Ares: "I came here on business, Alecto."
Alecto: "It's unanimous. The Furies have found Xena guilty of all charges."
Ares: "The sentence?"
Alecto: "What will it be, persecution or madness?"
Ares: "How about persecution and madness?"
Alecto: "Here me gods and goddesses. Xena, Warrior Princess, has committed a terrible crime. She will be punished by persecution and madness."
Gabrielle: "Ah, you're afraid."
Thug: "There's a bounty on your head and we plan to collect it."
Xena: "You know, fellas, there are less painful ways to make a Dinar, but if you insist."
Alecto: "Oh demons of the soul of Xena's recent role, replace her sweet illusion with the poison of delusion. To Xena's head don't be kind, for it's your job to make her lose her mind."
Xena: "I love the smell of warrior sweat in the morning."
Xena: "This thing is great, and to think I've been using it all these years as a weapon."
Xena: "I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain and other pertinent body parts, so tell me, how old were you when you lost your virginity?"
Xena: "Shut up, Mavis. This is important."
Xena: "C'mon ..."
Thug: "Okay, nineteen."
Xena: "See, Mavis, all you have to do is act nicely."
Gabrielle: "What are you doing?"
Xena: "Going to get something to eat."
Gabrielle: "What about the Furies?"
Xena: "They can get their own."
Gabrielle: "Xena, I think something terrible has happened to you. You're not thinking clearly."
Xena: "Well, you know how I am when I miss breakfast."
Gabrielle: "There are many crimes the Furies punish with madness."
Xena: "Why are you telling me this? I'm not crazy. What do you think?"
Gabrielle: "I think we have a serious problem here, Xena."
Xena: "I could lose the daisies."
Gabrielle: "It's not your look that I'm talking about. It's what's going on inside your head."
Xena: "You don't want to go there, it's terrifying."
Gabrielle: "Doesn't that concern you?"
Xena: "What do you think? It's too leafy?"
Xena: "Look at you, the guilt, the shame, it's stamped on your faces clear as mud. But I won't let you get away with it. I'm here to avenge your heinous crimes. I've come to take retribution. I've come to take retribution in flames."
Gabrielle: "Xena, pull yourself together."
Xena: "Pull my finger."
Xena: "Well, if it's my head you want, then take it. Quite frankly, it's driving me crazy."
Xena: "My father?"
Priest: "Yes, he was murdered."
Gabrielle: "By who?"
Priest: "That I don't know. Xena's punishment will continue until this crime is avenged."
Xena: "To the gods we are nothing but dirty, little beetles and they'll kill us for their sport. Well, I'm sorry, Gabrielle, you can't come with me. But, I can't be trusted, you know."
Gabrielle: "You know what happened to her father?"
Cyrene: "He was murdered."
Gabrielle: "Cyrene, do you know who did it?"
Cyrene: "You father came home from the Temple of Ares drunk and angry. He told me Xena had to die. He was very confuse, Xena. The priest at the temple must have told him to sacrifice you to Ares. Your father was very dedicated to the God of War. I told him I wouldn't let him do that. He said he'd kill me too then. He went to the stables to sharpen a knife. He was so methodical, the way he planned to kill his daughter. I took an axe and ... I stopped him."
Gabrielle: "Xena, look, I know you're in there. Hey, we're going to get through this. You know, we always do."
Xena: "So mama killed papa. It doesn't matter. You were trying to save my life, right? I should be grateful. But you have to admit you did put me in something of a jam, didn't you? I have an interesting choice now. I can kill you or I can spend the rest of my life shuttling from babbling idiocy to vivid clarity. Did you know sanity is just a veil the gods throw over our eyes to stop us from seeing the truth?"
Cyrene: "What is the truth, Xena?"
Xena: "That life is a joke. It's a barroom joke at that, and you know what the punch line is? The punch line is that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms."
Xena: "Mother, there really is only one way out of this."
Xena: "Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills. If I stay around here much longer some innocent people are going to get killed. I'm doing them a favor."
Ares: "Xena, what are you doing?"
Xena: "Why am I not surprised to find that you have an interest in all this?"
Ares: "Of course I do. You're my favorite. I don't want to see you throw yourself off some cliff. It's such a tastelessly melodramatic way out of this life."
Xena: "Ah, but I'm quite batty, Ares, and I have limited choices. Madness is a rotten way to go through life."
Ares: "Now, Xena, don't do that. There is another solution."
Xena: "Killing Mommy? No, I don't think so."
Ares: "Well, I heard what said to your mother, and you were right, of course, what you said about life."
Xena: "I was ranting."
Ares: "Like a prophet. Xena, you have never been so close to the truth."
Xena: "If you're trying to convince me life is worth living, this is not a good strategy."
Ares: "No, life isn't worth living. It's to be taken and beaten and wrestled and formed in your image. That's where the meaning lies, in what you can twist life into. For those who just endure life, yeah, it is a very nasty joke. But for those who form it with their will, the joke is on those who get in the way."
Xena: "I must be crazy. You're beginning to make sense."
Ares: "This melodrama with your family put it all behind you. You don't know how common it is for a jealous man to punish the wife by hurting the child. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
Xena: "Yes, I think I do."
Ares: "Satisfy the Furies. Give your mother to the worms. You are on the brink of ultimate freedom, Xena. Do it and you will be reborn into a world of true choice beyond Good and Evil. Not only will you regain your sanity, but you will see the world as few have seen it ... as a playground to your will."
Xena: "You expect me to trust you. I'm crazy, not stupid. If I'm gonna whack Mama I want to get something out of it. I want to know that the Furies are watching."
Cyrene: "Xena, you're alright."
Xena: "I'm anything but alright, Mother."
Cyrene: "I'm so sorry this happened to you. Maybe Gabrielle will find a ..."
Xena: "Stop it. Gabrielle couldn't save a cat in a sack with out me. She's a useless little pissant really, now that I see things clearly."
Xena: "No matter, I'm crazy and your dead. Let's go."
Cyrene: "Xena, if that's what you feel you have to do."
Xena: "Oh, the self-sacrificing mother, that's such a tired cliche. Tell me, when you and daddy were rolling around like a pair of crazed weasels, was it good?"
Cyrene: "Please, Xena, let's just get this over with."
Xena: "I have a right to know about the act that brought me into this miserable world."
Cyrene: "I will not talk about that."
Xena: "I'm losing patience with you."
Cyrene: "Your father was away at war and then suddenly one night he was there with me, and yes, it was good."
Gabrielle: "Orestes? So he didn't do it."
Keeper: "Do what?"
Gabrielle: "Avenge his father's death."
Keeper: "Oh yeah he did. He killed his mother, Clytemnestra."
Gabrielle: "But, I thought that ..."
Keeper: "That he'd be liberated from his madness if he killed his mother?"
Keeper: "It's all a lie. If they persecuted him for not avenging his father's murder, what were they going to do to him for killing his mother?"
Ares: "Is there a problem, Xena?"
Xena: "Why am I doing this?"
Ares: "She killed your father. You have to avenge his death or the Furies will torment you for Eternity, yada yada yada ..."
Xena: "She killed my father?"
Ares: "Yes, murdered him in cold blood. Show her no mercy."
Xena: "But, how could she kill my father when my father is still very much alive ... right, Daddy?"
Ares: "If you haven't noticed, she's crazy."
Xena: "Yeah, I'm completely out of my gourd and I might cut Mama up later just for fun, but it's not because she killed my father ... because you're my father."
Xena: "Gabrielle, tell them ... do the Bard thing."
Gabrielle: "The legends say that Ares takes the form of his warriors and he visits their wives while they're away at battle."
Xena: (to the Furies) "You ladies do dress the part, don't ya?"
Xena: "Now here's my theory. Ares and mom do their thing and she gets ripe with me. And then, shortly after that, her husband comes home from war and he thinks his manhood did the trick. Well, I pop out and he thinks he's my father. Things go on like this for years and then one night at the Temple of Ares someone, maybe a drunken priest, maybe you, spills the beans. A jealous rage ensues. Mom does her thing with the axe and (sigh) here we are."
Alecto: "Why would he go through all this trouble just to drive you insane?"
Xena: "Because a mad Xena would be more sympathetic to his world view. And you were right, I meant it when I said you were starting to make sense to me. But the best bit, the best bit of all, and this is a proud daughter talking, is when I kill Mom thereby dooming myself forever to insanity and complete dependence on you."
Alecto: "What are you afraid of Ares?"
Xena: "Me, because he knows I'm half god and all crazy."
Xena: "I'm going to use you as a shield, Gabrielle ... just kidding."
Ares: "That was brilliant. If I was your father, I'd be very, very proud ... I still don't get what you see in her (Gabby)."
Gabrielle: "Xena, you knew what your mother would say about the night of your conception, and you knew exactly what I would say. Well, I don't know if I like being that predictable."
Xena: "I knew you were going to say that."
Cyrene: "Xena, your father ... I took him away from you."
Xena: "Mother ..."
Cyrene: "It just seemed like the only way."
Xena: "I'm sure it was. I never really knew him. The hardest thing for me was giving up hope."
Xena: "I kept hoping that maybe I'd run into him somewhere, understand him to understand myself. I know that'll never be."
Cyrene: "Can you ever forgive me?"
Xena: "There is nothing to forgive. You saved my life. I owe you my thanks. I'm just sorry you had to carry this alone all these years. We'll go on. We'll be stronger than before."
DISCLAIMER: Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own lap-dancing variety show off-off-off Broadway soon.