"I know what you want, but I'm afraid a broken heart is all I can give you at the moment."
"Talk is cheap, and I have an expensive ear."
"I applaud your attempt, but it's not quite that easy to catch ... the King of Thieves ... oof! ... not easy to catch, but not impossible."
"A challenge without humor ... brings mirth without blood."
"Allow me to introduce my assist ... um ... concubine, Cherish. She's just a little nervous, you see, because she's never been on a ship before. So, I bought her some new clothes. Why don't you go below and step into this. You'll feel much better."
"Of course, the trick to killing someone with an apricot is really in the wrist. The drawback is that it kills instantly so there's no time to gather information. So for situations like that, well, I use a muffin."
"Well, very nice ... like to gentle dew of the morning breath clinging lightly to your heaving ... Oh come on, do you really think those people over their would believe that a guy like Sinteres would have someone like you without having someone like you?"
"Well, that worked up and appetite. And hunger is the gods' way of saying ... eat."
"No, she didn't drown. She should be here momentarily. She's newly conquered territory. You know how it is."
"Yes, you see, a woman's chastity is like a new hat, a beautiful thing that's ... going to kill me."
"Nothing is as big as mine."
"Now, I need a distraction for my work. Erhem! Lord Malthus, your hospitality is graciously accepted, but please accept a gift of my own for the entertainment of all ... my very own Cherish and her dance of the three veils. (To Xena) Keep them interested and make me proud."
"Multi-million dinar castle and no closets."
"Should I concentrate on anyone in particular, or do we hate them all?"
"‘Thou shalt not covet. Thou shalt not steal?' Who could live by those laws?"
"Choose the one drink you wouldn't give to your worse enemy and give me a double."
"Would you calm down, there's barely enough room up there for my paranoia."
"You see, there's just one small problem. If I don't tell you, you'll kill me. If I do tell you, you'll kill me anyway, become a god and terrorize the world. So, either way there's very little personal gain for me."
"Well, in for a Dinar in for a kingdom, besides I have a little something to settle with that Amazonian bi... um, female."
"A good thief, like a good lover, takes his time."
"Alright, let me get this straight. You want me to sneak the murder weapon into the castle to stop his lunatic brother from assassinating someone we don't even know for no gain whatsoever?"
"I don't think so. I'm not as dumb as he looks."
"There's a concept called ‘personal space,' look into it."
"Hey, why don't you start by teaching me how to disappear without a trace."
"Ah, there's a word for people like me ... lucky!"
"Oh ... Jett ... hello, and how nice to see you again ... easy on the throat, can ya? I've got this silly little breathing habit."
"Ah yes, the rebel without a clue."
"Alright, I did it. But, can you blame me? It's like waving a red flag in front of a Minotaur."
"Well, it is impressive, isn't it? I mean, a statue that size just disappearing like that. It would not be immodest to say that that is the greatest theft ever. There's only one problem ... I didn't do it."
"I did not steal that statue ... granted, I can't believe I didn't steal the statue."
"It takes a thief to catch a thief."
"Like what have I done for you lately, huh? Nothing besides letting you live inside my body while I risked my life to steal back your shapely corpse all the while having to listen to Gabrielle whining and crying twenty-four hours a day about how much she misses Xena..."
"My reputation as the King of Thieves is not going to be restored if you sling you chakram and poke people with swords. It's got to be done the Autolycus way."
"Now, I happen to have a plan, and if it works, I will be a legend and you two will be a legend's helpers"
"Alright, Xena, you've been waiting for this moment since we started ... some good - ole - fashioned - kick - butt - that's - my - warrior - princess action."
"You stole it? Now how can that be? It's not even here. Unless someone stole it from you, like ... um ... what's his name ... Autolycus, the King of Thieves."
"You are the second best thief I have ever met and if you ever need to get into my body again, you just look me up."
"Don't tell me this is another one of virtue-is-it's-own-reward jobs. Oh Xena, I thought better of you, I really did."
As Philipon the Reformer: "Good citizens of Peleos, heed my words. You know how it happens. It all starts with a tune rolling around in your head. Next thing you know, you're humming it at work, aint ya? You've done it. You've heard it. We've all been there. Then, you know what? Your toe starts to tap and your heel followed by you knee, ‘cause they're all connected. It moves on up and then you start gyrating. The next thing you know, you gotta let go. Trust me, good people, for I know from where I speak. For I myself was on that rocky road to Tartarus. That's right, brothers and sisters, in my wild and misspent youth I too danced. But, then an amazing event transpired. The goddess Calliope came into my life and claimed it as her own."
As Philipon the Reformer: "Is it enough to simply eliminate dancing? How about singing? Painting? I see embroidery! For shame! I'm telling you, people, extremism in the name of piety is no vice. Get ‘em up and praise her. Get ‘em up and praise her. Praise Calliope!"
As Philipon the Reformer: "Even good men can fall prey to bad influences."
"Gabrielle, I sense that there's some pent up energy, some frustration eating at you, some unresolved desire. I can tell that you need to get..."
"With a body like that and brains like mine there are definitely some possibilities here."
"That's anybody's girl I'm talking about. C'mon she doesn't have one ounce of loyalty for any one man. Trust me, I know the type. I love the type."
"Xena is this warrior. She goes around saving people and righting wrongs. It's all pretty sappy, but she seems to get her kicks out of it."