It was a Gala Event. There were rubies upon the rubies and diamonds upon the diamonds...
The Princess: "What a hunk of a man."
Tyro: (to The Princess) "They're playing our song."
Step-Brother: "Who's the new guy?"
Step-Father: "Don't know, but check out his social skills."
The Princess: "You dance divinely."
Tyro: "I know."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: And here, I thought Disco was a product of the 1970's. I guess it was really the 70's B.C.
Tyro: "When I look at you, my eyes begin to bloom. My heart begins to zoom and I'm in Hea-von."
Princess: "When I dance with you, my head sails to the moon. My feet sing out a tune and I'm in Hea-von."
Both: "Nobody has ever made me feel quite like this."
Tyro: "My palms perspire."
Princess: "My stomach churns."
Both: "I know this must be bliss. It's your sweet angel face that I've been dreaming of."
Tyro: "I'm in Hea-von."
Chorus: "He's in Hea-von."
Both: "When I'm with you, I'm in Hea-von."
The Sands of Time Run Out ...
Tyro: "Ooh ... Oh ... Bye!"
The Princess: "Wait! Wait, my shoe!"
Tyro: "I'll send it later."
Joxer: "The handsome and dashing Tyro hurried and hurried, but it was too late. For as he looked at his hour glass, the last grain of sand ..."
Xena: "... Where's Alesia?"
Zantar: "She wandered off. Can't say I blame her. If I weren't tied up, I'd kill ya."
Gabrielle: "I was cooking."
Xena: "I left you in charge."
Gabrielle: "Are you saying it was my fault she ran away again?"
Gabrielle: "I can't believe she's blaming me for this."
Joxer: "I can ... Ow!"
Joxer: "Well, at least that nutty broad, Aphrodite, isn't around. What an airhead. Talk about your half-wits, and half dressed ... hello, Aphrodite."
Xena: "Why did you run away?"
Alesia: "Have you ever heard Joxer tell a story?"
Xena: "Well, that's a good point, but all fairy tales have a purpose. And, even when Joxer tells it, there's a message."
Alesia: "Yeah, run."
Xena: "Where's Zantar?"
Joxer: "He ran off with Aphrodite. She was disguised as an old lady."
Xena: "Where were you?"
Gabrielle: "I went to look for Zantar's men. They were beating up this old woman."
Xena: "Gabrielle, that old woman was Aphrodite."
Gabrielle: "No. How was I supposed to know that?"
Joxer: "Don't feel bad, Aphrodite almost fooled me too."
Alesia: "I want hear the rest of the story."
Xena: "Alright. Well, let me tell you what really happened ..."
Featuring: Xena as the tough-as-nails Tyrella
Zantar in drag as her evil Step Mother
Joxer as The Prince
Gabrielle as Tyrella's Fairy God's Sister
Tyrella had a step-family, alright. But, no one pushed her around. One day, Tyrella was busy sharpening her sword ...
Alesia: "Xena, shouldn't Tyrella wear a dress?"
Step-Mother: "What have you been doing all morning?"
Tyrella: "Well, let's see. I fought a warlord, saved a village and rescued a burning wagon full of orphans."
Step-Mother: "Hmpf. Just what I thought, lolly-gagging again. Do some real work for a change."
The Prince: "Ladies, I'm looking to wed the woman who fits this shoe. Please ... please ... (to Tyrella) how about you? Would you care to try it on? If it fits, I can promise you a Happy Ending."
Tyrella: "Know what, Prince? You seem like a real nice fellow, so I'm gonna make this simple for ya. I don't need you or a Fairy's God Mother or anyone else to give me a Happy Ending. That's something that I'll get or I won't get all by myself. So I suggest you peddle this shoe someplace else."
Step-Mother: "So, The Prince won't marry either of you beauties. Well, if we can't get to the Crown Jewels that way, we'll just have to ... cut and run!"
Fairy God's Sister: "Tyrella?"
Tyrella: "What do you want?"
Fairy God's Sister: "Your step-mother and step-sisters are gong to rob the kingdom of the Crown's Jewels. You have to stop them."
Tyrella: "Right, I'm on it"
Fairy God's Sister: "Wait. I am you Fairy God's Sister. Don't you want my help?"
Tyrella: "Yeah. Could you get rid of those dishes, this place is a mess."
Fairy God's Sister: "If that's how I'm most useful to you, my pleasure."
Gabrielle: "After all we've been through, that's what you think of me? The Fairy God's Sister of dishes? Xena, is that my only use to you?"
Xena: "Oh C'mon, it was just a story. I just meant that we're family, and in a family you ..."
Gabrielle: "... You have no idea how useful I am. I'm outta here. That's it. I need space."
Xena: "Gabrielle ..."
Xena: "She'll be back ... She does this all the time, right Joxer? ... She's just crazy ... Gabrielle ..."
Alesia: "This isn't gong to have a Happy Ending, is it?"
Queen Mistria: "Zantar and his brothers have stolen the Crown jewels. You may be too late."
Xena: "We'll see about that."
King Melos: "Now, you and me and your step-mother are going to try to be happy, alright?"
Alesia: "Xena, wait! I want to go with you and be a hero like Tyrella."
Queen Mistria: "Alesia, wait!"
Alesia: "But I want to go with Xena."
Xena: "Sweetheart, you can't."
Alesia: "But what about my Happy Ending?"
Xena: "You're going to get a Happy Ending. I promise you that. I need to ask you to do something for me, would you?"
Xena: "I want you two to talk ... and that's an order from your Fairy God's Mother."
Gabrielle: "Aphrodite! I know you can hear me ... (CRASH) ... Sorry! ... (CRASH) ... Whoops! Clumsy me!"
Aprhodite: "Okay, chill the ‘tude, Miss Thang."
Gabrielle: "I want you to leave Alesia alone."
Aprhodite: "She came to me. You heard what she said. She hates her family."
Gabrielle: "All I see is this confused little girl. She doesn't realize how much she misses her family, all these people who love her. If you don't stop meddling, you're going to break them up."
Aprhodite: "I just wanted a Happy Ending for her."
Gabrielle: "No, you just wanted your Happy Ending, regardless of her. Tell me, Miss Expert, is that what you call Love? It's just a thought."
Xena: "What are you doing?"
Joxer: "Look, Xena, I'm sidekicking, ya know? I'm your comrade in arms ... your wing man ... you're the comet and I'm Ajax ... you're Achilles and I'm your heel."
Joxer: "Don't you see? With these fists of fury you'll have no problem beating anyone. Watch ... hyah! ... every muscle is tight ... notice the action ... OW!"
Queen Mistria: "What did I do?"
Alesia: "You stole my Daddy from me."
Queen Mistria: "No I didn't. He's just as much yours as he ever was."
Alesia: "No, he's not. Now he's yours."
Queen Mistria: "How about we make him ours?"
Alesia: "Well ..."
Queen Mistria: "Alesia, I know it's been hard since your mother died. But I want you to know that I really do care about you."
Alesia: "You do?"
Queen Mistria: "Yes. Your father's told me all about you, how you like stories. Can't we have a Happy Ending?"
Alesia: "I thought every story had a Happy Ending, but now I don't know. Because of me, Zantar stole the Crown Jewels and Gabrielle left Xena forever. I've ruined everything."
Joxer: "Sidekick ... I am ten times the sidekick Gabrielle is. Now Zantar, if I ever see that big, fat porker, bulbous behemoth of a hippo I'm gonna tell him ... what a great guy he is."
Zantar: "Now we have a little insurance in case Xena gets in the way."
Xena: "Nice plan ... if I cared."
Queen Mistria: "Don't cry, my princess. Why, I bet Tyrella would do just what Xena would do."
Xena: "So, Tyrella arrested her step-mother and her step-sisters, saved The Prince, and she retrieved the family jewels."
Alesia: "Did she and The Prince get married and live Happily Ever After?"
Xena: "Uh, no. No, but she and her Fairy God's Sister did make it back, and from now on would help one another be all they could be."
Aprhodite: "Yada yada yada. Talk about your sappy stories. Look kid, we had some fun, didn't we? But, this love thing it's just not something I can teach you, it's something you have to learn on your own. And, this is as good a place as any. There's a lot of love here, from your dad and your step-mom."
Alesia: "My step-mother, she doesn't love me."
Aprhodite: "Yes, she does. Take it from me, I know about these things."
Xena: "Gabrielle, why'd you come back?"
Gabrielle: "It was what you said about being family. I realized that every family has their problems. But, what's important is that we stay together, we work it out."
Xena: "So, anyone heard any good stories lately?"
Gabrielle: "Actually, I've been working on one. It's about a wooden boy, and every time he tells a lie his nose keeps growing and growing until it's really long ..."
Joxer: "... or, he could be a monkey and his tail gets smaller ..."
DISCLAIMER: No Fractured Fables were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
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