Milo: "Zhera, so good to see you. Therax, here, wants to check out his investment."
Therax: "Yeah, that's right, and if I don't like what I see I'm grinding my profits from the bones of your little playwright."
Zhera: "Therax, sweetheart, don't worry. The show is a guaranteed money maker. I can't say it enough, this Gabrielle, she's an absolute genius."
Gabrielle: "I have inner peace ... I can work with amateurs ... in with Love, out with Hate ... in with Love, out with Hate ..."
Joxer: "Gabrielle, we were all talking and we just wanted to say that we're sorry."
Gabrielle: "Thank you, and I want to apologize for losing control. I promise it won't happen again."
Gabrielle: "Paulina, when you're ready."
Paulina: "Aiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi !!!!!"
Gabrielle: "‘Xena, is that you? I ...' What happened to your costume?"
Paulina: "Ask my producer."
Joxer: "I just figured, you know, a little eye candy, what's the harm? Doesn't affect the whole ‘vision' thing, it's all still the same story."
Gabrielle: "OK, let's move on to Act XIII, it'll be the entrance of King Whatsis. I'll give the cue ... ‘Look, it's King Whatsis on his horse.' "
Dustinus: "‘Hello, Gabrielle and Xena. I have battled to warlord Humongous. His army destroyed my entire battalion.' "
Gabrielle: "What's this? It's blood. You have a head on your stick ... (to Joxer) these are your changes? Blood? Sex?"
Joxer: "And a hot tub, I've got the guys working on it in the back. I thought to myself, ‘Joxer, what is it that you like?' And, I figured that's what the public wants."
Gabrielle: "Artists aren't supposed to care what the public wants!"
Gabrielle: "Look, if you don't like my message, then you can all take off. No good playwright would have her art reduced to garbage for the sake of a few dinars!"
Gabrielle: "I wonder what Sophocles would say? Why don't I ask him, artist to artist."
Sophocles: "I asked for blood. You call that blood? And shorten those skirts."
Gabrielle: "I have an announcement to make. A message means nothing if no one hears it ... a flower in the forest is just a plant if no one sees it ... we're gonna need more blood. I want more skin. I want action. I want weapons. I want battlefields with beaten, bloody bodies. We're gonna take this little flower and we're gonna cram it down their throats for their own good!"
Joxer: "What about the critics?"
Gabrielle: "It'll kill them all."
Gabrielle: "‘Kill them all! Kill them all!!!' ... You see? It's from the back of the throat. It's much more guttural. You have to believe the anger, the hatred for life. Now, make that audience shiver."
Paulina: "'Kill, kill them all!' "
Minya: "Yeah, they'll shiver, alright ... with laughter."
Paulina: "Like you could do better."
Minya: "You bet I could."
Paulina: "Well, you can't because I got the part."
Gabrielle: (wicked cat fight ensues) "That's good, sell it to the back row!"
Zhera: "Gabrielle, dear, I see you've made some changes. I hope this won't get in the way of your ‘vision'."
Gabrielle: "No, the ‘vision's fine. Look, we're gonna need a bit more in the way of cash."
Zhera: "More? But, darling, we were very specific about the budget. The investors ..."
Gabrielle: "... the investors want a hit. They can cough up the cash. You tell them, and if they don't, I announce bankruptcy and we close the doors. But, I am not going to take this bird out until she can fly."
Zhera: "We have to come up with something before Gabrielle turns it into a legitimate enterprise."
Milo: "The warlord Cleon is in town."
Zhera: "Cleon? Are you kidding? Cleon fund a play about Xena? He hates Xena. She defeated him twice, humiliated him in battle ... (ding!) ... But, with the right sales pitch ..."
Gabrielle: "Put the hot-tub center stage. I want the audience to get an eyeful ... Polina, Polina, no no no, you have to scream wildly like you can't wait to hack him into pieces before you chop his head off. 'This is for you Humongous, you vile bastard.' Do you get it? ... What am I doing? All this sex, blood, violence. Have I gone crazy?"
Joxer: "Gabrielle, we just sold out the first night!"
Gabrielle: "Crazy like a fox. I want more blood. Let's make it gushing!"
Cleon: "How'd you get Gabrielle to spill all of Xena's weaknesses?"
Zhera: "Simple, by having her write and direct a play all about her friend, and she told everything, right Milo?"
Cleon: "If anyone could get to Xena, it would be that little friend of hers ... I'm in."
Chorus Girls: "Listen now and you will hear the action pack tale of Xe-na ... Xe-na ... Xe-na Warrior Princess ..."
Paulina: "‘Wow, I'm really wet.'"
Gabrielle: "‘Me, too.' "
Dustinus: "‘Xena, I've been searching for you high and low. Please help rid my kingdom of that scourge Humongous.' "
Gabrielle: "‘Xena, it's the warlord Humongous. Help me!' " (The gals then proceed to hack the big H into not so little pieces)
Kaelus: "I saw the play."
Zhera: "I can explain. You know what they say, ‘bad dress rehearsal, great opening night.'"
Kaelus: "I loved it!"
Zhera: "You did?"
Kaelus: "The power. The passion. The danger. The blood. The kick-butt feel. This show's gonna run for years."
Zhera: "That Joxer, he was right on the money. We have to get Gabrielle back to that boring, pretentious, heavy-handed material we fell in love with."
Zhera: "Darlings, congratulations! Your play is already the talk of the town. I ran into one of the investors, the warlord Kaelus the Conqueror. He snuck into rehearsal and what he saw just blew him away. I have never seen anyone as galvanized as he was."
Zhera: "He said he wanted his entire army to see the play."
Joxer: "How many in his army? We have a matinee that hasn't sold out yet."
Zhera: "Apparently, he's planning on invading a neighboring country and, well, your play is certain to fire up his army. Goodbye, Darlings."
Gabrielle: "What have I done?"
Joxer: "Well, apparently you've created a great motivational play."
Gabrielle: "For warlords. I sold out, Joxer. I can't believe it, I sold out. Look, we're going back to my original ‘vision'. I don't care how much money we lose. It's going to be Peace, Love and changing the world."
Gabrielle: "Welcome to the premiere performance of Gabrielle & Xena: A Message of Peace. If you're looking for titillation, blood, violence, you've come to the wrong place. Behold the Love, the Peace, and be changed
Gabrielle: "‘Xena, fearless, noble, a mighty princess forged in the heat of battle. How many lives have been saved by your warrior heart once you learned to empty it ...' "
Minya: "Joxer? What's happening?"
Joxer: "Danger ... violence ... blood?"
Minya: "No, that was the good version."
Gabrielle: "King Whatsis, take us to Humongous. We will bring him ...' "
Gabrielle & Paulina: "... ‘a message of Peace.' "
Gabrielle: "Joxer, we're in the middle of a scene."
Joxer: "Uggh ... bad guy."
Cleon: "No one takes my money and gets away with it. You're coming with me."
Gabrielle: "Humongous ... uh ... Cleon."
Cleon: "That's right, Kleon. If I can't get the secrets to defeating Xena, at least I can get her little friend."
Kleon: "Oh, go away. You're not even a good actress."
Cena: "Now, that was a little uncalled for."
Gabrielle: "What are you doing here?"
Xena: "Gabrielle, I knew there would be trouble when I saw the playbill. It listed Zhera as the contact. She's the Queen of Cons."
Kaelus: "Where's the blood, the death? Where's all the fun?"
Xena: "No time to talk ... it's time to act!"
Gabrielle: "Somebody stop them (a fleeing Zhera & Milo) ... interactive theater, everybody, join in!"
Critic #1: "The play's not bad. I just don't buy that Xena."
Critic #2: "There's the opening of Buffus, the Bacchae Slayer across the street."
Zhera: "Xena, I have seen the error of my ways. Starting now, I am going to find a legitimate career that best suits my natural abilities ... Oh Dustinus, I have been watching you, Darling, and I must say that I'm impressed. Have you ever thought about changing representation? I'm opening a new agency."
Dustinus: "Very well, but what I really want to do is direct."
Gabrielle: "Oh, it was stupid to think that people would want to hear about Peace and Love instead of sex and violence."
Xena: "Well, Peace might be boring, but it's all anyone really wants."
Gabrielle: "No one wants to be preached to, they have to experience things for themselves. Still, if I could have touched one person ..."
Minya: "Gabrielle, I wanted to thank you. I never would have met Paulina if it wasn't for you. In fact, the two of you made me realize something deep down about myself that I guess I always knew but didn't dare admit. Yes, I'm a ... thesbian!"
Xena: "Congratulations, you managed to touch someone."
Gabrielle: "That's not what I had in mind. I wanted to change violent people into people of Peace, not actors. That is what she said, right? Deep down she's a thespian."
Xena: "Yeah ... I mean ... that's what she said ... yeah ... Why? What'd you think?"
Gabrielle: "Thespian, that's what I thought she said."
DISCLAIMER: Although no great literary works were harmed or plagiarized, a few thespians stole some scenes during the production of this motion picture.
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