Alexis: "All right, everybody, stay calm."
Mack: "I … I gotta be honest with you, I'm not calm."
Gabrielle: [waking up] … "Xena?"
Xena: "Gabrielle …"
Xena: "Alright, you'd better start talking."
Alexis: "We've reproduced you exactly as you existed 2000 years ago. It's a process called cloning. Welcome to the future."
Mack: [looking at his watch frantically] … "Come on."
Gabrielle: "Xena, shouldn't you take the pinch off him?" … [Xena removes the pinch from poor Mack]
Lea: "Um, how much do you remember?"
Mack: "She remembers the pinch pretty good. Hey … I just got pinched by Xena!"
Gabrielle: "Did Ares do this?"
Alexis: "No, a higher power called science."
Xena: "Why have you brought us here?"
Lea: "Because we need heroes, now more than ever. Look … [shows many scenes of terrorism, violence and mayhem] … these are the kind of things that happen in our world every day … violence … civil unrest … crime … it's everywhere, and it's getting worse all the time."
Polly: "We need someone to go out there and kick butt."
Xena: "You got the right girl for that."
Mack: "She can kick my butt any day."
Lea: "We were hoping you would kick butt for Good."
Mack: "Oh, it'd be good."
Xena: "We're hungry. Got any food?"
Lea: "Yes." … [grabs a box of donuts]
Mack: "They're sort of like chakram, but you can eat 'em."
Lea: "Sugar and fat."
Polly: "They're delicious."
[The gang sits around watching old clips of the show.]
Gabrielle: "The loving friends we meet on our journey return to us time after time. We never die, because we were never really born." - [scenes include Sins of the Past, A Good Day, Lost Mariner, and A Day in the Life]
Polly: [thinking to herself as she gazes admiringly at Xena] … "Xena could kick Jackie Chan's ass. Jet Li, no contest. If Bruce Lee were to come back from his grave, Xena'd kick his ass, too."
Mack: [thinking to himself as he gazes lustingly at both Xena and Gabrielle] … "Oh, man, they're hot, and you know, after 2000 years, they've gotta be horny. I see them looking at me, and there's no competition. I'm gonna be their first 21st century man."
Lea: [thinking to herself as she gazes adoringly at Gabrielle] … "The others almost ruined everything with their macho discs. I know, after lights out, I'll play them a full season of old 'Ellen' episodes. Yeah."
Xena: [seeing herself kiss Gabby in Return of Callisto] … "Alright."
Xena: [seeing herself kiss Gabby in Return of the Valkyrie]… "That's not how it happened. I woke you up before I went to Valhalla, right?"
Gabrielle: "That's how I remember it. You're right."
Polly: "Wow, your memories are of the real Xena and Gabrielle, not just the ones we programmed you with." Lea: "Yeah, that was the plan, to stimulate their … [staring intently at Gabrielle] … latent memories."
Mack: "So, what do you guys think of the show?"
Xena: "I like the one who plays me. She's kinda sexy."
Gabrielle: "What about this writing, Xena? I mean, it's not exactly Euripides. They've taken liberties with my scrolls."
Xena: "Yeah, and what are they trying to say about our relationship, anyway?"
Gabrielle: "Who knows."
Mack: "Xena, um … you know, uh … you and Ares, uh … did you, um, ever … you know … well …"
Xena: "Get a life, pervert."
Gabrielle: "Now, now, Xena."
Xena: "Alright, Gabrielle, what's next?"
Gabrielle: "Well, look, they want heroes, right? We find a mission. We do some good."
Xena: "That old Greater Good thing? I don't know. It kinda doesn't appeal this time around … [pointing at Gabby's chest] … you got some sugar and fat."
Gabrielle: [getting flicked in the nose] … "Hey!"
Xena: "I always wanted to do that. Oh, and, uh, Gabrielle, if that pork starts talking back to ya, they've got a whole room back here designed for the whole purpose of relieving yourself."
Gabrielle: "A whole room?"
Alexis: "Gabrielle, um … can I speak frankly with you?"
Alexis: "I'm a little concerned that we may have woken up the Evil Xena."
Gabrielle: "Is that what's wrong with her?"
Alexis: [to her crew of Xenites] … "Why don't you guys take care of Xena, and I'm gonna get Gabrielle up to speed." … [and like true Xenites, they plop themselves back down to watch their favorite clips]
Gabrielle: [outside of the laboratory] … "Wow. It's so big."
Alexis: "Yeah, it sure has changed, huh? … [to the police] … This is her. She broke into the lab dressed as some kind of television character. I think she's a bit of a loony."
Gabrielle: "What is going on?"
Police Woman: "Miss, some identification?"
Police Woman: "Look, if you're not gonna cooperate, lady, I'm afraid we're just gonna have to take you in."
Gabrielle: "Wait a minute. I don't know what ridiculous story she told you, but for your information, she cloned me from a strand of hair she found 2000 years ago."
Police Woman: "All right, she's a loon. Let's take her … [Gabrielle whips out her sais, the cops pull out their guns] … Drop your weapons."
Alexis: "I'd do what they say, Sweetie. You saw what those weapons can do in the videos we showed you."
Joxer: "You wanna fight, huh? Fine with me. Ow!" -- CallistoMack: "Do you think that's an accurate characterization of Joxer?"
Joxer: "Ooh! Ooh!" -- Back in the Bottle
Joxer: "Gotcha now! … Oof!"
Joxer: That does it! I'm gonna rip you apart with my bare hands!" -- Callisto
Xena: "Yeah, pretty much. I don't remember him being that smart, though."
Alexis: "Xena, I am so sorry, but Gabrielle has been arrested."
Lea: "How can that happen?"
Alexis: "There was nothing that I could do. The police-- "
Xena: "What's 'police'?"
Alexis: "The local warlords, they confiscated her sais and then they took her."
Xena: "Took her where?"
Alexis: "To the city jail, out the front door, to the left, two miles down the road."
Mack: "Are you insane? You're encouraging her!"
Alexis: "Xena, wait! You might need this."
Xena: "My chakram … the real thing."
Alexis: "Yes, it is."
Xena: "Got it." … [runs out to rescue Gabrielle]
Lea: "Have you lost your mind?! You just set her on a course that'll bring her into direct conflict with the authorities."
Polly: "And where did you get that chakram?"
Mack: "You know, I'm beginning to think there are a few things you haven't told us."
Alexis: "Yes … a few."
Polly, Mack & Lea: "Alti? … Alti."
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