Gabrielle: "Hey! Hey, human suffering here. Xena, my fungus is spreading like wildfire."
Gabrielle: "I'll catch the rabbit."
Xena: "What? You're gonna catch the rabbit?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, after all these years of watching you slaughter nature's creatures, I think I can do this. Look, I don't want you near the food. A lice infested rabbit is not on my diet."
Xena: "I do not have lice. It's dandruff, a minor scalp irritation, that's all."
Gabrielle: "Whatever. I'll catch the rabbit."
Xena: "Well, go ahead. It's no skin off my back."
Gabrielle: "Har-de-har-har."
Joxer: "Hey, wait a minute. Those villagers hired me, and only Joxer the Mighty is going to stop the Scythians."
Xena: "Joxer, I once new a warrior who tried to stop them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens and Carthage."
Joxer: "What do you mean?"
Xena: "They buried him in Sparta ... Athens ... and Carthage ... think about it, Joxer."
Xena: "Joxer, have you noticed anything about my hair?"
Joxer: "Oh ... uh ... it looks lovely."
Xena: "No, Gabrielle, she had this crazy idea about bugs or something."
Joxer: "Oh, your lice. Yeah, I can see them from here."
Xena: "I don't have lice."
Joxer: "Hey, listen, I just thought you liked looking filthy. It made you look tougher or something."
Xena: "I'm not filthy."
Joxer: "Hey, I'm not the one who has lice."
Xena: "I don't have lice!"
Joxer: "Someone let the widdle wabbit get away."
Gabrielle: "Joxer, you're lucky it was me back there. That little bunny would have ripped your head off. I'm serious. That was one tough rabbit."
Xena: "That's not my chakram that you're scratching your fungus on, is it?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, yeah, it's your chakram."
Xena: "Gabrielle ..."
Gabrielle: "Look, my finger nails are worn to the nubs. I need to scratch."
Xena: "No, you shouldn't be scratching, it will only make things worse."
Gabrielle: "I'm not going to give it to you."
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Xena: "Don't make me hurt you, Scabrielle." |
Gabrielle: "Alright, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap your head off. It's my fungus talking. Joxer, come on, you know how I feel about you."
Joxer: "How do you feel about me?"
Gabrielle: "Well, you know, I value your ..."
Joxer: "My what? What? What did you say?"
Gabrielle: "Um ... I don't think this is a really good time right now."
Joxer: "Oh, sure it is, Gabrielle. Go on, spit it out."
Gabrielle: (Ghack!)
Gabrielle: "Oh, Argo, Argo, Argo. Somebody walked by with an apple and she followed him home."
Xena: "Hah!"
Gabrielle: "That's what horses do."
Xena: "I don't ask for much. I just want my pony back. Where's Gabrielle?"
Joxer: "Nature called."
Gabrielle: "No, it screamed like a wild banshee."
Gabrielle: "What did you put in my breakfast?"
Joxer: "Just radishes and water. Why?"
Gabrielle: "My stomach feels like Monday morning in Tartarus."
Joxer: "You know, I just think your feeling a little puffy, bloated and irritable today."
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Joxer: "I've recruited two great warriors for you. Meet Xena, the Warrior Princess, and her sidekick, Gabrielle!" |
Joxer: "Listen, would you guys stop scratching and picking for one minute. Everyone's getting nervous. Would you go out there and flex a little warrior muscle and maybe kill...something."
Xena: "I need a volunteer ... I pick you."
Villager: "Hmm?"
Xena: "Yeah, don't be shy. Your mother wasn't"
Joxer: "Good news! I've spoken with the villagers and they've decided not to stone you ...us ... decided not to stone me."
Gabrielle: "She (Argo) doesn't like me, does she? What is it? Is it my personality, my hair color ... the fact I talk about her like she's a real person."
Xena: "You know, we have to watch out for that inn keeper."
Gabrielle: "Why? What does he have ...what ... what ... ringworm?"
Xena: "No, he's in with the Scythians."
Xena: "What are you drinking?"
Gabrielle: "Linseed root. You said it was good for my skin."
Xena: "On your skin. You're not supposed to drink it."
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Gabrielle: "Oh, so, I mean, what could happen?" |
Escarius: "You don't know my brother. He's not going to let me rot in this jail cell."
Xena: "Don't tell us about rot."
Xena: "I can't believe that Argo would let someone else ride her. What we had was such a beautiful thing. I ruined it."
Xena: "Joxer, you're the secret weapon."
Joxer: "Me?"
Xena: "You're going to neutralize the army while I get my horse back."
Gabrielle: "I don't know if my lice has fungus, or my fungus has lice."
Joxer: "You know, I'm a graduate from the Royal Athens Academy of Cooking. I cooked for the King ... before he died."
Xena: "Nobody touches my horse."
Xena: (to Argo) "How did Ascius win you over? What? Apples? You left me for apples? Thanks, pal."
Xena: "If you think about it, Joxer brought down the entire Scythian army without spilling a drop of blood."
Joxer: "True."
Gabrielle: "Yeah, you have talent ... it's contagious."
Joxer: "Joxer the Mighty, never gets a fever, he's eager as a beaver, he's Joxer, Joxer the ... ohhh ...."
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Xena: "This week's been kind of tough on everyone, I guess. But, you know, I'm always there for you, and you're always there for me. We're ..." |
DISCLAIMER: "No Leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during the production of this motion picture.
