Introducing the most annoying, obnoxious, aggravating, irritating character to ever grace the set of Xena, Warrior Princess. Xena and Gabrielle try to find the sacred Urn of Apollo while turning around a local hoodlum. Gabrielle gets whipped (calm down, not that kind of whipped). Note: This is the pivotal episode from which Mike Tyson gained his inspiration. And, Gabrielle invents a new game.
Priest: "The Urn of Apollo gives a new start to so many people."
Xena: "No urn can do that. That comes from within."
Gabrielle: "Did you throw that?"
Gabrielle: "What's your problem?"
Tara: "Your face."
Gabrielle: "Then don't look at it."
Gabrielle: "Look, if you don't like the food may I suggest some other way to express it."
Tara: "What kind of wimp are you? I just threw a plate of gruel on you and all you do is talk. You and I are going to settle this right here."
Gabrielle: "I think you have me confused with someone else."
Tara: "Yeah, you wish."
Gabrielle: "I don't know what's bothering you, but I have no intention of fighting you."
Tara: "I think you're a coward."
Gabrielle: "I don't care what you think."
Tara: "Xena, I'm here to replace Blondie."
Gabrielle: "I'll understand, just this once, if you want pummel her for a while."
Xena: "I'm not going to do that."
Gabrielle: "Then hold her down while I do it!"
Xena: "You listen to me, little girl, I've got no interest in making a trade. Blondie ... Gabrielle here is my partner and that's the way it's going to stay."
Gabrielle: "Why not use your chakram."
Xena: "And do what?"
Gabrielle: "Ricochet it off a couple of rocks, slice off a piece of her ear and scare her witless."
Xena: "You don't need me to turn your life around. You want to do Good, do it. Then you'll be Good."
Tara: (to Gabrielle) "I'm sorry I gave you such a whipping back there in the tavern. I shouldn't have kicked your butt like that."
Xena: "Gabrielle, she is trying to turn her life around."
Gabrielle: "Xena, listen to me. She bit off part of my ear!"
Xena: "Well, only a little bit, and she apologized."
Gabrielle: "You call that an apology? Look, there's something that I'm missing here, something that you're not telling me."
Xena: "She reminds me a little bit of me."
Gabrielle: "Oh no. I knew you were evil, but you were obnoxious too?"
Xena: "Turning people away from their dark side isn't my specialty."
Gabrielle: "Xena, I have learned a lot in these last few years, and one thing I have learned is that you can't change everyone."
Xena: "Then you and she do have something in common."
Gabrielle: "What's that?"
Xena: "You both think she's a lost cause."
Gabrielle: "Okay, I get what you're saying. I'm being too hard on her."
Xena: "Well, it is understandable. She did try to bite off your ear."
Gabrielle: "Well, it's not hurting as much now, so I can be civil to her."
Gabrielle: "Xena, if you can say with a straight face that you believe in her, it will go a long way with a confused kid like that. It did with me. It's easier to believe in yourself after someone else has believed in you first."
Gabrielle: (to Tara) "You see, I sleep next to Xena."
Xena: "You are what you do. You can recreate yourself every second of your life."
Tara: "You know, you got her convinced you're the real thing."
Gabrielle: "What does that mean?"
Tara: "She thinks you're perfect."
Gabrielle: "She knows I'm not perfect. She loves me anyway. That's what friendship is about."
Tara: "I wouldn't know. I haven't had a lot of friends in my time."
Gabrielle: "I wonder why."
Gabrielle: "I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna rip out her throat. I'm gonna eat her eyeballs ..."
Xena: "Gabrielle, calm down."
Gabrielle: "Xena, she almost got us killed. I can't work like this!"
Xena: (to Tara) "You ask me how you know what's good and what's bad. Let me make it simple for you. Acting like a selfish brat is bad. So you better start putting others first or I will leave you by the road side in a flash."
Tara: "Well, Congratulations. You got what you wanted."
Gabrielle: "What's that?"
Tara: "She hates me now, thanks to you."
Gabrielle: "Thanks to me? Tara, you're not only obnoxious, you're deluded."
Tara: "I don't know what that means, but you better take it back right now."
Xena: (to Tara) "You want to compare bad deeds? I'll bury ya."
*** Xena's oh-so-far-sighted opinion of the now popular game, Charades ...
Xena: "This will never catch on. It's too hard."
Gabrielle: "For people who need to forgive themselves in order to move on in life this urn can be very meaningful."
Tara: "Like somebody like you knows anything about feeling guilty."
Gabrielle: "I know, believe me, I know."
Tara: "What's Xena doing? Doesn't she want to be forgiven?"
DISCLAIMER: No street-talking, cat-fighting, barroom-brawling juvenile delinquents were harmed during the production of this motion picture.