Gabrielle, Joxer and Autolycus must stop Jett (Joxer's coincidentally identical twin) from assassinating Cleopatra. Autolycus discovers the ins and outs of Egyptian negotiating. Gabrielle's plan almost works and Xena gets to bash some skulls in the end.
Joxer: "Word must be out on me. There's blood on my hands."
Xena: "Looks like you've been pecked by a chicken."
Joxer: "Xena, it is only a matter of time. These hands are lethal weapons and there's no telling what they might do."
Xena: "Joxer, you can barely kill time."
Autolycus: "A good thief, like a good lover, takes his time."
Gabrielle: "Three hours Joxer, I waited for you for three hours with a bunch of drunken, horny half-wits. I have been grabbed more times than the Golden Fleece!"
Autolycus: "Alright, let me get this straight. You want me to sneak the murder weapon into the castle to stop his lunatic brother from assassinating someone we don't even know for no gain whatsoever?"
Autolycus: "I don't think so. I'm not as dumb as he looks."
Gabrielle: "An innocent person is going to die."
Autolycus: "No, he isn't, because he's leaving ... goodbye."
Autolycus: "There's a concept called ‘personal space,' look into it."
Joxer: Hey, I'm just trying to broaden my knowledge. You might be the King of Thieves, but I am Master of Mayhem. There's a lot we could learn from each other, you know."
Autolycus: "Sure. Hey, why don't you start by teaching me how to disappear without a trace."
Autolycus: "So you're saying this is what Xena would do?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, yes ... mostly ... probably ... look, she did the same thing when she had to sneak a baby into King Gregor's castle."
Joxer: "King Gregor was killed by a baby?"
Autolycus: "Ah, there's a word for people like me ... lucky!"
Gabrielle: "No plan is fool proof."
Joxer: "Depends on the fool."
Gabrielle: They're going to question us. We have to get our story straight."
Joxer: "I know ... um ... wait ... we can tell them we're circus performers and we were just rehearsing an act."
Gabrielle: "Where does it hurt?"
Joxer: "Right there ... (thump) ... OW!"
Pontius: "My name is Pontius, chief of security for Cleopatra."
Pontius: "You were caught trying to break into the castle. That is a very serious offense."
Gabrielle: "Have you ever heard of the world-famous Regulian Sisters Circus?"
Autolycus: "Oh ... Jett ... hello, and how nice to see you again ... easy on the throat, can ya? I've got this silly little breathing habit."
Cleopatra: "I hope you don't mind. I find a bath to be quite relaxing during negotiations ... unless it distracts you."
Autolycus: "Distracts me? A beautiful woman lying naked in a bathtub ... ha, ha, ha ... where was I?"
Autolycus: "I drive a hard bargain."
Cleopatra: "I think you will find my offer quite ... generous.
Autolycus: "No doubt. You certainly have a lot of ... assets."
Cleopatra: "But, how will I know what you have to offer will satisfy me."
Autolycus: "Well, let's just say I've never had any complaints. But, I'm reluctant to dive right in. You see, first I need to know when, where, and how often."
Cleopatra: "I'll let you know as soon as you make a firm offer. Are you firm yet, Autolycus?"
Autolycus: "I don't know. I haven't seen your bottom line."
Cleopatra: "Let's put this deal to bed, shall we."
Cleopatra: (regarding Autolycus) "Hmm, I could find uses for that man."
Joxer: "It's me, Joxer."
Autolycus: "How can I be sure?"
Joxer: "I'm hanging from the wall by my underwear!"
Gabrielle: "At least, Joxer's still out there."
Autolycus: "Ah yes, the rebel without a clue."
Gabrielle: "Thank you. You may be a thief ..."
Autolycus: "... ah, don't say it ... alright, say it."
Gabrielle: "You have a heart of gold."
Cleopatra: "Are you ever planning on coming to Egypt, Xena? If you do, send word. I'll plan a reception the world won't soon forget."
Joxer: "Well, I guess you all are just going to be looking at me a little bit different now, huh ... aahhh!"
Autolycus: "I think not."
Xena: "Same old, same old."
DISCLAIMER: Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable but not seriously harmed during the production of this motion picture.