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Season 5

"You know what, sweetie? You talk too much."

"Why don't we get together over a meal? You know what I feel like? Some raspberry jelly and -- I don't know -- some raw fish. What do you say?"

"It's impossible! I cannot be pregnant! If you weren't such a quack, you would know that getting pregnant involves certain physical requirements that I haven't met in a long time! And I mean a very long time! No one. Zilch. Zippo. I am a love-free zone. Therefore, it is utterly impossible that I be 'up the duff'!"

"I feel like a slug. A pregnant slug."

"There aren't many guarantees in life, Alti, but I promise you this, if you harm my child, I will hound you. I will hound you throughout all time and between worlds. I will be your eternal damnation."

"Stay out of my nightmares."

"Believe me, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt me."

"Alright, ease off. You'll all be more comfortable walking without a limp."

"Am I getting too old for this? ... Nah!"

"Well, kids ... if you can't play nice with your new toy, I'm gonna have to take it from you."

"Make it snappy. I've got a lot of single, Greek losers to turn down."

"For crying out loud, what century are you living in?!"

"Alright, now, I'm not mad. I'm just very, very disappointed."

"Joxer ... never pie a pregnant woman."

"There are ways to kill a god."

"I am pregnant, not brain damaged."

"And that's how you lay a false trail. It's basic, but you gotta start someplace."

"I am Xena, the Ultimate Woman, versus Joxer, the Ultimate Meatball! And I will crush his head like a peanut between the thighs of Do-o-o-o-m!"

"Now, I will penetrate his brain with the great, wet willy!"

"Every time you turn his brain off "

"Don't worry. I'm not gonna kill ya. Not today."

"Neither of you is going to leave me. Gabrielle, you're the most pure thing in my life [to Eve] and you're my great hope. So, I'm not going to let either of you go."

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