Many Happy Returns
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Genia: "You can't just go around ruining other people's sacrifices like that!"
Xena: "Why would you want to sacrifice yourself to any god?"

'...it's a birthmark.  We don't talk about it.'
Genia: "It's my sacred duty to give my life to the All-Knowing [noticing Gabrielle] Almighty to show my what is on your eye?"
Xena: "Oh, uh "
Gabrielle: "Huh?"
Xena: " it's a birthmark. We don't talk about it."

Genia: "Are you sure you're not a god?"
Gabrielle: [Aware that she's been the recipient of a prank] Ha ha ha, there's nothing divine about Xena. If she were a god, then I couldn't do this!" [pinches Xena's lovely arse]
Xena: "Ow!"
Gabrielle: "Or that. Or this [Xena stops her in mid-torture] Ow!"
Xena: "Alright, you made your point."
Gabrielle: "Okay."

'Gabrielle, this kid needs our help'
Xena: "Now, look Genia, if your god was all-powerful and all-knowing, then maybe he sent me to save you."
Genia: "Or maybe he sent you to test my faith. I'm going to hold my breath and sacrifice myself."
Xena: "Yeah, good one."

Xena: "Now, listen, Gabrielle, this kid needs our help."
Gabrielle: "Mm."
Xena: "She's so blindly devoted to that god of hers, she's willing to kill herself."
Gabrielle: "Well, why don't we introduce her to the gods that we know? Then she wouldn't want to throw herself over a cliff for them."
Xena: "Now, that is not a bad idea. Come on, Genia. Quit goofing around. I got someone we want you to meet."


Lagot: "They've, uh, taken the virgin, your holiness."
Zarat: "Curses me. We must find the girl!"


Ferragus: [admiring himself in a mirror] "Oh, yeah, you're the biggest, baddest, warlord this side of Athens!"
Frankus: "Father! News from the zealot camp!"
Ferragus: "What?! Them numbskulls still think their god's gonna stop me from raiding them whenever I like! Hah! Waste of a perfectly good virgin."
Frankus: "Not this time, Pop. A woman swooped in dark beautiful dressed in leather. She jumped off the cliff and saved the girl."

Ferragus: "Xena, the warrior pain in my ass! But wait! Not even Xena could survive falling from the cliff."
Frankus: "She didn't fall. She flew. She put on this helmet and flew."
Ferragus: "Ah, must be the helmet of Hermes. Son, I have a job for you."


[The gals find the perfect camping spot, adorned with a lake and waterfall.]

'Nothing like sleeping under the stars, huh, Xena?'
Genia: "Oh, what a beautiful spot!"
Xena: "Yeah, it's nice."
Gabrielle: "Nothing like sleeping under the stars, huh, Xena?"
Xena: "Mm-hm."

Genia: "In the convent, they locked me in my room from sunset to sunrise."
Gabrielle: "Were you raised to be a priestess?"
Genia: "Oh, no, I was raised to be a virgin sacrifice."

Xena: "Here. Make up your bedroll."
Genia: "There we go. Now, is there anything else that I--" [notices that the campsite has been completely erected, with campfire blazing, in approximately 45 seconds]
Gabrielle: [jumping into the lake] "Last one in is a Centaur dropping! ... Yahoo! It's cold!" [dives under the water]
Xena: [to a re-surfacing bard] ... "I can't believe you did that!"

'Come on in!  The water's great!'
Gabrielle: [to Genia, who is still on the shore and sheltering her eyes from such unholy nudity] "Come on in!"
Genia: "No."
Gabrielle: "The water's great!"
Genia: "No, thank you. It's Okay. I'll just stay here and look at the bushes!"

Genia: [cleaning the last remnants of dinner off her plate] "I have never experienced such pleasure."
Xena: "And so quickly, too."
Genia: "Oh, my! I've eaten one of the Almighty's creatures! As penance, I'm going to sleep on the cold, hard ground."
Gabrielle: "You know, a better penance would be to clean the frying pan Oh, virgin one, it gets cold out here." [tosses a blanket at Genia]
Xena: "You know, if the gods didn't want us to eat fish, then how come they made it taste so good? Hmm? You know, you should get some rest, Gabrielle. It's a big day tomorrow."


'Would you get your cold, clammy feet off me?!'
Gabrielle: [squirming and laughing in her bedroll next to Xena] "Stop, Xena! Would you get your cold, clammy feet off me?!"
Xena: "Gabrielle, I don't know what you're talking about."
Gabrielle: "Hmm? [lifts her blanket to reveal a slimy eel encircling her feet, which scurries off] You're not going to give up, are you?! I hope you know, Xena, this means war!"


Genia: "What a beautiful morning. Did you sleep well?"
Gabrielle: "Not particularly. You know, if you want to travel with us, a few things I should tell you. Never, under any circumstances, interrupt Xena when she's having a morning bath."
Xena: [emerging from her morning bath] "Gabrielle!"
Gabrielle: "Yes, Xena."
Xena: "My clothes are missing! Any idea where they are?!"
Gabrielle: "Um, I think they're right under your nose."
Xena: "Oh, it's alright! Here they are!"

hmm, not one of Gabs' better ideas
[As Xena tugs on her clothing and armor, they trip a wire, which sends a bucket full of fish guts raining down on the Warrior Princess.]

'This means that we're even now, right?'
Gabrielle: [realizing this isn't the smartest thing she's ever done] "I, uh, I thought I mean, Xena, you can catch arrows. I thought for sure you could catch a a bucket of fish guts."
Xena: "Happy birthday, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "This means that we're even now, right?"
Xena: "Even? No, I think we're just getting started."
Gabrielle: [very worried] "Okay. Right."


Genia: "So, this is one of your gods' temples."
Xena: "Yep."
Genia: "A pure and holy place [kneels to pray] Perfect be God and all God's places. Perfect be God in all God's graces."
Xena: [to Gabrielle] "Boy, is she in for a surprise Aphrodite!"
Aphrodite: [appears with three virile, young men] "Well, if it isn't my favorite girl group."
Xena: "Genia, meet Aphrodite Goddess of love."


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